11 Shitty Things You Do Yet You Never Admit

A couple of months ago, I drank myself to death.

It was quite devastating. We entered the club around 11 PM. By 12 PM, we have already shattered two bottles of vodka. By 1 AM I was lying on the couch in the club unconscious. By 2 AM, the Uber driver my friends called for me left me in front of my house. It was only the second time in my life I don’t remember how I returned home after a night out. ⁽¹⁾Fortunately, this time I did have my SHIRT on. Although I have apparently ripped it at some point

Even though it was not the most beautiful sight in the world, it was not extraordinary. I am not the first nor the last twenty-something who did this to himself. Although excessive drinking is not commendable, it happens to us all from time to time.

The only problem was – I wasn’t able to accept it. The next day I was not only hungover – I was full of anger and shame. How could have I done it to myself? My need to be perfect, to adhere to my own principles was killing me from the inside. I was borderline depressed until I sat down across my therapist. I will never forget her ironic smile before she sympathetically said:

„Dear me, Vjeko doesn’t permit Vjeko to do anything wrong, does he?“

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We all do shitty things. It is a part of being human. We are not perfect, flawless robots. Making mistakes and fucking things up happens from time to time. It is normal.

What is not normal is behaving like Vjeko with hungover. Having a desperate need to be Mr. Perfect, Mr. Absolutely Moral, Mr. Principled all the time. Not allowing yourself to do any mistakes whatsoever. Not permitting yourself to do anything wrong. ⁽²⁾Note: I  am not including extreme mistakes like raping other people or driving drunk and killing someone. It is a philosophical issue I don’t want to address this time

We would all benefit if we admitted we all do shitty things from time to time. We would be able to forgive ourselves when we do them. We would be less judgmental toward other people. We would be able to forgive others when they do the same. We would get to know ourselves and accept we are flawed and imperfect human beings. Just like everybody else.

And maybe, just maybe – it might change our behaviour.

But okay, enough foreplay. Without further ado – here’s a list of shitty things we all do yet we never admit.

1.YOU THINK WHITE LIES ARE OKAY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

When I was young, whenever I didn’t want to go out with my friends, I would come up with some silly excuse. A table tennis practice suddenly moved three hours forward. An urgent homework I forgot to do earlier.  ⁽³⁾Like “urgent” and “elementary school homework” fit in the same sentence  A non-existing visit to a non-existing family.

It was easy to justify these white lies. A general consensus is they help us avoid hurt other people’s feelings. But it is well known general consensuses are often bullshit. There are several problems with white lies:

• White lies break the trust

In the story about the shepherd boy and the wolf, the boy falsely signals that the wolf is attacking the sheep. The whole village arrives and sees he is only pulling their legs. The third time, when the wolf actually appears, the boy makes the signal again. And nobody comes. Because nobody trusts a liar.  ⁽⁴⁾If you haven’t heard this story before, I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood

White lies are still lies. And most lies get discovered. When they do, they completely shatter the trust in someone.  And with it, the relationship as well.

• White lies lead to bigger lies

The problem with white lies is they create a moral reference in which lying is justified. Which inevitably leads to bigger lies. The guilt involved with the act of lying slowly wears off. After a while, the white liar is “hooked” to lying. Just like weaker drugs lead to stronger drugs, white lies lead to bigger lies.

• White lies are a vague form of communication

In the 21st century, we have become champions of indirect communication. We are afraid to express our opinion because someone might take it personally.  We are afraid to say we like someone so we resort to hints and manipulations instead. We are afraid to state the obvious so we use euphemisms and soft language instead.

White lies are another step in that direction. They are easy and they are vague. Even when not discovered, they leave the other side guessing. They leave the other side wanting to know what is really going on.

Girls using white lies to reject a coffee invitation is a good example. Instead of hurting the guy’s feelings, they often come up with some “I’m busy/I have to study” excuse. ⁽⁵⁾AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I HAVE HEARD More often than not, it creates confusion. Sometimes guys don’t take the hint and become obnoxious. Sometimes they take it too personally.

That’s why most guys prefer “I’m not interested” over white lies. They know where they stand.

Simple and direct language leads to clarity. Just like my friends preferred when I started saying I don’t want to go outside. They didn’t make a fuss. They didn’t get their feelings hurt.

Even if they did, it wouldn’t be my problem. Because other people’s feelings aren’t your responsibility.

• White liars are bad with responsibility

White liars are bad at dealing with responsibility. We just saw one aspect of the problem. Not hurting other people’s feelings assumes we are responsible for their feelings. While we are not. ⁽⁶⁾Note in passing there is a huuuuge difference between refusing the responsibility for other people’s feelings and not taking them into consideration whatsoever. We cover this topic in the next point

Another part of the problem is – we don’t make white lies because of others. We make it because of ourselves. White lying is selfish. White liars refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and their own decisions.

When I lied to my friends, I didn’t do it to preserve them of my words. I did it to preserve myself from their reaction. Even though I DECIDED not to go out with them, I avoided the responsibility for that decision.

 And that is not how adults behave.

2.YOU THINK BRUTAL HONESTY IS OKAY EVEN THOUGH YOU HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

In his book Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck ⁽⁷⁾A.K.A one of the books that changed my life, Mark Manson invented a curious anti-hero – Disappointment Panda. His superpower is telling people unpleasant truths about themselves they don’t want to hear. Things like: „Yeah, sure you are making a lot of money at your job, but you are completely ignoring your family and friends.“  As Mark himself describes it:

Disappointment Panda would be the hero that none of us would want but all of us would need.

In life, we often behave like Disappointment Panda. We tell other people truths that might hurt them. We call it being brutally honest and pride ourselves with it. Many people don’t see anything wrong with it. Shouldn’t we all strive toward honesty? Is it really my problem if someone can’t handle the truth? Why shouldn’t I be the one to say it?

Nobody denies the value and importance of truth. But, just like everything in life, honesty is not black and white. This is not the debate about honesty vs. dishonesty. This is a debate about different types of honesty. Brutal honesty is the bad type – honesty that disregards the other person. It ignores other person’s feelings and willingness to accept the truth. It is a display of cruelty and borderline hostility.

Just as white lies, it is easy to justify brutal honesty as something we do for the sake of others.

But the truth is – it is a narcissistic act.  Brutal honesty helps us feel good about ourselves at the expense of others. It is an opportunity to indulge in our self-righteousness. It is an opportunity to display how smart and omnipotent we are. It is an opportunity to project your insecurities onto others and tell them how to live their life. It is honesty that often begins (or ends) with the dreaded „no offense, I am just being honest!“ sentence.

Instead of being brutally honest, you might try honesty with compassion. Not only does it display your care about the other person, there is more chance he/she will actually hear what you are saying. I hope you can the difference between these two sentences:

Brutal honesty: „Man, you are such a lousy writer. Why do you keep blogging? You will never be able to make a living out of it!“

Honesty with compassion: „Yeah, I am not a big fan of your writing or the topics you are covering, but I can appreciate your efforts and the love you put into it. I am just worried a bit about the future. Do you have a plan B in case it doesn’t work out?”⁽⁸⁾Any reference to real life persons is completely arbitrary

Therefore, when you are being brutally honest with someone, you are not being an altruist.

You are being an asshole! ⁽⁹⁾If you are still not convinced, check this blog entry by one of my favourite Quora writers, Franklin Veaux: Some Thoughts on Radical Honesty or Honesty Without Compassion Is Cruelty. Or a Quora answer by yours truly

3. YOU GET JEALOUS OF YOUR FRIEND’S ACCOMPLISHMENTS

When I was younger, I’d get insanely jealous whenever one of my friends „scored“.

Afterward, I would feel bad. I would be angry, ashamed and worried at the same time. How can I be jealous? It is not what friends do. I am better than that. But crap, how can that bastard have everything I wanted to have.

The reasons for jealousy were my own issues. It had nothing to do with my friends and a lot to down with me. In general – we get jealous when we are not content with something in our life. As any teenage boy, I was very concerned about my sex – life and deeply unsatisfied with it. Being jealous was the way of dealing with this insecurity. ⁽¹⁰⁾This article elaborates more: 7 Reasons Why We Envy Our Friend And Vice Versa

It  took me a lot to realize jealousy is a natural condition deeply rooted in biology. Although we can reduce its intensity by improving our well-being, we can’t completely eliminate it. Since we are naturally wired for comparison, we are always going to feel jealous. It is stupid to feel ashamed about something we have no control over.

What we DO have control over is what we do with our jealousy. As usual, we may use our suffering to extract positive lessons. ⁽¹¹⁾Check this article for more info: How To Cope When You Are Envious Of Your Friend We may practice self-compassion. We may detect the real reason for our jealousy. We may use it as a motivation and try to improve ourselves. We may realize we are jealous of something that is not at all important of us. ⁽¹²⁾It is not easy to do so. A good therapist might help. Only after one year of meticulous and painful sessions do I have I managed to embrace my sexual insecurities. And to reduce my envy

Alas, more often than not, we may cause it to do something stupid and shitty. Something like sabotaging your best friend’s romantic chances by thrashing him behind his back. ⁽¹³⁾Man, if you are reading this, I don’t know what to say apart from I am deeply sorry

Also known as gossiping.

4.YOU GOSSIP

I can hear you.

I can hear you talking about how your boss screwed you up and how he is a total asshole.

I can hear you talking about Sally and John’s relationship and how she is way too good for him.

I can hear you talking about how Mark treats Martha badly and how his kids are spoilt because he is such a lousy father.

I know – we all do it. We all gossip. We all talk behind the backs of our colleagues, our acquaintances, our friends and even our family members. Many people don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Hell, a number of articles claim gossiping is actually good for us.⁽¹⁴⁾For instance: Gossiping Is Good For You or Gossip Is Good or Why Gossiping is Not All Bad

I am not convinced, though. Just because we all do it, just because gossiping has become customary, it doesn’t mean it is healthy. What these articles fail to recognize, what most of us fail to recognize, is that there are different ways in which we can talk about others. And that gossiping is the worst of them all.

When talking about others, our intentions and the tone are the keys. The emotions we convey behind the words. We can talk about others in a very positive tone. We can admire them, find them inspiring, worry for them or simply be happy for them.

Gossiping is never positive. Gossiping is tightly connected to envy. We don’t do it because we care for others. We do it because we care for ourselves. We do it because we want to solve our insecurities by hurting other people. We make ourselves feel better by putting other people down. When they are not even there to defend themselves.

I agree that the difference between talking about others and gossiping is not always clear. That is why we often cross it. When in doubt, a following rule of thumb helps: Would I say something about someone if the person I am talking about was there? If the answer is anything but a resolute: „Fuck yes!“, then you should probably refrain from saying it.

Just like with brutal honesty – gossiping doesn’t necessarily need to be untrue ⁽¹⁵⁾Although it often is. But just like brutal honesty – it doesn’t really help anyone. It is a form of indirect communication that doesn’t resolve anything.

If you have the urge to talk about someone in a negative fashion, why don’t you tell it to that very person instead?

5. YOU PICK YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE IS WATCHING

Plot twist: they do. They even see you pulling the „treasure“ out and rubbing it on the wall. Or the floor. Or your mom’s furniture. And it is groce. Please stop doing it. And carry a handkerchief.

6. YOU CHECK YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA WAY TOO OFTEN

I don’t get it.

I don’t get it what the fuck is so important it can’t wait for 30 seconds? Kim Kardashians’ new Facebook photo? Your crush’s Instagram story? Donald’s Trump most recent tweet? Why on Earth do you have the need to check your god damn smartphone everywhere? In the supermarket, while you are driving, even when you are having a coffee with your friends or dinner with your date. Are you really going to miss all that much if you are not connected at any given point in time? Can’t you delay your gratification for just a bit?

The reason I got so angry is that the „you“ in the sentences above is really „me“. I am becoming more and more aware of the effect of the social media and smartphones have on me. Apart from making me anti-social and dangerous for the environment ⁽¹⁶⁾Seriously, people, put the phones away while you are driving, I am most afraid of the effect technology has on my brain.

I can feel my attention span is reducing on a daily basis. I have trouble reading longer articles. I have trouble writing a single paragraph without alt-tabbing. Hell, I can’t even take a crap any longer without solving some chess tactics on my Samsung Galaxy A8.

The scary thing is this is not incidental – technology can indeed shape our brains. In the brilliant book Shallows: What The Internet Is Doing To Our Brain ⁽¹⁷⁾A 2011 Pulitzer Prize Finalist the author Nicholas Carr devotes an entire chapter describing the neuroplasticity of the brain. In a series of experiments on monkeys, neuroscientist Michael Merzenich has discovered that the structure of the adult brain is not fixed – it has the ability to undergo rapid and extensive restructuring. This is true of all neural circuits – whether they’re involved in feeling, seeing, hearing, moving, thinking or perceiving.

Our mental activity can also alter your neural circuitry. It means that when you are checking your social media, you are altering your brain. You are creating a shitty habit that is going to stick, which will, in turn, lead to even more social media checking in the future. This vicious circle can be interrupted, but with every subsequent iteration, it gets more difficult.

What is there to do?

In his book Deep Work, the author Cal Newport offers multiple tips that help you deal with technology and reach the state of „flow“. His advice can be summed up as: unplug yourself. Instead of trying to fight the distractions, he basically suggests removing them instead. Sometimes in a radical fashion like quitting social media, locking yourself up in your office and creating extended periods of „deep work“.

The advice is not revolutionary, but we often forget its significance. I have decided to adopt it before I started writing this article, I installed ColdTurkey for the first time and used it to block a number of websites. I put my smartphones out of sight, I closed myself in my room to avoid talking to my family. ⁽¹⁸⁾This last step was somehow the easiest and most natural I can’t remember when was I focused this much.

Therefore, next time you are having a coffee with your friends, don’t just put your phone on the table and pretend you have enough control to resist the temptation.

Move it the fuck away.

8.YOU WRITE CLICKBAIT TITLES FOR YOUR BLOG POSTS IN HOPE OF ATTRACTING INNOCENT VISITORS

And no, the title was not even my own idea.

Sue me!

9.YOU STALK PEOPLE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN WAY TOO MUCH

Look, there is nothing wrong with checking someone’s facebook in order to see how he usually looks like. To get the general impression about the person. To get a basic idea who are you dealing with.

However, if you find yourself going through someone’s pictures from 2009,  browsing through the third page of the google search including his/her name or adding him/her on LinkedIn before actually meeting in person, you might have a problem.

First of all, you are robbing yourself of the joy of getting to know someone in person. Of discovering his joys and dreams. His passions and fears. Reading about someone is dull and boring, hearing about someone from his own perspective, observing his emotions and body language and listening to the tone of his voice is exciting and thrilling.

More importantly, when you are stalking, you are immediately forming an opinion about a person. Everybody knows the first impression is often wrong, especially the one formed on the basis of the limited information. While stalking, you are immediately judging a person’s online image, not the person itself.

Also, you might be considered as a creep if you accidentally slip you know something you have no business knowing.

Don’t do it, man!

10.YOU COUNT YOUR LIKES ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND TRACK EXACTLY WHO PRESSED THE BUTTON

Whenever I post a facebook post/Quora answer/Instagram story, I follow its impact. I follow the number of likes, the composition of likes and the names of the persons who pressed the button. I analyze the significance and importance of every individual like. If there is someone I am interested in, I interpret the existence of like as an open invitation to sex, and the lack of it as the end of the world.

Okay, I am maybe exaggerating a bit, but it is not far from the truth. I enjoy people mocking me for it. I also kinda hate myself for doing it. It is utterly ridiculous and narcissistic. It’s like I am 15-years-old again. It has a negative effect on my happiness. Either I am getting way too little likes and am therefore unhappy. Or I get a sufficient amount of likes and realize Facebook likes don’t really matter.

Not to mention I get offended if someone comments against me WITHOUT liking the content. But at least getting offended in the 21st century is easier than ever before.

11.YOU GET OFFENDED BECAUSE A RANDOM GUY ON INTERNET SKIPPED A NUMBER ON HIS LIST

I bet none of you realized I skipped a number earlier on this list.

I bet you are all scrolling up now in order to check it.

I bet you have all realized it by now and are now cursing the author because who the fuck he thinks he is to pull such immature and cheeky jokes that waste your time.

I bet you are now very angry and offended.

Just like you get offended by when someone makes a comment you disagree with.

Or when someone disagrees with a comment you make.

Or when someone makes a joke you think isn’t funny.

Or writes a swear word in his blog post.

Or calls you fuckface in it.

This is one of the main problems of the Internet nowadays. We live in the age of outrage. People are discovering new ways of getting offended on a daily basis. The Internet allowed us to display our narcissistic tendencies and we started taking everything very very personally. Dealing with this narcissism, holding a brake over our keyboard is one of the most important challenges technology poses us with.

Therefore, let me clarify: I am not writing this for you. Or writing about you. I am writing this for myself. So if you are offended because you don’t like my writing, or by my swearing, or the fact you recognized yourself on this list, there is only one thing to say.

Get the fuck over it!

Fuckface!