We continued walking awkwardly. The silence was slowly getting unbearable. Never before have I been so aware of the cars passing by, howling of the wind and of people chattering in the distance.
Just a half an hour ago, there was nothing to indicate that the worst walk of shame of my whole life would soon follow. After obliterating the cookies from our plates, my crush and I continued the conversation which would seemingly never stop.
When we touched upon the subject of dating and relationships, I answered her „So what’s up with you, are you seeing anyone.“ question with what I considered as the smoothest line of my entire life: (1)Which tells you a lot about my life
„Well, I have just had some cookies with this great and interesting girl.“
It should go without saying I was suddenly faced with her panic reaction. In a desperate cry for salvation, she suggested that we take a walk to „figure things out“. Little did I know that this walk would turn out to be a Stairway to Hell. (2)You might remember those absurd claims that Stairway to Heaven, played backwards, contains Satanic messages – Rollingstone: If You Play Stairway To Heaven In Reverse You Hear Satanic Messages
Finally, when we have seemingly reached the Worlds’s end, she decided to break the silence.
„So, were you only hanging out with me because you liked me?“
„On the contrary my dear. I started to like you precisely because I was hanging out with you.“
When we are kids, we form friendships with other kids irrespectively of their gender. In the kindergarten, little girls and boys make castles out of sand together. Little boys and girls draw the characters from their favourite cartoons together. Little boys and girls take toys from each other’s hands and try to be the first to swallow them.
Things don’t change that much during the elementary school. Games such as hide and seek, catch me if you can, etc., are the basis of many „inter-gender“ friendships. Furthermore, the era of smartphones has brought little boys and girls even closer. Nowadays it is not uncommon to see boys and girls of any age losing insane amounts of times trying to set the new record in Angry Birds on their dad’s phone.
Or their own phone, for that matter. Hurray for the technology!
However, at some point, we reach puberty and this thing called hormones kicks in. Suddenly we become aware of those curves our lady friends possess. We start experiencing emotions and feelings and those „belly butterflies“ trouble us when we interact with the opposite gender. The development of our sense of self inevitably leads to the development of our biological needs and desires. We experience attraction and love and start wondering when on Earth did Janice we played tic-tac-toe with when we were kids change that much.
Now, I don’t want to say that high-school male-female friendships don’t exist altogether. Hell, it was precisely in high school when I met four of my best female friends. Claiming that those friendships aren’t real would not only make me the ultimate hypocrite but would also land me in huge trouble if they were ever to read this paragraph.
But it is usually somewhere around this point that we first start questioning the concept of male-female friendships. Even when we do pursue friendships, it rarely comes without a hidden agenda. We hope that friendship will lead to something more. We hope that pretending we are friends won’t lead to drama within our social circle. We hope that having female friends will make us cool and popular among our peers. (Robert Glover calls these form of actions „covert contracts“, or „I will do this for you, but what’s in it for me.“). (3)Robert Glover: No More Mr Nice Guy
There is no denying that the quality of these friendships is, dubious, to say the least. But I don’t think that is something extraordinary or worrying. After all, most of the high school relationships are superficial (or as Mark Manson calls them, ‘conditional’)(4)Mark Manson: You Don’t Know What Love Is. That doesn’t necessarily refer only to male-female friendships, but any sort of relationship.
However, at some point, usually toward the end of high school or slightly later, you realize that you want to hang out with some people even with no strings attached. Even though the condition is gone, you realize that you enjoy the company of a person nevertheless. Or as I put it, you find out who you hanged out with because you liked hanging out with them, and who you hanged out with only because you were forced to spend time in the same classroom.
And it would be expected that is that once that turbulent period called adolescence is over, you are mature enough to realize that it doesn’t matter if the noun „people“ refers to a male or a female person. That with accumulated wisdom and experience you are able to realize that nowadays, compared to some 50 000 years ago, reproduction shouldn’t be the only goal in relationships between men and women, right?
That, unless your name is Wilt Chamberlain (5)The Atlantic: The Sexual Prower of Wilt Chamberlain, you probably won’t have sex with every attractive woman you meet in your life, so there is no reason not to be friends with some of them, right?
It sounds like a no-brainer to me. But, it would appear that most of the society thinks otherwise.
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
In 1989, a huge number of important historical events occurred which would have changed the world we live in forever.
On the 5th of February, Eurosport, the first multiple – language broadcasting station in Europe dedicated entirely to sport, launched.
On the 1st of October, a civil union between same-sex relationships became legal in Denmark.
But most importantly, on 21st of July, the movie that would have a tremendous influence on the western culture was released – the romantic comedy by Bob Reiner, featuring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, titled When Harry Met Sally. (6)Oh, there was also this thing called the Berlin Wall that finally fell and marked the end of the communism and Cold War. But that’s like, politics. Boring!
Anyway, When Harry Met Sally follows the interaction and relationship of Harry Burns and Sally Albright, two graduates from the University of Chicago, at the various moments of their lives.
The movie explores many aspects of male-female relationships, and is especially famous for tackling the ultimate question, „Can men and women ever be just friends?“
The answer, from the words of the main protagonist, is probably familiar in some form to most of us:
„No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.”
For those of you that started nodding approvingly after reading it, let me just remind you that we are talking about a Holywood movie. And taking life advice from Holywood movies might be slightly delusional, if not outright dangerous. First of all, it should be noted that Harry as a character was based on the director of the movie, Bob Reiner, to an extent. The origins of the movie were derived from Reiner’s single life after divorce.
Let me repeat that. The director of the movie, upon whom the main character, who „solves“ the mystery of male-female friendships, is based, went through a divorce before filming.
Mean tongues would say that this little fact doesn’t add much credibility to Harry’s quote.
Secondly, the remainder of the plot is a perfect example of how Holywood movies differ from real life. It goes without saying that after a lot of ups and downs, Harry and Sally end up together. Harry declares his love toward Sally (!) on a New Year’s Eve (!) and after Sally’s objections, he convinces (?!?) her that they are meant to be together.
Because that’s how it really works, eh? Not at all cliched. Having to „convince” someone to enter a relationship is a great idea to start something new, isn’t it?
Therefore if I were an educated, cultural and well-spoken gentleman, I might have said at this point that I have certain doubts about the validity of Harry’s sentence above. That I take it cum grano salis. But, since I am nothing of a sort, I will express my opinion about Hally’s point of view in a much more direct and vulgar fashion.
It’s utter and complete bullshit!
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY FUCKED US ALL UP
The thing that bothers me about Harry is his narrow-mindedness. I consider Harry’s claim blatantly ignorant because it is far too general. It basically compares Homo sapiens with his ancestors, completely disregarding the social advances made since the era of cavemen and mammoths. Harry focuses completely on the „urge“, on „emotions“ and hints that modern man is also not capable of controlling his actions and desires.
If I were Sally and were able to meet Harry, I would have probably asked him one of the following questions:
- Does it mean that you can’t be on good terms with your ex? Or god forbid, remain a friend with her? Even after a lot of time has passed? It is safe to assume that the attraction is still out there somewhere.
- Does it mean that two elderly married people who consider each other attractive can’t control their actions and therefore shouldn’t hang out at all in order to reduce the chance of cheating their partner?
- Does it mean that living like Dan Bilzerian is the only correct way of living your life?
Come to think of it, don’t answer that last one.
Anyway, the direct consequence of Harry’s outlook is belief that any sort of one on one interaction between men and women who regard each other attractive is impossible without sexual desires. And if sexual desires are unacceptable in a particular instance, the only way of preventing them is to ensure that men and women don’t interact one on one in the first place. This kind of plea for social segregation makes me feel like we live in the 14th century.
Or in Saudi Arabia.
Now, you might be thinking that I am getting overly upset about a single line from a single movie. But unfortunately, it is not the matter of only this particular movie. Harry’s way of thinking is omnipresent in our culture. For instance, in one interview, the vice-president of the United States of America, Mike Pence, claimed that he thinks it is inappropriate for men to eat dinner with women other than his wife. In the same article, one conservative blogger went even further, claiming that there are only two occasions where eating alone with a person of the opposite sex is acceptable.
„Planning your spouse’s surprise party or funeral and that is it.” (7)The Guardian: Mike Pence Doesn’t Eat Alone
Now, such a claim shouldn’t be surprising when we know it comes from someone who is close to Donald Trump. But once again, it is not only the matter of Mike Pence and conservative bloggers. In one poll, a quarter of the subjects thought that private work meetings with colleagues of the opposite sex are inappropriate. Nearly two-thirds said people should take extra caution around members of the opposite sex at work. And the majority of women and nearly half of men said it’s unacceptable to have dinner or drinks alone with someone of the opposite sex other than their spouse. (8)New York Times: Member of the Opposite Sex at Work Gender Study
As expected, this attitude is especially popular among the male literature.. For instance, an article on the website artofmanliness(9)Artofmanliness: Can Men And Women Just Be Friends advises all married men to:
„... tread much more carefully with opposite-sex friendships. I personally would say that after you get hitched, you shouldn’t have an opposite-sex friend you spend time with without your spouse„
However, female literature also shares a similar opinion. For instance, one of the most popular women magazines, Cosmopolitan, regularly gives advice to women about dealing with the opposite sex. One of the popular articles scientifically(10)If you are willing to count a „study” carried out on 88 pairs of UNDERGRADUATE male-female friends as science : Men And Women Cant Just Be Friends proves it is impossible that men and women can’t ever be friends. (11)Cosmopolitan: When Harry met Sally Was Right
And then I told him… Hey, let’s be friends
I personally think something is really wrong in our society if limiting the interaction between male and female for prevention sake is becoming a new social norm. I find it really sad questions on Quora such as: „What are your views on married men having dinners with female friends?” actually, exist.
I think the cause of such a behaviour is ever growing insecurity of individuals entering a relationship. Instead of dealing with these insecurities in a healthy manner, society advises that not trusting your partner is necessary for the perseverance of your relationship. I think that such behaviour is manipulative and controlling. Most importantly, it fails to tackle the consequence and not the root of the insecurity problem. By nurturing the lack of trust your partner, one merely nurtures his own insecurities.
Since we have already mentioned Quora, Franklin Veaux, author of the book More Than Two: A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory (12)Franklin Veaux: More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory has summed up what’s wrong with this segregation policy in his answer to the above question. I think that his answer contains all the reasons why I compared words coming out of Harry’s mouth with the things coming out of his ass earlier:
„My views on married men having dinner with female friends is that we live in a profoundly unhealthy society that teaches us to be insecure, untrusting, and suspicious, and to have low self-esteem. Insecure people with low self-esteem often live their lives, not in joy but in fear, forever terrified that they will lose their partner, and as a result, they freak out over dinners. Or car rides. Or friendships. Or pretty much any interactions between their partners and members of their partners’ preferred sex.
I think that’s a shame. I think it’s a nasty, unpleasant, painful way to live. I think insecurity tends to create the very things it’s afraid of; when you don’t trust your partner and try to limit or control your partner’s social life, you make it more likely your partner will get sick of being treated that way and will leave you.
And I think all that suffering is so very, very unnecessary.“ (13) Quora: What are your views on married man having dinners with female friends – Franklin Veaux Answer
WHEN VJEKO MET VJEKO
So far I have talked a lot about how male-female relationships and friendships are perceived in a rather unhealthy and twisted way in our society. But I still imagine some people thinking something along the lines of: „But all these counter-arguments said nothing about the attraction part of the whole story? You said you had four high school friends, but you never explained whether you find them attractive or not? And how on Earth did you get so good looking, Vjeko?“
I agree that it would be quite pretentious to claim that the attraction part doesn’t play a role whatsoever. Many successful relationships and happy marriages grew from a friendship. If you are able to remember the introduction to this article, the „crush“ I was referring to was actually a good friend of mine, which I have known for a couple of years. Just a couple of months before that „date“, she had just ended her six-year relationship; her ex-boyfriend was also a good friend of mine.
Which makes me quite hypocrite I guess. And a really bad person on top of that.
In any case, this little episode really made me ask myself a dozen of questions. How is it possible that I completely lost my head over this one female friend when the same thing hasn’t happened with my existing female friends? Did I really hang out with her from beginning with the idea that I would eventually hit on her, as she assumed? Are people like Mike Pence and Harry right after all?
It bothered me for quite some time. But eventually, I realized that my analytical side has gotten the worst of me and that I have started complicating things that should be quite simple. First of all, I find these „Did you hang out with me only because of…“ questions one of the sad consequences of the society we live in. This males and females can’t be friends mantra led women to believe that every male has a hidden agenda and operates under a cover contract with the ultimate goal of getting into her pants.
My answer to her was genuine. We started hanging out as friends, we’ve conversated, we joked, we laughed a lot together. We behaved like two friends behave. And it all functioned as a friendship until she became available and I completely lost my head.
Secondly, I lost my head over this particular girl because we all lose our heads sometimes over a certain person for reasons that sometimes aren’t obvious. We lose our heads over our friends and we lose our heads over complete strangers. We don’t have control over this moment and I don’t think we can choose whom we will be attracted to. This might seem contradictory with all my bashing of Harry and society previously in the article. But we have already established I am a huge hypocrite, haven’t we? Moreover, I was never disputing the fact that friendships with the attraction flavour may lead to something more. I was disputing the assumption that they must necessarily do so.
You see, what we DO have the choice are our actions based on this attraction. How we will react in this situations and what will we do is entirely up to us. Even if we feel attraction toward something, that doesn’t mean we should immediately start pursuing that person. I know most people will say you should pursue someone when you feel attracted to him. That by not doing so you are going against yourself. That you are being a coward.
But what about all the other things like compatibility? Social circumstances? Different viewpoints? What about the fact that love is not enough? (14)Mark Manson: Love Is Not Enough. Yes, even though you are friend with someone, it doesn’t mean you are compatible. Should we really overlook everything solely because we’ve had a couple of boners?
In my example, I have chosen to express my feelings. She has chosen to express that she doesn’t feel the same. With hindsight, I should have realised that the fact that we were friends doesn’t necessarily mean she will. If we.. no.. If I was slightly more mature, I could have accepted that as a pretty normal thing in life and carried on.
Unfortunately, being the entitled prick we all sometimes are, I found it hard to deal with reality. Afterwards, I also had a choice to make and I chose to behave in the worst possible manner. I tried to lay the blame on her exclusively, exclaiming popular „not fair” and „you should have” phrases along the way. It effectively killed not only any romantic chances I had but also the whole friendship.
I don’t think that her rejecting me should have automatically resulted in a loss of friendship. Sure, in order to keep going, there would have been some challenges to overcome. But basically, any friendship has some challenges to overcome, irrespectively of the gender of those involved in it. I agree that male-female friendships possibly have a couple of challenges more to overcome (15)Psychology Today: Can Men and Women Be Friends, but those obstacles shouldn’t be insurmountable.
I have mentioned earlier that I have four very good female friends that I have known ever since high school. Whenever I talk about the topic of male-female friendships I mention them as the ultimate confirmation that platonic relationship between men and women really do exist. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t find them attractive. But the attraction was never a key point of our relationship. Apart from a short „oh-she-is-paying-some-attention-to-me“ type of crush I had on one of them in high school, I never lost my head completely over any of them. There was always some other reason, some other crush; there was never incentive strong enough to act on that attraction. And I found all the suggestions that you can’t have female friends and that I should do something just because they are.. you know… girls… rather stupid.
Therefore, I saw no reason not to have a friendly relationship. We were hanging together in high school and continued hanging out during our college education. We spend time together, we spend time separately, we kept being each other’s support. There isn’t a topic in life that we haven’t scratched a bit in our conversations. And I have even visited one of them completely on my own when she was doing her Erasmus in Seville.
A lot of people have told me it was weird. Some even called me asexual, wondered what is wrong with me and what I am doing isn’t natural. Those familiar social stereotypes once again. I found it hard to explain that I completely value her as a person. That I can enjoy my time with her without getting physical. That there is no way I will miss the opportunity to visit Seville and spend time with my friend only because someone thinks it is inappropriate. That the answer to the question „What if?“ was never important.
Because asking the question was irrelevant in the first place.
Footnotes
