The evening was not going according to the plan.

After approximately 10 rounds of a „friendly“ Cards against humanity game, I was very much lagging behind. As the next black card with the words: „What will always get you laid?“ appeared, I decided it was time for desperate measures.

I looked at the best card in my entire hand I have been holding for quite some time now. After a couple of rounds, this was the moment to finally use it. With the best poker face I could muster, I put it among seven other white cards selected by other participants. The Black Card Holder took them all, shuffled them and started turning them around, one by one.

After what it seemed like an eternity to me, he finally reached my brilliance. With a smirk on his face, he read its content in a highly dramatic tone:

Active listening

And everybody burst into laughter.

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The term „active listening” was coined way back in 1957 in an article written by therapists Carl Rodgers and Richard Farson. ⁽¹⁾Rodgers C., Farson, R., Active Listening, Excerpt from 1957 article, Industrial Relations Center, University of Chicago The duo used it as a therapeutical technique designed to cause a positive change in their patients. Carl Rogers was the first to give an official name to the process and he dubbed it „reflective listening“. Later, through the effort of Farson, they renamed it into active listening and the name has stuck in the literature ever since.

Today, everyone has at least heard about the term active listening. It is arguably one of the most overused phrases used in the 21st century.  Communication skills workshops almost always include it in their agenda. It is being used by all sorts of self-help gurus, motivational speakers, leaders, managers, and psychologists.

Even wannabe bloggers.

It would appear that today, everyone demands us to listen to them as actively as possible. Already as kids, we are taught to listen to our parents and our teachers.  As we go through life, we hear sentences such as „Please, listen to me“, „I want you to listen to me with your undivided attention“ and „Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once“ on a regular basis. More importantly, when we are the ones going through a hard time, when we are experiencing a serious crisis, sometimes we just need vent out our frustration. We need to have an epic rant to make us feel better.

We need someone to just listen to us.

Now, considering all this, one would expect we have pretty much progressed toward being the top-notch listeners. That, since we realize the significance of listening to others, we have become the champions of active listening. Unfortunately, the statistics and experience show the reality is much bleaker.

We haven’t.

WHY WE DON’T LISTEN ACTIVELY?

Person A: „ Hey, I have had the greatest day ever!“

Person B: „ Sorry, can you pass me the pepper?“

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Person A: „ Hey, I have had the greatest day ever!“

Person B [while continuing to glare into the screen]: „Sorry, what did you say?“

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Person A: „ Hey, I have had the great…

Person B: „ Wow, I just had such a fantastic day. First I went to … blah blah blah… Then I went to … blah blah blah.. (15 minutes later)… and that’s how it ended. So, how was your day?”

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If you have ever talked with another human being, chances are, you have encountered conversations like these in one form or another. Whether it is your boss not listening to your concerns, your friends not giving a damn about your feelings or your girlfriend ignoring you because you failed to put the toilet seat down, you swine, we often find ourselves in situations where our words have failed to hit the mark. When someone had maybe heard them, but not actually listened to them.

This empirical evidence is backed up by scientific research. Numerous studies have shown that most of us have poor listening skills. For instance, according to Dick Lee and Delmar Hatesohl from the University of Missouri: ⁽²⁾Lee D., Hatesohl D., Listening: Our Most Used Communication Skill, University of Missouri

„Numerous tests confirm that we are inefficient listeners. Studies have shown that immediately after listening to a 10-minute oral presentation, the average listener has heard, understood and retained 50 percent of what was said.

Within 48 hours, that drops off another 50 percent to a final level of 25 percent efficiency.

In other words, we often comprehend and retain only one-fourth of what we hear.“

In another study, carried out by researchers Bob Sullivan and Hugh Thompson, described in their excellent book The Plateau Effect: Getting from Stuck to Success, test takers were:

„[…] asked to sit through a ten-minute oral presentation and, later, to describe its content. Half of the adults can’t do it even moments after the talk, and forty-eight hours later, fully 75 percent of listeners can’t recall the subject matter.“

Now, although these studies DO establish that many of us are lacking in the listening department, what they DON’T explain are the root causes. They don’t tell us why are we so often disengaged and inattentive. They don’t answer the question – WHY are we such poor listeners.

And to an extent this is understandable – it is not an easy question to answer. Articles and research detect numerous factors contributing to our poor listening skills. I personally think they can be roughly divided into three main categories, as follows:

• Illusory superiority

In a study carried out by Iain A. McCormick, Frank H. Walkey and Dianne E. Green, 178 drivers were invited to evaluate their own driving skills. More than 80 % claimed they are above average drivers. ⁽³⁾McCormick I. A., Walkey. F. H., Green D. E., Comparative perceptions of driver ability – a confirmation and expansion, Accident Analysis & Prevention, Volume 18, Issue 3 This phenomenon is called illusory superiority and can be defined as:

„ […] a condition of cognitive bias whereby a person overestimates that person’s own qualities and abilities, in relation to the same qualities and abilities of other persons.“

I think that active listening is very similar to driving in this regard. I think the concept of illusory superiority is very much present. Most people think they listen better than those around them. How often will you hear someone say: „Yeah, I am quite a lousy listener, I lose my focus way too often.“?

In general, people have a lot of difficulties admitting they might suck at something. When that something is a skill like driving or listening, a skill that „everyone should know“, a skill that is „common knowledge“, the level of self – awareness drops even further.

And as a consequence, those around us suffer.

• Communication blocks

In her book Active Listening 101: How to Turn Down Your Volume to TurnU p Your Communication Skills, Emilia Hardman mentions communication blocks as one of the main causes of our poor listening skills:

„Often, we are not good listeners because there is a communication block. One of the most common communication blocks includes ordering people around by telling them what to do […] Or, sometimes as a listener, you moralize and make statements that produce guilt or you may make the person feel like a mistake was made. […] Arguing with the speaker may make the person become defensible or feel inadequate, as well.“

Communication blocks often arise because of the way we approach the conversation. Way too often, we start listening with a predetermined state of mind. We don’t listen to what the other person is telling; we hear what we want to hear instead. For instance, one article mentions joining the conversation with a predetermined attitude and assumptions as one of the barriers to the active listening. Another mentions offering advice before being asked and interpreting the speaker’s message to match your own views.

It would probably pay off if we could all be little less judgemental and little more open-minded.

• Distractions/Self – absorption

Another factor mentioned by Emilia Hardman in the afore-mentioned book is the fast-paced world we live in. I have already written extensively about how our way of life caused my quarter-life crisis and how it is correlated with the higher rates of depression. It would appear it has a negative effect on our relationships and the ability to listen, as well.

To an extent, self-absorption is also a communication block. However, I think that the mechanism is slightly different – instead of focusing on other people on our own terms, we are focusing way too much on ourselves.

I think that self-absorption is by far the most common reason why people fail to listen. Many of us have trouble generating genuine interest in other people. In the world where individualism is highly valued, we are too focused on our own well being. Many people engage in communications and then don’t listen but only wait for their turn to talk. Some people don’t even have the decency to wait but interrupt others instead. We think about our goals and our lives too much and let our minds wander off.

I think that self – absorption is tightly connected with the number of distractions around us. As usual, technology is the culprit here. Smartphones, apps, social networks, news portals, podcasts, etc. There is always something else to do than to talk with those around us. Something else to see.

Something else to listen.

All this being said, I think it is important to be aware how difficult active listening really is. When your friend, your parent or your spouse ignore you to see the latest episode of their favourite TV Show or to get through to the next level of Candy Crush Saga, they don’t do it because they don’t love you. Or because they don’t care about you. They do it because active listening is not easy.

Active listening is fucking hard.

POWER OF THE ACTIVE LISTENING?

An old cliche says that everything good in life is hard. Active listening is not an exception. Despite everything mentioned above, it is still an incredibly important skill – its benefits can’t be overestimated.   For instance, the inventors of the term active listening, Rodgers and Farson were also the first to recognize its importance and benefits. In the aforementioned article, they have written that:

„Active listening is an important way to bring about changes in people. Despite the popular notion that listening is a passive approach, clinical and research evidence clearly shows that sensitive listening is a most effective agent for individual personality change and group development. Listening brings about changes in peoples attitudes toward themselves and others; it also brings about changes in their basic values and personal philosophy. People who have been listened to in this new and special way become more emotionally mature, more open to their experiences, less defensive, more democratic, and less authoritarian.“

Ever since numerous studies have shown that active listening exerts major positive influence in all areas of our life.

For instance, in one study, 115 participants engaged in interactions with 10 experts trained to respond to active listening messages, advice or simple acknowledgements. Participants who received active listening messages or advice felt more satisfied with their conversation then the participants who received simple acknowledgements. The authors concluded active listeners leave a markedly better first impression. ⁽⁴⁾Weger H., Bell G.C., Minei E.M., Robinson M. C., The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions, International Journal of Listening, Volume 18, Issue 1

Another article backed up with a set of studies showed that doctors who spend more time with their patients, talking about their diseases and listening to their concerns are less likely to get sued, even when they commit malpractice. ⁽⁵⁾Levinson W., Roter D. L., Mullooly J.P., Physician-Patient Communication: The Relationship With Malpractice Claims Among Primary Care Physicians and Surgeons, February 1997 ⁽⁶⁾Shapiro R.S., Simpson D.E., Lawrence S.L., A Survey of Sued and Nonsued Physicians and Suing Patients, October 1989 There are studies that point pointed to the significant link between listening ability and several critical constructs, including sales performance. ⁽⁷⁾Comer L.B., Drollinger T., Active Empathetic Listening and Selling Success: A Conceptual Framework, Journal of Personal Selling & Sales Management, Volume 19, Issue 1There are studies that emphasize the importance of the active listening in education – both in the teacher-parent ⁽⁸⁾McNaughton D., Hamlin D., McCarthy J., Learning to Listen: Teaching an Active Listening Strategy to Preservice Education Professionals, Sage Journals, Vol 27, Issue 4  and the teacher-student relationship. ⁽⁹⁾Wolvin A. D., Coakley C.G., Listening Education in the 21st Century, International Journal of Listening, 14:1, 143-152

Hell, even in remote and exotic professions, such as hostage negotiator, active listening is the key. Former FBI lead international hostage negotiator Chris Voss said you want to ask the captors open-ended questions – ones that start with what and how. ⁽¹⁰⁾In chapter 4 of the book Barking Up The Wrong Tree, Eric Barker also talks about hostage negotiation in great detail A study by Terry Royce concluded that the use of active listening in the early stages of the negotiation was a critical factor in the resolution of this crisis and is an essential skill for any hostage negotiator. ⁽¹¹⁾Royce T., The Negotiator and the Bomber: Analyzing the Critical Role of Active Listening in Crisis Negotiations, Negotiation Journal, Volume 21, Issue I

When it comes to professions, nowhere is the skill of active listening as important as in psychotherapy. Personally, I have never experienced how powerful active listening really can be before I started attending therapy myself. You see, during one of the sessions I talked about an event from my past that was really important to me. I mentioned a number of people, I described the circumstances in great details and I talked about my thoughts, feelings and actions revolving around that event.

Three or four sessions later, I was talking about a completely different topic. Suddenly, my therapist referenced this earlier story. I remember it struck me when she suddenly started evoking the names of the people involved. I was amazed by the fact someone took my words so seriously and remembered so many details about complete strangers.

I remember pausing the session with the long and honest: Wow! You actually listened to me! Never before did I feel so important. So special. So understood.

So appreciated.

Thus, the evidence confirming the positive effects of active listening is abundant. It is a skill that improves all sorts of interpersonal relationships. And it is not just about doctor-patient, teacher-student or therapist-client, formal relationships mentioned above. Most importantly, active listening is essential in relationships that are most important to you.

Your romantic relationships.

JOHN GOTTMAN AND BIDDING

When it comes to the study of the romantic relationships, the name of John Gottman is sooner or later bound to appear. This professor emeritus of the University of Washington and doctor of Clinical Psychology basically invented the field. He is best known for his scientific analysis of marital stability.

In the Gottman Institute, a psychological training facility he co-founded together with his wife, he would invite couples in a separate room and monitor their conversations for 15 minutes. On the basis of their behaviour, he was able to predict whether they would remain together after 10 years with more than 90 % certainty.

So, when it comes to the relationships, he really is the  Gott, man ⁽¹²⁾You will hear frivolities such as this one on this blog only

In his book  The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships Gottman introduces the concept of bidding in relationships. Essentially, whenever you start an interaction with someone, you are basically placing a bid and waiting for their response. As Gottman himself explains:

„A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.” A response to a bid is just that—a positive or negative answer to somebody’s request for emotional connection.“

In the book, Gottman elaborates in great detail how to place efficient bids, which is of extreme importance for intimacy and connection. However, what is even more important is how we respond to other people’s bids. Gottman christened this process „turning“ and divided our possible reactions into three categories:

• Turning Toward

Basically, turning toward is accepting someone’s bid and replying to it in a positive way. Turning toward can mean being attentive, touching back, answering a question, laughing, teasing or reciprocating in a way.

• Turning Away

When we turn away from someone, we actually ignore someone’s bid. Common examples include not paying attention, being occupied with something we are doing, changing the subject, not answering the question directly, etc.

• Turning Against

Turning against, just like turning away, is a negative response to someone’s bid. However, instead of simply ignoring or dismissing the other person, turning against is much more aggressive. When we turn against, we usually go ad hominem, we attack the bidder, or we try to fight against his bid.

In terms of listening, turning toward is obviously the active listening approach, while turning away and turning against are different forms of poor listening.

Now, why is all this important? Because throughout his research, Gottman found out that the way people respond to each other’s bids is one of the crucial predictors of the future state of the relationship:

„We learned that people typically respond to another’s bids for connection in one of three ways: They turn toward, turn against, or turn away. By correlating these three types of behaviour with the status of their relationships ten years later, we were able to show how each of these types of behaviour affects people’s connections over the long term.“

Gottman discovered that happy couples turned toward each other much more frequently. Not only that; the average number of the bids spouses made was greater than the number of bids unhappy couples made. On the other hand, relationships involving a whole lot of turning away and against rarely survived. Quite logically, couples who turned against each other quite often separated sooner than couples who turned away. But ultimately, both approaches lead to an unhappy ending.

HOW TO LISTEN ACTIVELY?

Having said everything so far, a logical question follows: Is there anything we can do? Is it possible to change your behaviour and your patterns? How do you become an active listener?

As many other things in life, active listening is a skill that can be learnt. Most common advice usually focuses different techniques designed to improve your listening skills. Most of us are intuitively familiar with these techniques. Generic advice such as paying attention, focusing on the details, trying to put ourselves in the speaker’s position, avoidance of interrupting, waiting for the speaker to finish are found all over the Internet ⁽¹³⁾For instance, in this Forbes article

However, although these tips and tricks are definitely not harmful, I think they don’t give the complete picture. Call me crazy, but I think active listening has as much to do with our state of mind as with our actions. I think that, in order to become the attentive listeners, we need to raise the level of our self – awareness to new levels and significantly alter our way of thinking.

In order to illustrate my point, allow me to mention one of the life-changing books, Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People, once again. As one of the way to make people like us, Dale recommended becoming genuinely interested in other people:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

When I first heard this advice, I had difficulty grasping its significance. In other words, I thought generating interest is the result of listening to others:

Listening -> Hearing something interesting -> Generating interest

It took me a while to realize that this is not necessarily the best approach. Although it seemed a bit unnatural at first, I tried forcing myself to generate interest in others, even when I didn’t feel like it. I initially felt like a fraud, like I am faking it like I am doing it against my will. But surprisingly enough, after some time I realized I get much more interested in others than I used to do.

I realized we can leverage the cycle to our advantage:

Generating interest -> Listening -> Hearing something interesting

You see, generating interest should not be the result of listening to others, but vice versa. If you enter a conversation with the open mind, being prepared to listen, being prepared to hear something interesting, you most probably will.  I firmly believe making this small adjustment, shifting the responsibility from others on myself and not having unrealistic expectations allowed me to appreciate other people more.

And to become a better listener.

CAVEATS OF THE ACTIVE LISTENING

Now, before you go out in the brave new world and start listening from the bottom of your heart, I would like to mention just one more thing. You see, as usual in life, things are not always black and white. Although active listening has a number of benefits, if not handled correctly, it also involves some dangers. I know a number of people, wonderful listeners, who are always prepared to be there for you, to listen to your issues no matter what.

The problem is the word always. These people have the tendency of giving too much. They rarely know how to set a boundary. People start relying on them and expect them to be there for them no matter what. If they commit to a greater number of people, it is not uncommon to see them get burnt out. To see them overwhelmed and constantly tired.

It is kinda similar to volunteering. Giving back to others is a wonderful feeling, but giving too much has a negative effect. In the book Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Succes, Adam Grant writes that:

„In a study of more than two thousand Australian adults in their mid-60’s, those who volunteered between one hundred and eight hundred hours per year were happier and more satisfied with their lives than those who volunteered fewer than one hundred or more than eight hundred hours annually.“

I think it is important to be aware of the dangers of giving it all. That we shouldn’t be prepared to listen unconditionally, no matter what. That every active listener should have the right to say no when he feels like it.

In any case, at the end of the day, if used appropriately, active listening is an extremely powerful tool. Because every single person in the world has the same favourite topic of conversation. It is not the recent blockbuster movie, not the weather, Marie Curie, the origin of the universe, nor Donald Trump. It is not their mother, their brother, their friend, their spouse.   It is not even the result of the recently concluded Candidates Chess Tournament 2018. ⁽¹⁴⁾Seriously, what kind of losers follow chess and write reports on chess events?

It is themselves.