Fuck Your Entitlement

Death Note, a famous Japanese anime/manga series, follows the story of a genius High School Student Light Yagami. Light finds an odd-looking notebook in his high-school backyard and soon discovers that it has supernatural powers; whenever you write a name of a person in it, that person instantly dies from a stroke.

Sounds like fun, eh? Well, it gets even better.

Light initially decides to use the notebook to get rid of the „bad“ people in the world. He starts mercilessly executing all sorts of criminals . Soon, he becomes known to the broader public as Kira, which is derived from the Japanese pronunciation of the word „killer“.  However, very shortly after he writes the first couple of names down,  things start getting out of the hand. Carried away with his concept of justice, Kira soon starts dreaming about creating a world where only the people moral by his own standards are allowed to live. He even openly refers to himself as the self-proclaimed god in this new world.

Such a concept is greatly misguided because his own perception of which people are „bad“ proves to be very relative. As the plot progresses, everyone against his vision of the new world falls into the category of „bad“. Such an opponent is therefore regarded as a threat that should be eliminated at any cost. In that way, he ends up killing police officers and a bunch of innocent people. In the end, even Kira’s own father falls victim to his manipulations and shenanigans. The only consolation is that his crimes don’t remain unpunished; near the end of the show, he gets outsmarted by another really intelligent student.

Have I already mentioned it is really a charming show?

Anyway, the real question is, how did a highly intelligent student with a questionable but understandable moral agenda became a lunatic serial killer with annoying laughter typical for Japanese Anime?

In my opinion, the answer is clear.  He succumbed to the feeling of entitlement.

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE NIETZSCHE

Now, the author of the Death Note Tsugumi Ohba is definitely not the first person who toyed with the conception of what’s „good“ and what’s „bad“ in the society.  Approximately one century before him, German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche reached very similar conclusions in one of his Essays. ⁽¹⁾Friedrich Nietzsche: On the Genealogy of Morals

Nietzsche wrote that throughout the centuries, the concept of the „good“ was defined by a certain group of people, he refers to as the aristocrats:

„Much rather has it been the good themselves, that is, the aristocratic, the powerful, the high-stationed, the high-minded, who have felt that they themselves were good, in contradiction to all the low, the low-minded, the vulgar and the plebeian.“

Furthermore, the aristocratic people don’t define the „good“ on the basis of the universal moral principles, but rather on their own viewpoint:

„ This [aristocratic] man…. conceives the root idea „good“ spontaneously and straight away, that is to say, out of himself, and from that material creates a concept of „bad“.

I think that this error in judgement is precisely what allowed Kira to justify his actions. In his mind, there was nothing wrong with his actions. After all, he was merely getting rid of everything „bad“ and making the world a better place for everyone, right? This is precisely where entitlement element kicks in. The creation of the moral frame in which Kira is „g(o)od“ and other people are „bad“ put him above these people.

One last time, I give it to Nietzsche:

„[…]the idea of political superiority always resolves itself into the idea of psychological superiority[…]“

And once you establish yourself as a superior, you automatically gain the right of doing things your way.

ENTITLEMENT

In simple language, entitlement is exactly that: the sense of having a right to something. This „something“ can be anything. Entitlement is assuming that you have a right to basic medical care. Entitlement is assuming that your paycheck should arrive on time. Entitlement is assuming that it is perfectly normal to slide you suitcase to an assistant awaiting your return from the airport.

From the above, it stems that not all forms of entitlement are unhealthy. Psychologists claim that entitlement is an essential part of children’s psychological development. The fact that children view themselves as „special“ is an integral part of learning about your own self-importance. It is a parent’s task not to let this feeling of importance grow so much that a child fails to recognize and respect the rights of others. ⁽²⁾Psychology Today: What Makes Some People Feel Entitled

Also, a certain level of entitlement in later stages of life helps a person to establish healthy personal boundaries. For instance, let’s assume you are feeling entitled to a proper vacation once a year. Even if your employer tries to rob you of this right, by feeling entitled there is a higher probability that you will stand up for yourself and fight for your rights.

Were it not for this healthy or normal form of entitlement, women would have never been granted the opportunity to vote. Slavery would have never been abolished. ⁽³⁾Okay, I agree these social phenomena weren’t caused exclusively by entitlement. There was a whole series of factors such as social and economic environment, the perception of self-control, etc. However, for the sake of this article, allow me to “simplify” the model a bit in order to illustrate how entitlement sometimes leads to good things more vividly Football players would have never been granted the opportunity to have enormous contracts were it not for the not very famous Belgian football player after whom the infamous Bosman rule is named. ⁽⁴⁾SkySports: How the Bosman Rule changed football

Okay, okay, I might have gone a bit too far. These are not the best examples of the natural entitlement, I agree.

Why should women vote in the first place?

Uhm… where was I? Ah yes.. although a little feeling of entitlement is undeniably very important in terms of self-respect and confidence, it is very important to avoid the feeling of having the automatic right to do everything you please. Such a form of entitlement, where there is a high tendency of ignoring the rights of other people, is consequently known as the narcissistic entitlement.

THE NARCISSISTIC FORM OF ENTITLEMENT

Bestseller author Ryan Holiday described the narcissistic form of entitlement in the following manner ⁽⁵⁾Ryan Holiday: Ego is the Enemy:

„Entitlement assumes: This is mine. I’ve earned it. At the same time, entitlement nickels and dimes other people because it can’t conceive of valuing another person’s time as highly as its own. It delivers tired and pronouncements that exhaust the people who work for and with us, who have no choice other than to go along. It overstated our abilities to ourselves, it renders generous judgment of our prospects, and it created ridiculous expectations.“ 

It is not necessary to be a big fan of something as obscure as Japanese anime to come up with an example of narcissistic entitlement. It is enough to take a look at the history of mankind. Although I am usually highly reluctant to be another proponent of the infamous Godwin’s law ⁽⁶⁾Wikipedia: The Godwin’s Law, Nazi Germany is virtually the most obvious example of entitlement issues gone awry. Hitler and his companions clearly felt so entitled that they saw nothing wrong in sending 6 million to death in the gas chambers.

Naturally, Hitler is perhaps the most extreme, but definitely not the only example of political leader succumbing to entitlement. Alexander the Great is another example. He felt that it is all right to send his army on the other side of the globe and risk the lives of his soldiers, only because of his entitlement to immortality in history books.

Napoleon Bonaparte. Sending his army all the way to Russia.. well, I guess you can see the pattern here.

All these conquerors shared similar egoistic issues. As with Kira, their narcissistic entitlement led them to believe they are sort of „gods“ of their own world. They saw no problems in causing the deaths of millions merely because of their feeling of greater value. After all, they weren’t doing anything wrong. I am highly convinced that in their entitlement they considered that they had physical right on the different parts of the Earth territory.

Pablo Escobar is another very good example of how narcissistic entitlement can lead to extremely arrogant and violent behaviour. For those of you who aren’t familiar with his name, or have never had an evening of Netflix and chill, Escobar is probably the most famous drug lord of all times. At the height of his power, his Medellin cartel distributed 80% of the cocaine in the World. ⁽⁷⁾Wikipedia: Pablo Escobar

The Netflix show Narcos, filmed on the basis of Escobar life, truthfully reconstructs his character. The degree of his entitlement is apparent on many occasions, but I was particularly struck by his monologue in the third episode of the second season.

„Everything you see here is mine. Everything you have is because I allow you to have it. Everything you think are protecting, you are protecting it for me.“

And yes, I know I watch way too much television. But I have every right to do it, what do you want?

ENTITLEMENT IN ME

„But, Vjeko, the examples of the famous persons you mentioned above are a very extreme type of entitlement. I am nothing like that, why did you make me read all this when I could have had an evening of Netflix and chill myself.“

To be completely honest, I have had this attitude for the most part of my life. I have regarded myself as a perfectly nice guy who mostly got things he deserved due to his hard work and dedication. However, after discovering the work of Robert Glover and the so-called Nice Guy syndrome, I started discovering many different patterns in my past behaviour that contained high degrees of entitlement. ⁽⁸⁾Robert Glover: No More Mr. Nice Guy

For instance, Glover introduces the concept of the so-called covert contracts. Covert contracts basically mean doing stuff for other people not for the sake of doing it, but rather for the sake of getting something in return. This is the very old „What’s in it for me“ concept of doing things.

Considering that I was kind of a nerd during my high school years, I always had some trouble connecting with my peers. So, in order to make this task much easier, I’ve decided to play the role of the class nerd to a maximal extent. I used to lend people my homework. I used to help them when solving tests. I used to explain subjects to people I basically couldn’t  stand, and that couldn’t stand me. All they had to do was ask me.

Now, there is nothing wrong in being helpful and supportive toward the people you are surrounded with. The problem was that my motivation for my acts was way off the chart. I didn’t help anyone unconditionally, for the sake of helping. No. Every single of my actions integrated a covert contract of a sort.

I used to help my friends with the intention of making them like me even more. I used to help girls in hope that they would appreciate these acts of kindness and go on a date with me. I used to help those who weren’t my friends in order to force them to change their opinion about me.

Kinda pathetic, isn’t it?

Naturally, my acts of „kindness“ didn’t always work. People would „break“ their part of the covert contract. They still wouldn’t like me. Girls wouldn’t go on date with me. Such a turn of events would make me very angry; only because of my entitlement. When I helped people, I considered that I have every right to expect positive feelings in return.  Which usually weren’t there.

Things got even more out of control when I entered college. In Croatia, there is a sort of ‘mantra’ that the Faculty of computing and engineering is ‘elite’. For the insecure and confused 19 year old that I was, such a mantra was the last thing I needed because it quickly got into my head.

I still remember how, during my freshman year, I felt entitled to be considered as an elite. It manifested itself in numerous ‘jokes’ toward other faculties. It subconsciously manifested itself in the way I led conversations with friends who didn’t enter the same „elite“ college I did. Heck, I even told a female pharmacy student I’ve just met at the party that she has no right eating in our own cantine and that she should go to her own. Makes you really wonder how I ended up at a party in the first place.

Anyway, the real horror is that it took me years to understand my behaviour fully. It took me years to admit that the apparent humour behind my sentences was only a defensive mechanism and that subconsciously I really believed all this nonsense about engineers as the master race.  However, as hurtful as this realization was, it was really valuable. Because nowadays it is much easier for me to identify the hints of entitlement.

Not only in me, but in other people as well.

ENTITLEMENT IN OTHERS

Detecting entitlement in others is not always as transparent and easy as in the cases of Hitler, Napoleon and Kira. Sometimes, drawing the line between normal and narcissistic entitlement can be quite difficult indeed. American psychologists Ackerman and Donellen conducted a complicated study full of statistical parameters when trying to determine the traces of narcissistic behaviour. They weren’t able to come up with a definite conclusion. ⁽⁹⁾What Does the Narcissistic Personality Inventory Really Measure

Further problems in detecting the narcissistic entitlement in others are presented with the nature of the narcissistic entitlement. According to the blogger and the bestseller author Mark Manson, narcissistic entitlement manifests itself in two ways: ⁽¹⁰⁾Mark Manson: Subtle Art Of Not Giving a Fuck

1. I am awesome and the rest of you all suck, so I deserve special treatment.
2. I suck and the rest of you are all awesome, so I deserve special treatment.

More importantly, entitlement is not uniform. You will often see entitled people flip back and forth between the two. My „I am a nerd and you are all cool kids“ concept clearly belongs to the number two on this list, while my superiority complex during the college is indubitably in the „I am awesome“ category.

However, whereas most of my friends called me on my bullshit and criticized my behaviour toward the pharmacy girl, no one ever doubted my intentions and motivation behind my high-school actions. In other words, detecting this „victim mentality“ and evaluating it correctly as a form of entitlement is often an insurmountable task.

Recently I was reminded of these difficulties after reading the internet comments to the article that showed the interior of the luxurious home of two Istrian dentists made for their retirement. The social media commentators were in my view unnecessarily harsh. Especially considering that the point of the article was the promotion of the interior designer who made the whole thing and not self-promotion of the dentists. One particular comment really struck me. One elderly woman wrote something along the following lines:

„I wonder how on Earth can they afford such a flat. I have been working my whole life and still they gave me nothing. „

For some reason, this made me really angry. The pure amount of jealousy in the comment was apparent, but the „not fair“ victimization with the addition of expectations that „someone“ should „give something“ immediately triggered my entitlement alarm. However, I’ve said to my self, Vjeko, don’t judge to fast, you don’t know her life story.

I would have almost forgotten the episode if I weren’t  buying some groceries later that day. On the exit of the store, there was a middle-aged woman, standing with the sign:

„My life situation forces me to seek the help of others. Without the kind-hearted people like you, I will not be able to pay my rent.“

Usually, when I see people fully capable of work begging, I avoid them like a plague⁽¹¹⁾I know, I know, I am a huge douchebag. But we both know you do the same, don’t you?. However, the expression on this woman’s face together with the sign never made me doubt her honesty. I approached her, gave her some money, and actually bothered to ask her how she found herself in such a position. I have never done anything similar before, didn’t know what to expect and tried to be as respectful as possible. To my surprise, she answered very calmly that she and her husband have both lost their jobs, that they have a monthly rent to pay. In order to deal with the monetary issues,  they work all sorts of jobs they can and reject nothing.

However, they never receive any permanent jobs. In order to provide for their two children, they have reluctantly decided to try begging. The poor woman stood there during the snow, during the heat, the rain and the cold. I was fascinated by the lack of bitterness and feeling of entitlement in her. Despite her difficult situation, she never sought anything that didn’t belong to her, nor did she assume that her life situation automatically grants her a right to help. She decided to take responsibility for her problems. The pure contrast between her and the internet lady was staggering.

Therefore, dear elderly women commenting on the social networks, have you stood on your feet during the snow, the heat, the rain and the cold? Have you ever showed any sort of extra effort throughout your life? Have you tried finding an additional source of income after your working hours were over, if money is so important to you? Have you ever tried taking full responsibility for your actions and outcomes that follow as a result of those actions?

Have you invested time and focused on nurturing a particular skill? Have you in any way whatsoever tried to deserve that „something“ „someone“ should supposedly „give you“?

If the answer to all those questions is no..then I have only one thing to say.

Fuck your entitlement.