„Man! That was some good talk!“, he said while sipping the last drops of the beer from the bottle of his table in his mouth. „Glad we decided to hang out today!“

„What do you mean good talk? We just talked about regular, everyday stuff. It’s not like we touched upon the meaning of life or anything deeper!”, I replied,  with a healthy dose of pompousness and lack of any social intelligence.

„You fucking pretentious moron!“, he retorted.

„Did it ever cross your mind that is exactly what made it so great?“

Ever since I was a young kid, I was perfectly aware of how completely unassuming and unremarkable I am.

Even though I don’t consider myself unattractive, I am also not particularly attractive – definitely not the kind of person whose face and body you remember for days and/or weeks after our initial meeting.

I was also never very socially adept. Nor a particularly charismatic person. I was never one of those guys standing in the middle of the room, telling story after story, joke after joke, entertaining the entire audience.

At parties, I was one of those guys standing awkwardly next to the near wall, licking the top of their over-expensive beer-bottle, occasionally exchanging a set of formalities with the nearest person and spending the majority of the evening staring at the nearest floor. ¹

If you ever encountered me on the street, you’d probably acknowledge my existence and then forget all about it the moment our paths diverged…

Thus, since my youngest days, I was searching for ways of breaking away from my default state of anonymity.

Since those friendships, I did manage to establish mainly revolved around common activities (playing football, training table tennis, raiding 10- or 25- man dungeons in World of Warcraft), since I always prided myself with the extent of my intellect and since I devoured a lot of crappy PUA and self-help books advising me to work on myself, I devised an obvious solution.

If my default state was being ordinary and uninteresting, the only way of changing that was becoming as special and interesting as humanly possible. I realized I had to add maximum value to every social interaction I ever have. I had to have something in common not just with a handful of friendly geeks, but everyone that ever lived.

Since there was nothing special about the regular old Vjeko, it was mandatory to try to be „special“ in more than one way.

Therefore, from a certain point in my life (somewhere between 17-20 years of age), I started doing all in my power to become as special as humanly possible. I started saying yes to almost any opportunity. I immersed myself in learning new skills and trying out new hobbies. I intentionally went outside of my comfort zone and exposed myself to new situations. I got obsessed with achievements and productivity. Citius, Altius, Fortius became my new motto. In the immortal words of the Pokemon theme song, I had to be „The very best!“.

There is no denying all these efforts weren’t in vain. Over the course of the last decade, I managed to differentiate myself from others to the point of being singular.

It is not my overinflated ego or illusion of own importance speaking – it is just a cold hard fact. I mean – how many Chess Candidate Masters who play the piano and also have the experience of playing the guitar in a hardcore band, who compete in both table tennis and chess national leagues, who have some basic experience in salsa dancing, who run and maintain chess and pop-psychology blogs and who quit their electrical engineering job to work for a chess start-up do you know?

(Oh, I forgot to mention I am also the type of person who would google his name, screenshot a snippet of that google search and include it in the article to prove a point and gloat his own greatness)

I had the premonition that being such a remarkable, unique individual would solve all my social problems. That I would immediately enlighten every room I would walk into. That people would hoard just to hear me share one tiny bit of my incredible wisdom and knowledge.

Needless to say, nothing of the sort happened. In fact, not only didn’t my „uniqueness“ solve many of my existing problems.

It introduced a completely new set of ones…

Even though the reasons behind drug use are numerous and psychology behind them nuanced and complicated, ² one of the common explanations behind drug addiction is „numbing your pain by running away from your current situation“. For example, an article titled The Science of Drug Use: Discussion Points, National Institute on Drug Abuse on the official website of the National Institute of Drug Abuse states that:

„Drug use can start as a way to escape […]“.

The constant pursuit of „specialty“ is very similar to drug addiction – it can (and often is) used as a mean to escape/divert yourself from your problems rather as an end of dealing with them. This issue is very typical of all „work hard and never keep improving“ mottos prevalent in the self-help industry and social media world.

You simply embark on a path of pursuing that goal. Without every thinking whether that goal is well-defined.

The big danger lies in the fact that this pursuit is a never-ending endeavour. There is always something to be improved, another skill to be learned, an extra flavour of „being special“ you can attain.

It is a very dangerous concept. Because it is hard to define a point where you start improving for the sake of improving.

A point where you are enough by simply… being you.

This is a trap I’ve gotten myself into over the years. I effectively started using all my hobbies and activities to numb my pain. To distract myself from the fact that, behind all the singularity and uniqueness, my underlying belief that I am not enough – that I have to be remarkable just to be worth noticing – was still very much present.

Even though I was believing I was solving my problems, I was – just like an addict – effectively running from them.

And the worst thing about it all? It didn’t even have the desired impact on the people around me.

Have you ever stumbled upon one of those people who just can’t stop talking about their life, their achievements, their accomplishments? ³

Have you noticed that their stories are initially very captivating and interesting to hear? That outstanding individuals do spark up your interest and turn you into an attentive listener…

… for a while. Have you also noticed how quickly those endless stories get boring and tiring?

How after several interactions…nay…several hours with them your interest quickly vanishes – especially if that person does it disproportionately and shares snippets from their entire life, even though you have just met them?

How you just start wishing that they also asked you a question.

Or at least started talking about something else.

Something less extraordinary.

Something less impressive.

Something mundane.

And ordinary?

This is a thing I noticed during the years of shoving my specialty into everybody’s face.

Most people either don’t care. Or they stop caring relatively quickly.

Being special/interesting/unique is a welcome „extra“ to add flavour to human interaction. But not the basis for any sort of meaningful relationship.

When people are interacting with each other, they don’t necessarily want to feel as if they are constantly reviewing an encyclopedia. That they are listening to their favourite podcast. That they are talking with god damn Socrates, Platon or Aristotle, trying to decipher the deepest secrets of life and universe.

People want something much simpler. A keen ear that will listen to them. Someone they can talk to about every day, „mundane“ things that keep bothering them. Someone who will possibly interact to them without excessive advice-giving, „smart-assing“ or judgment.

Someone they can rely on. Who will show signs of care and respect. Who will laugh with them, cry with them, outrage with them.

Who will answer the call, stop what they are doing.

Devote time to them. Devote attention to them and refrain from scrolling their Facebook feed while they are sitting at a coffee in a nearby cafe.

Who will be there for them, lift them up, help them in time of need.

Irrespective if that person is a top-class physicist and owner of three super-successful business. Or just your average Joe living an „ordinary“, „average Joe“ life.

This is what was so great about the conversation with my friend. Since we have known each other for a long time, I didn’t try to impress him. I didn’t showcase my specialty. I was simply being me, in the most human, mundane form you can possibly imagine.

I was just an ordinary friend enjoying the company of another ordinary friend talking about ordinary things in life.

And that is what made the conversation so extraordinary….

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not claiming you shouldn’t make an effort to be interesting at all.

By all means – please do. The only thing that is worse than a person that is too interesting or special is the person that is not interesting or special at all.

But please be mindful of how you „use“ that specialty. If I may paraphrase overly-used Spiderman quote:

„With great specialty comes great responsibility!“

Don’t shove your specialty down everybody’s throat. Show it gently and slowly, one bit a time. Make sure the other person in the interaction is prepared and willing to take more. Find the golden mean – as with everything in life, moderation is the key.

Never forget that being interesting is a nice addition to a whole complete package. Not the substitute for the package itself.

You don’t need to be someone’s favourite podcast. You don’t need to be someone’s favourite encyclopedia. You don’t need to be the most charismatic and charming date. You don’t need to be the most exhilarating and memorable experience of anybody’s life.

You just need to be there for them. With a clear mind and a clear heart. Day in. Day out. Consistency is the key. Rinse and repeat.

Cover the basics. Be a nice human being. Learn how to listen. How to acknowledge other people. How to treat them with compassion and empathy.

Because being special is just an addition. An extra feature. A cherry on the top.

But being special is not enough.

But why didn’t he say anything?

My friends and I were dumbfounded. After a long period of ghosting, it suddenly struck us. Our best high-school friend, a member of our inner circle, our ‘brother from another mother’ – isn’t constantly too busy to hang out with us.  He doesn’t want to anymore.

We realized we haven’t seen him in ages. We realized we don’t know what is going on in his life. We realized we haven’t had a real talk for a while.

We realized we have lost a friend.

It hurt like fuck. It was a major blow to our egos. How can anyone reject our friendship when we are so majestic? His act shook our self-image and threatened our very identities.

But that was only half of the problem. An even bigger source of pain was the shock. It came completely unexpected. And we didn’t understand what caused him to do so.

With hindsight, it shouldn’t have been THAT surprising. We weren’t exactly ideal friends. We also weren’t that compatible – the main reason we hanged out was history. We have known each other since high-school and held ourselves together ever since. None of us recognized that with years, priorities and values change. People change.

Friendships change.

Back in the day, we were unable/unwilling to figure that out. And our friend was unable/unwilling to talk to us. He simply disappeared and never returned. And left a gaping hole in our hearts and minds.

That is not to say he OWED us an explanation. But we would have appreciated one. We would have liked to hear it all from him.

We would have liked to get closure.

What is (cognitive) closure?

The term cognitive closure was coined by social psychologist Arie Kruglanski (who devoted his life to its research). In 1996, he defined it as “individuals’ desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity”. ¹

We all feel the need for cognitive closure on a daily basis. Whether it is a terrible book you can’t give up ² or an awful movie you  watch until the end even though it lasts way too long ³, we all want to know how things end.

Naturally, closure is most often mentioned in the context of our relationships. Getting closure is often recommended as a way of getting over a break-up. Various dating sites advise contacting your ex and asking him for an explanation.

It makes sense – we all like to get definite answers. We all like to know where and why it went wrong.

Do we need closure?

However, just because we like something doesn’t automatically mean it is good for us. ⁴  There is a lot of debate revolving closure. People wonder if it really IS useful. Do we really NEED it?

The opponents of closure are numerous and loud. There is a number of articles out there that try to convince us of its futility.

For example, this article in Elite Daily states that „ A lot of times, breakups have no explanation and are just based on how someone feels at the moment.“. It also tells us to „stop stalking him on social media“. ⁵

Another article on Thoughtcatalog tells us we are not broken glass dolls. The third one on Bolde tells us life is to short. Finally, this one on TheMindsJournal tells us seeking closure is seeking external validations. And that all relationships that end are just like in Dawson’s Creek – toxic, full of drama and tears. Oh, and they make you miserable.

However, there are also more credible closure critics. First of all, Kruglanski –  the „alpha and omega“ of research on closure – made a curious discovery in one of his studies. According to him, the need for closure varies from individual to individual: ⁶

It is also possible that there exist stable individual differences in the extent to which persons cherish closure. Those differences may derive from a variety of sources, including norms, and socialization practices that differ in the extent to which judgmental confidence, orderliness and clarity are culturally appreciated (Hofstede, 1980). Individuals growing up in cultures placing a high value on those attributes may develop a stronger need for closure than individuals where they are de-emphasized or regarded negatively.

Another fervent opponent of closure is Nancy Berns, author of the book Closure: The Rush To End Grief And What It Costs Us. In her book and two Psychology Articles, titled Why People Hate Closure and How To Get Beyond Closure she takes a firm stance against the need for closure and states closure is overrated.

She also gave a very interesting TedTalk on the topic, in which she goes a step further and ascertains that closure doesn’t even exist:

I know you are asking yourself: Hey Vjeko, if even social psychologists are against closure, why did you title your article Power of Closure? We knew you are scum, but does that mean you are also a scam?

Well…allow me to defend my click-baiting and my integrity ⁷ in the next part of the post.

The Power Of Closure

Despite all the arguments against it, I still believe closure is powerful.

Opponents of the closure are quick to point out that we are often unable to find out answers. That seeking them in the face of adversity can be harmful. But I think that assertion highly depends on how we approach closure. On its definition in the first place.

Berns herself admits there are several definitions of closure. In the afore-mentioned Ted Talk, she described closure as „End To Our Grief“. She assumes „closure“ leads to the absence of negative emotions. That it leads to a delusional false positivity. And as the reader might remember – being constantly positive is one of the worst advice anyone can ever give you.

I don’t think closure should have anything to do with the avoidance of grief. On the contrary, it is precisely the ability to grief. Many people are unable to express their sadness, anger and sorrow. The goal of the closure is to let those emotions go. To accept the grief.

It is no wonder closure is a vital part of the therapeutical process. It is one of the pillars of the Gestalt approach to psychotherapy. From Allen R. Barlow:  Gestalt Antecedent Influence On Historical Accident:

. . . one of the basic laws of Gestalt formation — the tension arising out of the need for closure is called frustration, the closure is called satisfaction . . . With satisfaction, the imbalance is annihilated, it disappears. The incident is closed.

Just as balance and discovery are met on all levels of existence, so are frustration, satisfaction and closure.
(Perls, 1969b, pp.86-87)

I know most of the time other people don’t give us the answers we are looking for. And that it can cause us pain. But it is unreasonable to expect it from them in the first place. Seeking closure through confrontation with expectation doesn’t lead anywhere. Counterintuitively – the best path toward closure is having no expectations from the other side at all. According to this BlogCognifit article:

It can be extremely therapeutic to let the source of your need for closure how you feel. Do you miss them? Are you angry they left you so early? Or maybe you want to say sorry because you should have been there with them. The important thing with confrontation, whether they are dead or alive, is don’t expect a reaction.

That’s why, in the end, the closure has nothing to do with knowing out all the answers. And everything to do with how you approach the search for ambiguity. We can’t always resolve things with other people. But we can always resolve things with ourselves. And search for peace within.

As the author of a great article on Luvze put it:

Therapists argue that instead of trying to find closure, which may never be possible, it is best to find meaning, even if there is no final “end.” The take-home message is to be OK with not knowing “why” things ended. Being OK with not having all the answers can then lead to deeper personal growth because it bolsters our ability to tolerate anxiety associated with ambiguity or uncertainty in our lives. In other words, we can never know all the reasons that some of our relationships end. Accepting this (even when it is uncomfortable to do so) makes dealing with other uncertainties in life easier.

An Open Letter To My Ex-Crush

Now, why have I indulged in all this debate about closure? Because recently, I was approached by a female friend of mine ⁸ and asked whether I would be interested in another guest post.

Considering I don’t get guest post requests any day and that the previous guest post about depression is one of the better articles on this website, ⁹ I said maybe. When she told me what it’s about and sent me the draft, that maybe quickly became Hell Yes!

Back in the day, my friend had a huge crush on her friend.

They talked a lot.

They laughed a lot.

They hanged out a lot.

However, nothing ever happened between them. As time passed by, due to lack of communication and maturity, the friendship started eroding. Until one everything collapsed in a shitstorm of drama.

They stopped communicating. They haven’t seen each other for years. They had zero contact whatsoever.

It bugged her for a while. But she didn’t do anything about it. As people most often do. She subscribed to the „time heals all wounds“ quote. And tried to move on with her life.

Everything changed when she started going to therapy. She discovered that this wound is still open. And affecting her current relationships.

Her therapist advised her to seek closure. And since we all know writing is a healthy habit, she advised her to write a letter to her ex-crush. She didn’t even advise her to send it. Just to put her thoughts and emotions on paper.

There is a reason for it. According to another Psychology Today article, titled Why We Need Closure From Broken Relationships:

You may find peace in confronting your ex-partner’s hurtful actions by writing him or her a letter without expecting a response, which you may or may not choose to send. A specific type of writing, research shows, can be particularly effective in lessening post-dissolution distress: Examining the relationship through a redemptive lens, wherein one focuses on the positive outcomes that arise from a break-up or a negative event. Writing about the relationship in this way, over the course of 4-days, has been shown to reduce the emotional suffering that can come from a relationship ending.

So, my friend did it. She wrote a letter. As you will soon see, she wrote it without expectations. She wrote first and foremost – for herself. She expressed herself freely.

The result is beautiful. The whole letter is radiating with emotions and pain. You can feel how much that friendship meant to her. And how much she regrets losing it.

I didn’t venture to ask if she actually sent the letter.  But it was a perfect example of closure. I hope it helped her.

And I do hope it might inspire the reader to do the same.

That it might also help you.

So without further ado, I give it to my friend:

Dear Ex-Crush,

I just sat at my computer, ready to write you a letter. And I immediately got stuck. I honestly don’t know how and where to begin.

With cliche greeting? How are you? How’s life? Sounds lame even before I put it on the paper.

With a silly joke? Do you still guard ¹⁰ our memories? Cringe even for my standards.

So, even though it might turn out melodramatic, maybe it is the best to start in medias res. To start on a serious note. Let me explain why I am writing this letter in the first place.

You might remember how we met during the concert last week. How I greeted you joyfully.

I have to admit your cold reaction hurt like hell.

Not that it wasn’t expected. After everything that has happened, after everything I have done, it is quite logical. As they say: You reap what you have sown.

But it hurt nevertheless. More precisely, it made me very sad. Sad, because it unexpectedly struck me how quickly relationships go awry. How easy it is to destroy a friendship. How quickly good friends become total strangers.

Of course, this was not the first time we met after college. But I would always find a way to suppress my sorrow. I would convince myself I am all grown up now. That it’s the course of life. Or I was too proud to admit the sorrow still exists.

Now we (FINALLY) come closer to the reason I am writing this letter. I simply wanted to express myself.

A part of me wanted to do so sooner. But I didn’t know how. I was afraid of simply inviting you to grab some coffee. Afraid you would think it is yet another manipulation, yet another try of winning you over, yet another try to violently change things.

It is honestly NOT my intention – the whole idea behind is letter is to tell you some things I never got to tell you.

First of all, I would like to tell you how much your friendship meant to me during college. Our relationship is one of those relationships that marked my days at the uni.

There aren’t many people with such an incredible intelligence you could talk with about literally anything.

There aren’t many people with such an incredible sense of humor, who could always make me laugh. Who are immune to my toilet humor.

There aren’t many people with such an incredible spirit, such an incredible curiosity, with whom it is never boring to conversate.

Never boring to hang out.

Never boring to live.

Once I told you that you are one of the most wonderful persons I have ever met. Back then I probably did so out of the wrong reasons – I had an idea it is something you want to hear. That similar compliments might make you change your mind.

Today, I can honestly say I mean it.

Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t know how to value something until you lose it. But, despite the final outcome, I will forever cherish the moments we shared. Some experiences will remain etched in my brain forever.

Furthermore, I would like to say I am sorry.

Sorry because I thought your “I consider you as a friend” meant “I consider you as a friend until I start considering you otherwise”. I didn’t know how to respect your boundaries. I felt entitled to your love because I was, like, “nice” toward you.

Sorry because I spent the whole period after your sentence trying to change your mind. I resorted to unclear sentences and manipulation. The best example is my invitation to a “date”. Instead of stating my desires clearly, I used some stupid bet and assumed you would figure out the rest. I am sorry for my dishonest, manipulative and untransparent behavior.

I am sorry I pretended everything is okay and then exploded with accusations. Only now can I see how confused and frustrated you must have felt – in one moment I am telling you there is nothing bothering me; in other I am passive-aggressive, angry and resentful.

I am sorry I couldn’t have controlled my emotions. Or rather, my actions resulting from these emotions. Fuck it, I was WAAAAAY TO MUUUCH in love. It inhibited my ability to think clearly. To judge clearly. To decide clearly.

The most obvious manifestation of my behavior is the decision to delete you from Facebook. I regret it deeply. Not because I think friendship on Facebook is worth anything. But because this act was the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.

Thanks to Captain Hindsight, I have realized only later how immature I was. It’s too bad time travel isn’t invented yet. I would return with my current knowledge. With my current state of mind.

And act more wisely.

Act with more consideration.

Act differently.

Alas, as Gibonni ¹¹ once said: “This was my school!” I am sorry the price for “my school” was very high – our friendship.

As you have probably realized, since I have started quoting Gibonni, we are getting close to the end.  I just want to say one last thing.

In this particular moment, I am not sure I will send this letter. For starters, I don’t know how, considering the brilliant decision regarding Facebook mentioned earlier.

Still, since you are holding it in your hands, you have probably realized I have found a way to send it.

I would like to make it clear I don’t expect a reply. I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated to answer it. In contrast to the past, this time I am really doing something without expecting anything in return.

For the very end, I just want you to know that, no matter what, I will always greet you joyfully.

I hope you are happy and content in your life. I wish you all the best!

Cover photo design by Helena Nemec. You can follow her on Instagram or Behance and see her complete portfolio.

1.     NEVER GIVE UP!

What it’s about?

You have all heard it.

You are doing something and it is not really going anywhere? Harden up, you wuss. All you got to do is believe in yourself. Just keep going. Never give up. Never surrender. Whether it is that famous Michael Jordan quote about missed shots, Sia’s song or a scene from Galaxy’s quest, the notion of not giving up is constantly being marketed to us.

There is a good reason for it – not giving up is a key to success. In the book Drive: Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, author Daniel Pink wrote that persistence and „grit“ are the most reliable predictors of success:

The best predictor of success, the researchers found, was the prospective cadets’ ratings on a noncognitive, nonphysical trait known as grit—defined as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.

Numerous examples of successful people show it is true. Michael Jordan. J.K.Rowling. Elon Musk. Oprah Winfrey. Stephen King. And many others.

Why you should never listen to it?

Like almost all generalized advice, it doesn’t tell you the whole story. It doesn’t tell you that being gritty and persevering is not the same as never giving up. It doesn’t tell you that there is a whole white difference between NEVER giving up and not giving up TOO EARLY.

The people mentioned above all have one thing in common – they eventually succeeded. But you never hear stories from the other side of the spectrum. What about all the people who didn’t make it? Who poured infinite amounts of time, money and energy into an endeavor that never really worked.

It is a bit easier to talk about missed shots with 6 rings in your pocket

It is easy to get carried away by such a simple and „inspiring“ concept. Not giving up no matter what sounds nice. But getting carried away is potentially very dangerous. It makes us detached from reality. Believing in yourself and never giving up ultimately makes you completely delusional. ⁽¹⁾The same goes for other variations of this notion, such as „Follow your passion“ and „The sky is the limit“

It is not how life works. We can’t just ignore real-life circumstances. If you are trying to write a book or invent „the next big thing“ while your wife has two jobs and works during the weekend and your children are starving, you are not a visionary.

You are an idiot. ⁽²⁾If you don’t believe me, please read this article from the pen of celebrated author and Executive Editor of Cracked.com, David Wong

What you should do instead?

I  first encountered someone doubting the „Never Give Up“ phrase during the read of Eric Barker’s life-changing book, Barking Up The Wrong Tree. The author devoted an entire chapter, aptly titled „Do Quitters Never Win and Winners Never Quit?“, exploring this question.

Barker introduces the concept of „strategic quitting“. It basically means „deciding which things are worth pursuing and which are not and maximizing your time spent pursuing them“. Although it sounds self-evident, it requires flexibility and thinking. It requires a healthy dose of introspection and the ability to check your priorities – which change throughout the years.

What if you don’t know what is worth quitting and what not? The author advises trying a lot of things and taking it from there:

Quit doesn’t have to be the opposite of grit. This is where strategic quitting comes in. Once you’ve found something you’re passionate about, quitting secondary things can be an advantage

[…]

If you don’t know what to be gritty at yet, you need to try lots of things – knowing you’ll quit most of them – to find the answer.

[…]

Use trying and quitting as a deliberate strategy to find out what is worth NOT quitting. You’re not being a total flake but someone who strategically tests the waters.

Put simply. Try a lot of things. See what works for you. Don’t hesitate to quit those that don’t.

Because we all need to quit sometimes.

2.     ALWAYS STAY POSITIVE!

What it’s about?

Throughout the history of the self-help industry, one idea keeps getting conveyed from one generation to another.

The Law of attraction.

The Law of attraction is the belief that our thinking influences what happens in our life. If we think positively, positive things are going to happen to us. Vice versa, if we focus on the negative, we are going to get beaten badly by life.

The recipe for improving our lives is obvious – always staying positive. Ignoring all negativity. It allows us to leverage the Law of attraction to our advantage. By focusing on the positive thoughts, we ensure only positive events occur in our life.

Which ultimately makes us happier.

Why you should never listen to it?

Because it is non-scientific bullshit. I mean, the very definition of the Law of attraction on the Wikipedia sounds absurd:

The belief is based on the idea that people and their thoughts are both made from pure energy, and that through the process of like energy attracting like energy a person can improve their own health, wealth, and personal relationships.

Historically, few self-help authors have tried to explain why exactly the Law of attraction works. Those who few HAVE tried haven’t bothered to improve Wikipedia’s definition significantly. For example, in her celebrated book The Secret, Rhonda Byrne „explains“ that The Universe is made of energy. Your mind emanates thoughts at a certain frequency that they resonate with the „energy“ of the Universe. ⁽³⁾Jesus, how can anyone believe in this crap?

Although most proponents of the Law of attraction swear all they want is to improve your life, most of them make significant amounts of money from their „teaching“. In Croatia, self-help guru and motivational speaker Ana Bučević recently gained a lot of recognition. Her philosophy is largely based on the Law of attraction. She even quotes The Secret as a major influence. ⁽⁴⁾No I am not going to link to Ana’s website. Nor to put an affiliate link to The Secret.  Please, please, please, never buy this book in your life

She has several income streams. She sells her books. She holds speeches. But most absurdly – as a service, she offers „positivity seminars“ where the participants go on a sailing tour.

The price? Not a big deal. 16 000 kunas. ⁽⁵⁾Approximately 2500 euros

Even if these self-help gurus earned money by advocating something that has zero effect, it would be ethically debatable. But the reality is even bleaker – their advice is often harmful. For example, in one of her videos, Ana Bučević advised a depressed person to stop using benzodiazepines. As psychologists pointed out in this article, due to strong side-effects, you can’t just stop using these strong narcotics – it is fraught with danger. The standard procedure is to prescribe some weaker drugs first. ⁽⁶⁾I guess she forgot that „small detail“.

In the long run, the Law of attraction can have a significant NEGATIVE impact on your life. In his fantastic article titled The Staggering Bullshit Of The Secret Mark Manson decimates the book (and the whole self-help industry). Among other things, he explains why the Law of attraction doesn’t quite work. ⁽⁷⁾I highly suggest reading the whole article. It is probably one of my favorite Mark Manson articles of all time Here are the main points:

• The Law of attraction is based on the old psychological concept known as „confirmation bias“ – the tendency of the human mind to notice and pay more attention to objects and experiences that reinforce our preexisting beliefs.
• Power of positivity advises us to go into extreme and become delusionally positive so your confirmation bias can kick in and shape our viewpoint.
• In the short run, this shift of perspective might be helpful. Especially for someone who is in a deep dark spot.
• But the problem is that, in the long run, ignoring negative outcomes negatively influences our decision making in every sphere of our life. It makes us less critical and rational.
• For example, in our relationships, we may completely ignore all the red flags because we are focusing only on the positive sides of our partner. In business, we may decide on a risky venture without consideration and justification. Just because „the Universe told us to go for it“.
• Research shows that engaging in positive thinking actually leads to poorer outcomes. Instead of visualizing the result you have to… you know… actually do something.
• You can’t just suppress negative thoughts. Research shows that it only makes it more likely for these thoughts to occur later in life.
• The same is true of negative emotions. Your anger, jealousy, sadness and anxiety all have a purpose. You can’t decide to feel awesome whenever you are feeling sad. You are not Barney Stinson, for Christ’s sake.

You do realize How I Met Your Mother is just like the Law of attraction. It is not real.

Long story short, the power of positive thinking is a recipe for disaster.

And for making some charlatan very rich in the process.

What you should do instead?

Let me make myself clear – I am not saying you should indulge in the negativity. Going into the extreme is harmful, no matter if we are talking about the positive or the negative side of the spectrum. From the afore-mentioned book Barking Up The Wrong Tree:

„Seligman found that when you shift your explanatory style from pessimistic to optimistic it makes you feel better and you become grittier.“

However, there is a huge difference between „shifting your explanatory style“. And ALWAYS being positive. You can’t just ignore all the negativity. The world is often a shitty place. Bad things do happen to everyone. I think the right solution is to search for the balance.

By trying to devoid your life of them, you are devoiding yourself of the right to feel and think as a human being.

3.     BUDGETING! YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE BUDGETING!

What it’s about?

Ahhh, budgeting! The holy grail of personal financing. It is one of the most common financial advice out there. If not THE most common.

Budgeting essentially means keeping track of your finances. Of how often you spend your money. How much money you spend. And what you spend your money on.

It revolves around writing down your expenses – even the smallest ones. The idea is that it will make you more financially responsible. More stable. It helps you become aware of how much money you spend on necessities and how much on „pleasure“. It helps you establish short-term and long-term goals. And fulfill them.

In short – budgeting is supposed to help you manage and save your money.

Why you should never listen to it?

Because I am afraid budgeting doesn’t really work.

I have tried it several times in my life. It would usually go like this. I’d create a spreadsheet in Excel. I’d happily write things down for a couple of days. Weeks, even! Then I would get tired. And irritated. And then gradually give it up.

I’d rather put my head into the oven than go through this process ever again

And I know I am not the only one. The big problem is that it’s extremely time-consuming. In the world where we all lack time, who wants to spend between 30 minutes and an hour today entering some dumb numbers in a Microsoft Office tool? ⁽⁸⁾What am I, an accountant? Heh, heh… heh?

It also makes you obsessed with money. You start freaking out whether you spend 1,01 or 1,03 dollars on a can of yogurt. It also makes you rigid. If you reached your daily budget and your friend invites you to grab a beer, do you really want to say no just because you have already spent too much?

In general, budgeting makes you think about money more often. And I don’t want to think about money the whole god damn time. I want to think about money as little as possible.

Ideally, I’d want to NOT think about money at all.

What should you do instead?

Now, I am not the first ⁽⁹⁾Nor the last opponent of budgeting. There are tons of „Say No To Budgeting And Do This Instead…“ articles out there. But for me, nothing comes close to Ramit Sethi’s advice from his bestselling book I Will Teach You To Be Rich. In the fourth chapter, he excessively criticizes budgeting and introduces the concept of Conscious Spending:

Create a budget!“ is the sort of worthless advice that personal-finance pundits feel good prescribing, yet when real people read about making a budget, their eyes glaze over faster than John Goodman’s lips at Krispy Kreme. Who wants to track their spending?

[…]

Forget budgeting. Instead, let’s create a Conscious Spending Plan. What if you could make sure you were saving and investing enough money each month, and then use the rest of your money guilt-free for whatever you want?

[…]

I want you to consciously decide what you’re going to spend on. No more „I guess I spent that much“ when you see your credit card statements. No. Conscious spending means you decide exactly where you’re going to spend your money – for going out, for saving, for investing, for rent – and you free yourself from feeling guilty about your spending

Conscious spending is just like strategic quitting – it revolves around prioritizing. It basically means spending on things you love in such a way that the costs align with your income. It involves a lot of thinking with your own head. YOU get to decide what is important to you.

It also involves not giving a fuck about what other people think. In the course of the chapter, Sethi quotes several studies that show how your environment affects how you spend our money. Conscious spending allows you to minimize that influence. If someone tells you to buy something you don’t really want to buy, conscious spending tells you it is okay not to buy it:

My friend „John“ spends more than $21,000 a year going out. „OMG, THAT’S SO MUCH #%#%#% MONEY!“, you might say.

[…]

John makes a healthy six-figure salary, so he’s been able to make a Conscious Spending Plan without much difficulty. But even he has to decide what he doesn’t want to spend on. For example, when his coworkers took a weekend trip to Europe from the United States, he politely passed.

[…]

The point here is that whether or not I agree with his choices, he’s thought about it. He sat down, considered what he wanted to spend on, and is executing that plan. He’s doing more than 99 percent of the young people I’ve talked to. If he had decided he wanted to spend $21,000/year on furry donkey costumes and Faberge eggs, that would have been great, too. At least he has a plan. ⁽¹⁰⁾Please note here: „Spending on what you want“ is not the same as „Ignoring other people who depend on you“. Conscious spending is not the same as taking the #YOLO attitude and giving in to your heart’s desires. That is just spending – the key difference lies in the word ‘Conscious’

As we see, conscious spending does involve a great deal of planning. It is a constant search for the balance between your salary, your fixed expenses and your costs. But at least the planning happens once in a while. In contrast to budgeting.

Where it happens once every minute.

4.     PLAY HARD TO GET!

What it’s about?

When we are in kindergarten, we never let our crush we like her. We argue with her, fight with her, pull her by the hair. We insult her and call her names. We display our affection by pretending we don’t care.

By playing hard to get.

As we go through life, the pattern doesn’t fade. We are constantly taught we should be playing hard to get. Girls are told they should „test“ the guy by telling him “no” when they really want to say „yes“. Men are thought they should be cool and uninterested and „manly“ and „wait for three days before sending the second message“.

Playing hard to get is common dating advice in Western cultures. Numerous articles, such as this one in the „Bible for females“ – Cosmopolitan, explains why playing hard to get works. Even a more serious website like Psychology Today mentions scientific studies that suggest it indeed works.

The idea is simple. It is well-known we humans value something that is rare. We value scarcity. When something is not available to us, we want it more. And we get attracted to it.

Irrespective of whether that is the new game from the GTA series. Or another human being.

Why you should never listen to it?

I know I have just said playing hard to get works. But I still think it is terrible advice you should never listen to.

The level of communication in our culture is low as it is. We all have trouble expressing our desires openly and honestly.  ⁽¹¹⁾I know this might come as a huge shock, but it includes the author of these lines This is especially true in the world of dating, where being open and vulnerable includes a certain risk. Imagine if you get rejected. What a shame. Oh, horror!

As a consequence, we all resort to „hints“ and other indirect forms of communication. When I asked my female friend out, I didn’t simply say: „Hey, I like you. Wanna go for a cup of coffee?“ I preferred to bet with her, with the stake being her going on a date with me. Except that she didn’t realize it was one.

Which underlies the main problem of playing hard to get. When we operate in such a fashion, we hide our true intentions from the other side. They constantly have to guess our thoughts. Which results in confusion and misunderstanding. A perfect example of this are various forms of the question: „I told him, NO, but I wanted him to push harder. Why he didn’t?“ that keep appearing on the website Quora.

Hey look, they are flirting

Another thing I don’t like with the whole „hard to get“ approach is pretending. Do you really have to PRETEND you are busy/unavailable? If you are intent on playing the scarcity card, isn’t it better to do so because you actually have interesting things going on in your life? To avoid deliberately manipulating people?

Instead of pretending you are hard to get, isn’t it better to…you know… actually BEING so?

What you should do instead?

Pretending you like her less than you do so that she’ll like you more than she says she does so you can then like her more than you say you do so she feels comfortable liking you back more than she says she does — I’m exhausted just writing about it.

~ Mark Manson, The Dismal State of Flirting in English Speaking Cultures

Stop playing hard to get. Cut the tiring crap. State your desires openly. Practice direct communication. Remember it is a skill that needs training. But you will never master it if you don’t even try.

If you don’t where to begin, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner and More Than Two: A Practical Guide To Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux are fantastic books about honest and direct communication, full of real-life examples and useful tips. You might also follow Franklin on Quora and read his answers. ⁽¹²⁾Answers such as this one. I have learned more about relationships and open communication from him than from all other people I met in my life combined

Also, if you have a copy of Cosmopolitan nearby – feel free to burn it.

5.     LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

What it’s about?

From Holywood movies to Romeo and Juliet, from Virgil quotes to Beatles songs, we are constantly taught that there is an ultimate solution to all our problems.

Love!

No matter how rough it gets, no matter how many problems you have with your partner, love helps you get through them. It helps you to survive. It makes you feel alive.

Because love conquers all!

Why you should never listen to it?

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

I bet you all know that one young couple that „fell in love“ in their early twenties. Who consumed their youthful love despite all the fighting and drama involved. Who went on to get married despite all the problems they faced through the years. Who started living together and even got kids.

Who are miserable and unhappy after 20 years of marriage.

I guess love doesn’t prevent poisoning. Btw, fun fact – Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet to mock the ideal of love. Somehow, his point got twisted throughout the centuries

There is no denying love is a key ingredient of every happy relationship. But as much it is necessary, it is not SUFFICIENT in itself. Other things, like compatibility, ability to communicate, ability to fight well, vulnerability, honesty.

You shouldn’t just ignore all the differences and problems and pursue someone just because you „fell for him“. Love is an emotional process. We can fall for someone we should have never fallen for in the first place. Even if you are a church-burning atheist, you can fall for a staunch Catholic. But no amount of love can make SUCH a relationship work.

It was doomed before it even begun.

What you should do instead?

In contrast to the popular notion that „opposites attract“, it is not quite the case. In most successful relationships, the partners have high compatibility. Especially regarding the „big things“ such as:

• Number of kids they want to have
• Where they want to live
• How they save, earn and spend their money
• Attitude toward sex and sexuality
• Type of relationship they want to be in (open, FBW, monogamy, polyamory…)
• Religious views
• Political orientation ⁽¹³⁾Note: It is, of course, possible to make a relationship work without high degree compatibility in important matters. But it is much more difficult

Think with your own head. Realize that the ideal of love marketed to us in the literature and culture has nothing to do with reality. Understand that relationships, apart from emotions, also require the use of the logical part of your brain.

Get to know thyself. Determine what traits and values are important to you in your partner. Know your non-negotiables. And stick to them when an opportunity for relationship appears.

No matter how much love is involved. Because as much as love is intoxicating. Exhilarating. Beautiful. Addictive. Priceless.

It is not enough. ⁽¹⁴⁾Yes, this part was inspired by the article Love Is Not Enough by my favorite, one and only  – Mark Manson

It doesn’t conquer all. ⁽¹⁵⁾Apart from Dushka Zapata, afore-mentioned Quora celebrity Franklin Veaux is also a fervent opponent of this myth

Last month, I have written an article in which I talked about shitty things we all do yet we never admit.  The main point was that doing shitty things is a part of being human. That we shouldn’t be so harsh when we are behaving imperfectly. That we could all do with less judgment and more forgiveness.

Toward ourselves.

What I forgot to mention, though, ⁽¹⁾Read: Intentionally omitted to make my point more transparent is that the article covered just one side of the story. Today, I have some good news! ⁽²⁾For a change. Since nothing in life is Black and White, neither are our habits. As much as we do shitty things all the time, we are also prone to exercising healthy habits.

Occasionally.

There is one problem!  Doing shitty things is easy. ⁽³⁾They are tightly connected to instant gratification. Developing healthy habits is difficult.  It requires effort. It requires courage. It requires discipline. But most importantly, it requires raising your awareness.

Most of the time, we are not even conscientious how healthy something we do is. Habits I am going to mention have been natural to us when we were young. But somehow, somewhere, we forgot about their importance.

And forgot to exercise them.

Of course, there is more to developing healthy habits than that. But I hope this post will serve as a reminder. A reminder that, even though we don’t really know what happiness is, it is not completely out of our reach. We need to start small.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s a list of healthy habits that make you (and those around you) happier:

Smile

“Children laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults on average…five times a day.”

~ James Altucher, Reinvent Yourself

Let’s start with a cliche. There is hardly a list of life-improvement tips on the Internet that doesn’t include smiling. Whether you are talking to your neighbor, shopping for groceries or playing an instrument in your room, get that curve on your face!

Why is it recommended so often?

Because smiling has a positive effect on the people around you. It is contagious. In a study conducted in 2002 in Sweden, researchers showed the subjects photos of people displaying several emotions. When the picture of someone smiling was displayed, researchers asked the subjects to frown. The results were fascinating – the subjects imitated the emotion displayed on the photo and smiled as well. ⁽⁴⁾Sonnby–Borgström, M. (2002), Automatic mimicry reactions as related to differences in emotional empathy. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 43: 433–443.

Even more importantly – smiling has a positive effect on ourselves. Studies suggest smiling reduces our blood pressure ⁽⁵⁾William B Strean: Laughter Prescription and stress levels. ⁽⁶⁾Grin and Bear It! Smiling Facilitates Stress Recovery It may even prolong our life ⁽⁷⁾Elizabeth Lawrence, Richard Rogers, Tim Wadsworth: Happiness and longevity in the United States. Apart from biological benefits, it also helps to cheer us up when we are sad. It makes us more optimistic.

It makes us happier.

To understand why that is so, let me introduce a psychological concept called the confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is a tendency to interpret information, events and experiences in a way that reinforce our preexisting beliefs. It is a selective approach toward the world around us. Put simply, it is seeing what you want to see and hear what you want to hear.

End of a relationship is a good example of confirmation bias in action. When we are in love with someone, we see only the good sides. After a break-up, we suddenly discover more and more quirks that bothered us. When our emotions are negative, our perception aligns and reinforces that perspective.

Finding reasons to smile is a try to leverage the confirmation bias to our advantage. The idea is to train our attention to find even more reasons to smile in the future. Even if it takes smiling when we are not up to smiling, or faking it until we make it.

The idea is sensible to an extent. But there are caveats. We need to be careful not to overdo things. We need to know very well when  “we are not up to smiling”.  Smiling to a cashier in the supermarket is sensible. Smiling at your mother’s funeral is, needless to say, horrible.

Exploiting the confirmation bias is the main idea behind the whole self-help industry and the positive psychology movement. When taken to the extreme, it can become incredibly harmful. Not only does it make us delusional; the suppression of negative feelings doesn’t make them go away. When they are not dealt with, they are likely to appear at the most inappropriate moment. They can lead to extreme anxiety and depression. ⁽⁸⁾For more details, I recommend a fantastic article by Mark Manson in which he decimated the bestseller book The Secret (and whole self-help industry): The Staggering Bullshit Of The Secret

Therefore, try to smile as often as you can. But don’t smile when you are completely not up for it. ⁽⁹⁾For more benefits of smiling, I suggest the following Psychology Today article: There’s Magic In Your Smile

Sing aloud

Until recently, there was a period where I wasn’t listening to music. Sure, there was always something playing in the background. But I didn’t listen actively. I didn’t research and discover new bands. I didn’t attend concerts.

Since I was big into music in high school, there was a big gap in my life. I felt like something is missing, but I didn’t know what. I needed to stumble upon Jared Dines Youtube channel to remind myself how much I love it!

Thanks to him, today I listen to music constantly. I listen to it at home. I listen to it at my workplace. I listen to it on the bus, in the car, in the airplane. I listen to it when I am walking. I listen to it on my bike. And I especially enjoy blasting it in my car. ⁽¹⁰⁾Yes, yes, I know. How irresponsible!

Very often, a song I am listening to „hits“ me. Either it has a rad guitar solo. Or a blasting drum beat.  Or its relatable and meaningful lyrics resonate with me.

So I sing them.

Sometimes I sing them in the safety of my room. But often I whisper or whistle them in public. What’s even worse,  I am so fond of some choruses, I can’t help myself – I sing them aloud no matter where I am. Or whom I am surrounded with. I even record it and post it on Instagram.

I know it is a bit weird. But it makes me happy. In general, ever since my „return“ to music, I have noticed an increase in my baselines happiness. I feel joyful and optimistic way more often.

It’s not just my personal experience – the fact that music has a profound effect on our emotional state has been confirmed by numerous studies. One showed that listening to positive music can boost our happiness. ⁽¹¹⁾Ferguson, Yuna & Sheldon, Kennon. (2013). Trying to be happier really can work: Two experimental studies. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 8. 23-33. 10.1080/17439760.2012.747000. Another study compared the deep breathing aspect of singing to an aerobic activity, giving the body more oxygen in the blood, which improves our overall mood by releasing endorphins. ⁽¹²⁾Stephen Clift, Grenville Hancox, Rosalia Staricoff, Christine Whitmore, Singing and Health: A Systematic Mapping and Review of Non-Clinical Research. But most importantly, science also suggests singing while driving can massively improve your well-being. ⁽¹³⁾I also refer the reader to the following article: The Surprising Psychological Benefits of Music

Who’s weird now?

So – no matter how bad your voice is – don’t hesitate to use it. ⁽¹⁴⁾Besides, it can’t be worse than mine. 2000 out of 10000 points in Evanescence: Bring Me Back To Life in Singstar: Rocks, babe It will improve your day. Yes, some people will think you are immature, but many will also share your joy.

Besides, who cares what people think about you anyway.

Stop giving a fuck about the opinion of others

When we are kids, we excel at cringing. We make a scene in the supermarket if we don’t get our favourite candy bar. We steal our favourite toy from the hand of that spoiled brat in the kindergarten. We walk naked on the beach and sprinkle water on elderly Germans with joy and delight. ⁽¹⁵⁾Seriously, parents, if your kid is 11 years old, get him swimming trunks Not once do we stop and ask ourselves: „Gee, if I do this, what will people say?“

As we grow older, things change. We start concerning ourselves what other people think.

„If I ask a question on a meeting, will my colleagues think I am stupid?“

„If I quit my job and pursue my passion, will my friends think I am a deadbeat?“

„If I sing in public, will people think I am a fool?“

I know you are thinking – but Vjeko, how is that going to improve my life? Is giving a fuck about what other people think such a bad thing?

Well – yes.

When we give a fuck about the opinion of others, we let them measure our self-worth using their yardsticks. And when others determine our self-worth, we will always feel worthless – it is impossible to live up to everybody’s standards. People who give a fuck about the opinion of the others don’t have a strong sense of self. Without which it is impossible to be completely happy.

It is not accidental that the TOP regret people had on their deathbeds was:

„I wish I had the courage to live the life I wanted to live, not the life people expected from me“.

Seriously – who cares what people think? A lot of them suck anyway. ⁽¹⁶⁾Please note: This is a bit simplistic – there are certain groups of people whose opinion is more relevant. If 100 strangers on the Internet call you an idiot you should ignore it. If 2 parents, 3 siblings and 5 closest friends do the same, perhaps you are indeed. For more on this hierarchy of people whose opinion matters and on the topic in general: Psychology Today – Caring What Other People Think I have long since decided my happiness is too important to me – even if chasing it means displeasing someone. Or god forbid, offending him. ⁽¹⁷⁾Let me make it clear once again  – this is valid as long as my happiness doesn’t include violating their rights or hurting them

As popular Quora writer Dushka Zapata once wrote ⁽¹⁸⁾Full answer and context: Dushka Zapata’s answer to: Have you ever swallowed something because you were too embarrassed or uncomfortable to spit it out?:

„Your well being first, social norms second!“

Spend time alone

During one of the sessions, my therapist ⁽¹⁹⁾Iva, if you are reading this – god bless you! asked me how much time per day I spend completely alone. Without smartphones. Without technology. Without music. Without a book. Without other people. Without distractions.

Completely alone.

I still remember how surprised I was when faced with that question? Per day? Completely alone? I am not sure I do something like that AT ALL. When she suggested I should sometimes take Vjeko to a date, I was immediately repulsed by the idea. Why would I? It is such a time waste. Just. Doing. Nothing. While I have to write. I have to train. I have to hang out. I have to…I must….

Only when I started practicing it did I realize how wise her advice was.

First of all, articles claim spending some time alone has enormous practical benefits. ⁽²⁰⁾For instance: 10 Benefits Of Spending Time Alone or 7 Ways Spending Time Alone Will Change Your Life It allows you to catch your breath, take a break from everyday life, recuperate, think and deal with your problems more efficiently. You relax, you become more creative, you regain your energy.

Many successful people spend some time alone on a regular basis. Immanuel Kant was famous for his strict routine that incorporated an extended walk through the same park every day. Bill Gates has „Think Weeks“ every year, during which family, friends and Microsoft employees are banned from contacting him.

Secondly, I permitted myself to stop and see whether I am okay with myself. How does Vjeko like spending time in Vjeko’s company? At first, it was difficult – I couldn’t last two minutes. I’d get restless. I’d get anxious. I’d have to find something to do instead.

With time it got better. The intervals increased. And peace descended. And as much the whole process was painful, it was a perfect self-evaluation tool. I realized I was not completely satisfied with who I was and what I did. I discovered the main reason for my lack of experience with relationships.

Because if I didn’t love spending time with myself, why did I think someone else would? ⁽²¹⁾In general, spending some time alone is a great lakmus to determine the quality of a relationship. It is surprising how many people are shocked by the very idea of having separate vacations. Yet – the happiest couples I know spend some time apart. Completely on their own

Shower

If you are not sure how to spend some time alone, you might start with – showering. It allows you to reach zen, to relax and to think about your life and its challenges. I am not exaggerating when I say more than 50% of my ideas, „jokes“, article outlines and solutions to life problems proliferate with the stream of water flowing down my back.

Besides, showering also allows you to eliminate your body odor. And as everybody who has ever had the misfortune to enter a chess playing hall during hot summer months ⁽²²⁾Legitimate candidates for the „Smelliest Place on Earth“ award knows, many people have serious difficulties with maintaining their personal hygiene.

Seriously, guys, soap and water haven’t yet killed anyone.

Write

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” 
― Anais Nin

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” 
~ Maya Angelou .

When we are kids, we all enjoy writing. Whether it is inventing a cool storyline for a new videogame or filling out our crush’s scrapbook, we all play with the words and scribble. With years, most of us forget all about it, since we have way more important things to do. Writing is boring anyway. Who would want to do it for a living? ⁽²³⁾I think our school system bears the responsibility, since written assignments we hand during our education are utter and complete trash that completely kills our motivation. But more about that in a subsequent article

I think it is a great pity. Writing is a useful skill in all areas of life. Whether you are an engineer bored to death with his job ⁽²⁴⁾Similarity with real-life persons and events is completely arbitrary preparing a new project or a lawyer filing a complaint, you need it.

It is surprising how many people underestimate the art of writing. It is one of those things that „anybody can do properly“. Yet, as William Zinser pointed out in his book, On Writing Well, even the driest text can come into life in the hands of a skilled artisan.

Writing is not only helpful in personal life. Numerous articles point out its benefits. ⁽²⁵⁾I won’t even give you the links –  google „Benefits of Writing“ and enjoy It helps you organize your thoughts. It turns you into a better storyteller. Your speech becomes more coherent and you become a better communicator.  Since our capability to remember things is limited, writing things down enhances your memory. It helps you keep track of your obligation. It helps you learn things. It improves your vocabulary. Your mastery of language.

But most importantly, writing improves your relationships. It is not surprising relationship books mention writing as a vital tool for communication. For instance, John Gottman’s The Relationship Cure suggests answering a long list of questions about your spouse/friend/sibling/parents. Finding out the answers afterward offers an opportunity to (re)connect and deepen our bond with someone.

Writing is also helpful because it helps you deal with your emotions more effectively. Many people have difficulty recognizing them in the first place, let alone expressing them correctly. ⁽²⁶⁾Which has a lot to do with the way we are all raised and taught to express our emotions in the first place. As usual, the culprits are parents It is especially true when we are arguing – in the heat of the moment we say or do things we regret. We fail to understand how could have we lost control in the first place. This is why journals are powerful – writing things down helps us to identify what happened. This knowledge leads to understanding. Understanding leads to changes.

An example from my own life. A couple of months ago, I had a serious argument with my mother. Harsh words were used, but, as usual in our household, nothing was really resolved. I was boiling in anger but I was also confused. I decided to heed advice from John Gray’s book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus ⁽²⁷⁾Which is a terrible book btw., based on overgeneralization and stereotypes about two sexes. But it doesn’t mean everything written inside sucks and to use the Love Letter Technique.

The effects were enormous. After understanding where I came from, the resentment was gone and the conflict was resolved. It was the first step toward improving our relationship. ⁽²⁸⁾But alas, not the last

Call a friend

Today, people are alienated and distanced from each other like never before. The modern way of life coupled with technological advances forces us all to focus more on the screen of our smartphone instead of the people around us. The era of individualism is in full swing.

People struggle with isolation and loneliness. In the study titled „Social Isolation in America: Changes in Core Discussion Networks over Two Decades“ ⁽²⁹⁾McPherson, Miller, et al. “Social Isolation in America: Changes in Core Discussion Networks over Two Decades” American Sociological Review, vol. 71, no. 3, 2006, pp. 353–375. JSTOR, JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/30038995 the authors found that in 1985 most people reported having three confidants in their lives. In 2004, the most common response was – zero. It is not surprising more and more people suffer from depression.

Some months ago, I found myself in a similar situation. I felt abandoned. I felt alone. I felt trapped. And I was inert as hell. I waited for the deus-ex-machina to come and resolve my situation.

But then, I decided to make a radical change. I’ve decided to call people on a regular basis.

NOT to message them on Facebook.

NOT to comment their story on Instagram.

NOT to send them a picture on Snapchat. ⁽³⁰⁾I don’t have Snapchat anyway. What do I look like, 12?.

Call. Them. Via. Phone.

It seemed oldfashioned. But the rewards I have reaped have been enormous. Whenever I call someone the conversation is always pleasant. The person on the other side of the phone is ALWAYS happy to answer. There is laughter. There is joy. There is optimism. There are emotions, fluctuations in the voice and awkward, cringeworthy pauses you can’t experience via a text message.

It is beautiful.

Therefore, instead of binge-watching yet another TV Show on Netflix, pick up the god damn phone. Call that friend you have been hesitating to call for months.

Future you will be thankful to you.

A couple of months ago, I drank myself to death.

It was quite devastating. We entered the club around 11 PM. By 12 PM, we have already shattered two bottles of vodka. By 1 AM I was lying on the couch in the club unconscious. By 2 AM, the Uber driver my friends called for me left me in front of my house. It was only the second time in my life I don’t remember how I returned home after a night out. ⁽¹⁾Fortunately, this time I did have my SHIRT on. Although I have apparently ripped it at some point

Even though it was not the most beautiful sight in the world, it was not extraordinary. I am not the first nor the last twenty-something who did this to himself. Although excessive drinking is not commendable, it happens to us all from time to time.

The only problem was – I wasn’t able to accept it. The next day I was not only hungover – I was full of anger and shame. How could have I done it to myself? My need to be perfect, to adhere to my own principles was killing me from the inside. I was borderline depressed until I sat down across my therapist. I will never forget her ironic smile before she sympathetically said:

„Dear me, Vjeko doesn’t permit Vjeko to do anything wrong, does he?“

We all do shitty things. It is a part of being human. We are not perfect, flawless robots. Making mistakes and fucking things up happens from time to time. It is normal.

What is not normal is behaving like Vjeko with hungover. Having a desperate need to be Mr. Perfect, Mr. Absolutely Moral, Mr. Principled all the time. Not allowing yourself to do any mistakes whatsoever. Not permitting yourself to do anything wrong. ⁽²⁾Note: I  am not including extreme mistakes like raping other people or driving drunk and killing someone. It is a philosophical issue I don’t want to address this time

We would all benefit if we admitted we all do shitty things from time to time. We would be able to forgive ourselves when we do them. We would be less judgmental toward other people. We would be able to forgive others when they do the same. We would get to know ourselves and accept we are flawed and imperfect human beings. Just like everybody else.

And maybe, just maybe – it might change our behaviour.

But okay, enough foreplay. Without further ado – here’s a list of shitty things we all do yet we never admit.

1.YOU THINK WHITE LIES ARE OKAY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

When I was young, whenever I didn’t want to go out with my friends, I would come up with some silly excuse. A table tennis practice suddenly moved three hours forward. An urgent homework I forgot to do earlier.  ⁽³⁾Like “urgent” and “elementary school homework” fit in the same sentence  A non-existing visit to a non-existing family.

It was easy to justify these white lies. A general consensus is they help us avoid hurt other people’s feelings. But it is well known general consensuses are often bullshit. There are several problems with white lies:

• White lies break the trust

In the story about the shepherd boy and the wolf, the boy falsely signals that the wolf is attacking the sheep. The whole village arrives and sees he is only pulling their legs. The third time, when the wolf actually appears, the boy makes the signal again. And nobody comes. Because nobody trusts a liar.  ⁽⁴⁾If you haven’t heard this story before, I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood

White lies are still lies. And most lies get discovered. When they do, they completely shatter the trust in someone.  And with it, the relationship as well.

• White lies lead to bigger lies

The problem with white lies is they create a moral reference in which lying is justified. Which inevitably leads to bigger lies. The guilt involved with the act of lying slowly wears off. After a while, the white liar is “hooked” to lying. Just like weaker drugs lead to stronger drugs, white lies lead to bigger lies.

• White lies are a vague form of communication

In the 21st century, we have become champions of indirect communication. We are afraid to express our opinion because someone might take it personally.  We are afraid to say we like someone so we resort to hints and manipulations instead. We are afraid to state the obvious so we use euphemisms and soft language instead.

White lies are another step in that direction. They are easy and they are vague. Even when not discovered, they leave the other side guessing. They leave the other side wanting to know what is really going on.

Girls using white lies to reject a coffee invitation is a good example. Instead of hurting the guy’s feelings, they often come up with some “I’m busy/I have to study” excuse. ⁽⁵⁾AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I HAVE HEARD More often than not, it creates confusion. Sometimes guys don’t take the hint and become obnoxious. Sometimes they take it too personally.

That’s why most guys prefer “I’m not interested” over white lies. They know where they stand.

Simple and direct language leads to clarity. Just like my friends preferred when I started saying I don’t want to go outside. They didn’t make a fuss. They didn’t get their feelings hurt.

Even if they did, it wouldn’t be my problem. Because other people’s feelings aren’t your responsibility.

• White liars are bad with responsibility

White liars are bad at dealing with responsibility. We just saw one aspect of the problem. Not hurting other people’s feelings assumes we are responsible for their feelings. While we are not. ⁽⁶⁾Note in passing there is a huuuuge difference between refusing the responsibility for other people’s feelings and not taking them into consideration whatsoever. We cover this topic in the next point

Another part of the problem is – we don’t make white lies because of others. We make it because of ourselves. White lying is selfish. White liars refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and their own decisions.

When I lied to my friends, I didn’t do it to preserve them of my words. I did it to preserve myself from their reaction. Even though I DECIDED not to go out with them, I avoided the responsibility for that decision.

 And that is not how adults behave.

2.YOU THINK BRUTAL HONESTY IS OKAY EVEN THOUGH YOU HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

In his book Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck ⁽⁷⁾A.K.A one of the books that changed my life, Mark Manson invented a curious anti-hero – Disappointment Panda. His superpower is telling people unpleasant truths about themselves they don’t want to hear. Things like: „Yeah, sure you are making a lot of money at your job, but you are completely ignoring your family and friends.“  As Mark himself describes it:

Disappointment Panda would be the hero that none of us would want but all of us would need.

So, you dream of becoming a writer? Open Matlab and get back to work, you puny human

In life, we often behave like Disappointment Panda. We tell other people truths that might hurt them. We call it being brutally honest and pride ourselves with it. Many people don’t see anything wrong with it. Shouldn’t we all strive toward honesty? Is it really my problem if someone can’t handle the truth? Why shouldn’t I be the one to say it?

Nobody denies the value and importance of truth. But, just like everything in life, honesty is not black and white. This is not the debate about honesty vs. dishonesty. This is a debate about different types of honesty. Brutal honesty is the bad type – honesty that disregards the other person. It ignores other person’s feelings and willingness to accept the truth. It is a display of cruelty and borderline hostility.

Just as white lies, it is easy to justify brutal honesty as something we do for the sake of others.

But the truth is – it is a narcissistic act.  Brutal honesty helps us feel good about ourselves at the expense of others. It is an opportunity to indulge in our self-righteousness. It is an opportunity to display how smart and omnipotent we are. It is an opportunity to project your insecurities onto others and tell them how to live their life. It is honesty that often begins (or ends) with the dreaded „no offense, I am just being honest!“ sentence.

Instead of being brutally honest, you might try honesty with compassion. Not only does it display your care about the other person, there is more chance he/she will actually hear what you are saying. I hope you can the difference between these two sentences:

Brutal honesty: „Man, you are such a lousy writer. Why do you keep blogging? You will never be able to make a living out of it!“

Honesty with compassion: „Yeah, I am not a big fan of your writing or the topics you are covering, but I can appreciate your efforts and the love you put into it. I am just worried a bit about the future. Do you have a plan B in case it doesn’t work out?”⁽⁸⁾Any reference to real life persons is completely arbitrary

Therefore, when you are being brutally honest with someone, you are not being an altruist.

You are being an asshole! ⁽⁹⁾If you are still not convinced, check this blog entry by one of my favourite Quora writers, Franklin Veaux: Some Thoughts on Radical Honesty or Honesty Without Compassion Is Cruelty. Or a Quora answer by yours truly

3. YOU GET JEALOUS OF YOUR FRIEND’S ACCOMPLISHMENTS

When I was younger, I’d get insanely jealous whenever one of my friends „scored“.

Afterward, I would feel bad. I would be angry, ashamed and worried at the same time. How can I be jealous? It is not what friends do. I am better than that. But crap, how can that bastard have everything I wanted to have.

The reasons for jealousy were my own issues. It had nothing to do with my friends and a lot to down with me. In general – we get jealous when we are not content with something in our life. As any teenage boy, I was very concerned about my sex – life and deeply unsatisfied with it. Being jealous was the way of dealing with this insecurity. ⁽¹⁰⁾This article elaborates more: 7 Reasons Why We Envy Our Friend And Vice Versa

It  took me a lot to realize jealousy is a natural condition deeply rooted in biology. Although we can reduce its intensity by improving our well-being, we can’t completely eliminate it. Since we are naturally wired for comparison, we are always going to feel jealous. It is stupid to feel ashamed about something we have no control over.

What we DO have control over is what we do with our jealousy. As usual, we may use our suffering to extract positive lessons. ⁽¹¹⁾Check this article for more info: How To Cope When You Are Envious Of Your Friend We may practice self-compassion. We may detect the real reason for our jealousy. We may use it as a motivation and try to improve ourselves. We may realize we are jealous of something that is not at all important of us. ⁽¹²⁾It is not easy to do so. A good therapist might help. Only after one year of meticulous and painful sessions do I have I managed to embrace my sexual insecurities. And to reduce my envy

Alas, more often than not, we may cause it to do something stupid and shitty. Something like sabotaging your best friend’s romantic chances by thrashing him behind his back. ⁽¹³⁾Man, if you are reading this, I don’t know what to say apart from I am deeply sorry

Also known as gossiping.

4.YOU GOSSIP

I can hear you.

I can hear you talking about how your boss screwed you up and how he is a total asshole.

I can hear you talking about Sally and John’s relationship and how she is way too good for him.

I can hear you talking about how Mark treats Martha badly and how his kids are spoilt because he is such a lousy father.

I know – we all do it. We all gossip. We all talk behind the backs of our colleagues, our acquaintances, our friends and even our family members. Many people don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Hell, a number of articles claim gossiping is actually good for us.⁽¹⁴⁾For instance: Gossiping Is Good For You or Gossip Is Good or Why Gossiping is Not All Bad

I am not convinced, though. Just because we all do it, just because gossiping has become customary, it doesn’t mean it is healthy. What these articles fail to recognize, what most of us fail to recognize, is that there are different ways in which we can talk about others. And that gossiping is the worst of them all.

When talking about others, our intentions and the tone are the keys. The emotions we convey behind the words. We can talk about others in a very positive tone. We can admire them, find them inspiring, worry for them or simply be happy for them.

Gossiping is never positive. Gossiping is tightly connected to envy. We don’t do it because we care for others. We do it because we care for ourselves. We do it because we want to solve our insecurities by hurting other people. We make ourselves feel better by putting other people down. When they are not even there to defend themselves.

I agree that the difference between talking about others and gossiping is not always clear. That is why we often cross it. When in doubt, a following rule of thumb helps: Would I say something about someone if the person I am talking about was there? If the answer is anything but a resolute: „Fuck yes!“, then you should probably refrain from saying it.

Just like with brutal honesty – gossiping doesn’t necessarily need to be untrue ⁽¹⁵⁾Although it often is. But just like brutal honesty – it doesn’t really help anyone. It is a form of indirect communication that doesn’t resolve anything.

If you have the urge to talk about someone in a negative fashion, why don’t you tell it to that very person instead?

5. YOU PICK YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE IS WATCHING

Plot twist: they do. They even see you pulling the „treasure“ out and rubbing it on the wall. Or the floor. Or your mom’s furniture. And it is groce. Please stop doing it. And carry a handkerchief.

6. YOU CHECK YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA WAY TOO OFTEN

I don’t get it.

I don’t get it what the fuck is so important it can’t wait for 30 seconds? Kim Kardashians’ new Facebook photo? Your crush’s Instagram story? Donald’s Trump most recent tweet? Why on Earth do you have the need to check your god damn smartphone everywhere? In the supermarket, while you are driving, even when you are having a coffee with your friends or dinner with your date. Are you really going to miss all that much if you are not connected at any given point in time? Can’t you delay your gratification for just a bit?

The reason I got so angry is that the „you“ in the sentences above is really „me“. I am becoming more and more aware of the effect of the social media and smartphones have on me. Apart from making me anti-social and dangerous for the environment ⁽¹⁶⁾Seriously, people, put the phones away while you are driving, I am most afraid of the effect technology has on my brain.

I can feel my attention span is reducing on a daily basis. I have trouble reading longer articles. I have trouble writing a single paragraph without alt-tabbing. Hell, I can’t even take a crap any longer without solving some chess tactics on my Samsung Galaxy A8.

The scary thing is this is not incidental – technology can indeed shape our brains. In the brilliant book Shallows: What The Internet Is Doing To Our Brain ⁽¹⁷⁾A 2011 Pulitzer Prize Finalist the author Nicholas Carr devotes an entire chapter describing the neuroplasticity of the brain. In a series of experiments on monkeys, neuroscientist Michael Merzenich has discovered that the structure of the adult brain is not fixed – it has the ability to undergo rapid and extensive restructuring. This is true of all neural circuits – whether they’re involved in feeling, seeing, hearing, moving, thinking or perceiving.

Our mental activity can also alter your neural circuitry. It means that when you are checking your social media, you are altering your brain. You are creating a shitty habit that is going to stick, which will, in turn, lead to even more social media checking in the future. This vicious circle can be interrupted, but with every subsequent iteration, it gets more difficult.

What is there to do?

In his book Deep Work, the author Cal Newport offers multiple tips that help you deal with technology and reach the state of „flow“. His advice can be summed up as: unplug yourself. Instead of trying to fight the distractions, he basically suggests removing them instead. Sometimes in a radical fashion like quitting social media, locking yourself up in your office and creating extended periods of „deep work“.

The advice is not revolutionary, but we often forget its significance. I have decided to adopt it before I started writing this article, I installed ColdTurkey for the first time and used it to block a number of websites. I put my smartphones out of sight, I closed myself in my room to avoid talking to my family. ⁽¹⁸⁾This last step was somehow the easiest and most natural I can’t remember when was I focused this much.

Therefore, next time you are having a coffee with your friends, don’t just put your phone on the table and pretend you have enough control to resist the temptation.

Move it the fuck away.

Talk to strangers? Nah, I’ll rather read that click-bait article

8.YOU WRITE CLICKBAIT TITLES FOR YOUR BLOG POSTS IN HOPE OF ATTRACTING INNOCENT VISITORS

And no, the title was not even my own idea.

Sue me!

9.YOU STALK PEOPLE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN WAY TOO MUCH

Look, there is nothing wrong with checking someone’s facebook in order to see how he usually looks like. To get the general impression about the person. To get a basic idea who are you dealing with.

However, if you find yourself going through someone’s pictures from 2009,  browsing through the third page of the google search including his/her name or adding him/her on LinkedIn before actually meeting in person, you might have a problem.

First of all, you are robbing yourself of the joy of getting to know someone in person. Of discovering his joys and dreams. His passions and fears. Reading about someone is dull and boring, hearing about someone from his own perspective, observing his emotions and body language and listening to the tone of his voice is exciting and thrilling.

More importantly, when you are stalking, you are immediately forming an opinion about a person. Everybody knows the first impression is often wrong, especially the one formed on the basis of the limited information. While stalking, you are immediately judging a person’s online image, not the person itself.

Also, you might be considered as a creep if you accidentally slip you know something you have no business knowing.

Don’t do it, man!

10.YOU COUNT YOUR LIKES ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND TRACK EXACTLY WHO PRESSED THE BUTTON

Whenever I post a facebook post/Quora answer/Instagram story, I follow its impact. I follow the number of likes, the composition of likes and the names of the persons who pressed the button. I analyze the significance and importance of every individual like. If there is someone I am interested in, I interpret the existence of like as an open invitation to sex, and the lack of it as the end of the world.

Okay, I am maybe exaggerating a bit, but it is not far from the truth. I enjoy people mocking me for it. I also kinda hate myself for doing it. It is utterly ridiculous and narcissistic. It’s like I am 15-years-old again. It has a negative effect on my happiness. Either I am getting way too little likes and am therefore unhappy. Or I get a sufficient amount of likes and realize Facebook likes don’t really matter.

Not to mention I get offended if someone comments against me WITHOUT liking the content. But at least getting offended in the 21st century is easier than ever before.

11.YOU GET OFFENDED BECAUSE A RANDOM GUY ON INTERNET SKIPPED A NUMBER ON HIS LIST

I bet none of you realized I skipped a number earlier on this list.

I bet you are all scrolling up now in order to check it.

I bet you have all realized it by now and are now cursing the author because who the fuck he thinks he is to pull such immature and cheeky jokes that waste your time.

I bet you are now very angry and offended.

Just like you get offended by when someone makes a comment you disagree with.

Or when someone disagrees with a comment you make.

Or when someone makes a joke you think isn’t funny.

Or writes a swear word in his blog post.

Or calls you fuckface in it.

This is one of the main problems of the Internet nowadays. We live in the age of outrage. People are discovering new ways of getting offended on a daily basis. The Internet allowed us to display our narcissistic tendencies and we started taking everything very very personally. Dealing with this narcissism, holding a brake over our keyboard is one of the most important challenges technology poses us with.

“Wait, why you only put green lasers? Aren’t red lasers also worthy?”

Therefore, let me clarify: I am not writing this for you. Or writing about you. I am writing this for myself. So if you are offended because you don’t like my writing, or by my swearing, or the fact you recognized yourself on this list, there is only one thing to say.

Get the fuck over it!

Fuckface!