A couple of months ago, I drank myself to death.

It was quite devastating. We entered the club around 11 PM. By 12 PM, we have already shattered two bottles of vodka. By 1 AM I was lying on the couch in the club unconscious. By 2 AM, the Uber driver my friends called for me left me in front of my house. It was only the second time in my life I don’t remember how I returned home after a night out. ⁽¹⁾Fortunately, this time I did have my SHIRT on. Although I have apparently ripped it at some point

Even though it was not the most beautiful sight in the world, it was not extraordinary. I am not the first nor the last twenty-something who did this to himself. Although excessive drinking is not commendable, it happens to us all from time to time.

The only problem was – I wasn’t able to accept it. The next day I was not only hungover – I was full of anger and shame. How could have I done it to myself? My need to be perfect, to adhere to my own principles was killing me from the inside. I was borderline depressed until I sat down across my therapist. I will never forget her ironic smile before she sympathetically said:

„Dear me, Vjeko doesn’t permit Vjeko to do anything wrong, does he?“

We all do shitty things. It is a part of being human. We are not perfect, flawless robots. Making mistakes and fucking things up happens from time to time. It is normal.

What is not normal is behaving like Vjeko with hungover. Having a desperate need to be Mr. Perfect, Mr. Absolutely Moral, Mr. Principled all the time. Not allowing yourself to do any mistakes whatsoever. Not permitting yourself to do anything wrong. ⁽²⁾Note: I  am not including extreme mistakes like raping other people or driving drunk and killing someone. It is a philosophical issue I don’t want to address this time

We would all benefit if we admitted we all do shitty things from time to time. We would be able to forgive ourselves when we do them. We would be less judgmental toward other people. We would be able to forgive others when they do the same. We would get to know ourselves and accept we are flawed and imperfect human beings. Just like everybody else.

And maybe, just maybe – it might change our behaviour.

But okay, enough foreplay. Without further ado – here’s a list of shitty things we all do yet we never admit.

1.YOU THINK WHITE LIES ARE OKAY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

When I was young, whenever I didn’t want to go out with my friends, I would come up with some silly excuse. A table tennis practice suddenly moved three hours forward. An urgent homework I forgot to do earlier.  ⁽³⁾Like “urgent” and “elementary school homework” fit in the same sentence  A non-existing visit to a non-existing family.

It was easy to justify these white lies. A general consensus is they help us avoid hurt other people’s feelings. But it is well known general consensuses are often bullshit. There are several problems with white lies:

• White lies break the trust

In the story about the shepherd boy and the wolf, the boy falsely signals that the wolf is attacking the sheep. The whole village arrives and sees he is only pulling their legs. The third time, when the wolf actually appears, the boy makes the signal again. And nobody comes. Because nobody trusts a liar.  ⁽⁴⁾If you haven’t heard this story before, I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood

White lies are still lies. And most lies get discovered. When they do, they completely shatter the trust in someone.  And with it, the relationship as well.

• White lies lead to bigger lies

The problem with white lies is they create a moral reference in which lying is justified. Which inevitably leads to bigger lies. The guilt involved with the act of lying slowly wears off. After a while, the white liar is “hooked” to lying. Just like weaker drugs lead to stronger drugs, white lies lead to bigger lies.

• White lies are a vague form of communication

In the 21st century, we have become champions of indirect communication. We are afraid to express our opinion because someone might take it personally.  We are afraid to say we like someone so we resort to hints and manipulations instead. We are afraid to state the obvious so we use euphemisms and soft language instead.

White lies are another step in that direction. They are easy and they are vague. Even when not discovered, they leave the other side guessing. They leave the other side wanting to know what is really going on.

Girls using white lies to reject a coffee invitation is a good example. Instead of hurting the guy’s feelings, they often come up with some “I’m busy/I have to study” excuse. ⁽⁵⁾AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I HAVE HEARD More often than not, it creates confusion. Sometimes guys don’t take the hint and become obnoxious. Sometimes they take it too personally.

That’s why most guys prefer “I’m not interested” over white lies. They know where they stand.

Simple and direct language leads to clarity. Just like my friends preferred when I started saying I don’t want to go outside. They didn’t make a fuss. They didn’t get their feelings hurt.

Even if they did, it wouldn’t be my problem. Because other people’s feelings aren’t your responsibility.

• White liars are bad with responsibility

White liars are bad at dealing with responsibility. We just saw one aspect of the problem. Not hurting other people’s feelings assumes we are responsible for their feelings. While we are not. ⁽⁶⁾Note in passing there is a huuuuge difference between refusing the responsibility for other people’s feelings and not taking them into consideration whatsoever. We cover this topic in the next point

Another part of the problem is – we don’t make white lies because of others. We make it because of ourselves. White lying is selfish. White liars refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and their own decisions.

When I lied to my friends, I didn’t do it to preserve them of my words. I did it to preserve myself from their reaction. Even though I DECIDED not to go out with them, I avoided the responsibility for that decision.

 And that is not how adults behave.

2.YOU THINK BRUTAL HONESTY IS OKAY EVEN THOUGH YOU HURT OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

In his book Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck ⁽⁷⁾A.K.A one of the books that changed my life, Mark Manson invented a curious anti-hero – Disappointment Panda. His superpower is telling people unpleasant truths about themselves they don’t want to hear. Things like: „Yeah, sure you are making a lot of money at your job, but you are completely ignoring your family and friends.“  As Mark himself describes it:

Disappointment Panda would be the hero that none of us would want but all of us would need.

So, you dream of becoming a writer? Open Matlab and get back to work, you puny human

In life, we often behave like Disappointment Panda. We tell other people truths that might hurt them. We call it being brutally honest and pride ourselves with it. Many people don’t see anything wrong with it. Shouldn’t we all strive toward honesty? Is it really my problem if someone can’t handle the truth? Why shouldn’t I be the one to say it?

Nobody denies the value and importance of truth. But, just like everything in life, honesty is not black and white. This is not the debate about honesty vs. dishonesty. This is a debate about different types of honesty. Brutal honesty is the bad type – honesty that disregards the other person. It ignores other person’s feelings and willingness to accept the truth. It is a display of cruelty and borderline hostility.

Just as white lies, it is easy to justify brutal honesty as something we do for the sake of others.

But the truth is – it is a narcissistic act.  Brutal honesty helps us feel good about ourselves at the expense of others. It is an opportunity to indulge in our self-righteousness. It is an opportunity to display how smart and omnipotent we are. It is an opportunity to project your insecurities onto others and tell them how to live their life. It is honesty that often begins (or ends) with the dreaded „no offense, I am just being honest!“ sentence.

Instead of being brutally honest, you might try honesty with compassion. Not only does it display your care about the other person, there is more chance he/she will actually hear what you are saying. I hope you can the difference between these two sentences:

Brutal honesty: „Man, you are such a lousy writer. Why do you keep blogging? You will never be able to make a living out of it!“

Honesty with compassion: „Yeah, I am not a big fan of your writing or the topics you are covering, but I can appreciate your efforts and the love you put into it. I am just worried a bit about the future. Do you have a plan B in case it doesn’t work out?”⁽⁸⁾Any reference to real life persons is completely arbitrary

Therefore, when you are being brutally honest with someone, you are not being an altruist.

You are being an asshole! ⁽⁹⁾If you are still not convinced, check this blog entry by one of my favourite Quora writers, Franklin Veaux: Some Thoughts on Radical Honesty or Honesty Without Compassion Is Cruelty. Or a Quora answer by yours truly

3. YOU GET JEALOUS OF YOUR FRIEND’S ACCOMPLISHMENTS

When I was younger, I’d get insanely jealous whenever one of my friends „scored“.

Afterward, I would feel bad. I would be angry, ashamed and worried at the same time. How can I be jealous? It is not what friends do. I am better than that. But crap, how can that bastard have everything I wanted to have.

The reasons for jealousy were my own issues. It had nothing to do with my friends and a lot to down with me. In general – we get jealous when we are not content with something in our life. As any teenage boy, I was very concerned about my sex – life and deeply unsatisfied with it. Being jealous was the way of dealing with this insecurity. ⁽¹⁰⁾This article elaborates more: 7 Reasons Why We Envy Our Friend And Vice Versa

It  took me a lot to realize jealousy is a natural condition deeply rooted in biology. Although we can reduce its intensity by improving our well-being, we can’t completely eliminate it. Since we are naturally wired for comparison, we are always going to feel jealous. It is stupid to feel ashamed about something we have no control over.

What we DO have control over is what we do with our jealousy. As usual, we may use our suffering to extract positive lessons. ⁽¹¹⁾Check this article for more info: How To Cope When You Are Envious Of Your Friend We may practice self-compassion. We may detect the real reason for our jealousy. We may use it as a motivation and try to improve ourselves. We may realize we are jealous of something that is not at all important of us. ⁽¹²⁾It is not easy to do so. A good therapist might help. Only after one year of meticulous and painful sessions do I have I managed to embrace my sexual insecurities. And to reduce my envy

Alas, more often than not, we may cause it to do something stupid and shitty. Something like sabotaging your best friend’s romantic chances by thrashing him behind his back. ⁽¹³⁾Man, if you are reading this, I don’t know what to say apart from I am deeply sorry

Also known as gossiping.

4.YOU GOSSIP

I can hear you.

I can hear you talking about how your boss screwed you up and how he is a total asshole.

I can hear you talking about Sally and John’s relationship and how she is way too good for him.

I can hear you talking about how Mark treats Martha badly and how his kids are spoilt because he is such a lousy father.

I know – we all do it. We all gossip. We all talk behind the backs of our colleagues, our acquaintances, our friends and even our family members. Many people don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Hell, a number of articles claim gossiping is actually good for us.⁽¹⁴⁾For instance: Gossiping Is Good For You or Gossip Is Good or Why Gossiping is Not All Bad

I am not convinced, though. Just because we all do it, just because gossiping has become customary, it doesn’t mean it is healthy. What these articles fail to recognize, what most of us fail to recognize, is that there are different ways in which we can talk about others. And that gossiping is the worst of them all.

When talking about others, our intentions and the tone are the keys. The emotions we convey behind the words. We can talk about others in a very positive tone. We can admire them, find them inspiring, worry for them or simply be happy for them.

Gossiping is never positive. Gossiping is tightly connected to envy. We don’t do it because we care for others. We do it because we care for ourselves. We do it because we want to solve our insecurities by hurting other people. We make ourselves feel better by putting other people down. When they are not even there to defend themselves.

I agree that the difference between talking about others and gossiping is not always clear. That is why we often cross it. When in doubt, a following rule of thumb helps: Would I say something about someone if the person I am talking about was there? If the answer is anything but a resolute: „Fuck yes!“, then you should probably refrain from saying it.

Just like with brutal honesty – gossiping doesn’t necessarily need to be untrue ⁽¹⁵⁾Although it often is. But just like brutal honesty – it doesn’t really help anyone. It is a form of indirect communication that doesn’t resolve anything.

If you have the urge to talk about someone in a negative fashion, why don’t you tell it to that very person instead?

5. YOU PICK YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE IS WATCHING

Plot twist: they do. They even see you pulling the „treasure“ out and rubbing it on the wall. Or the floor. Or your mom’s furniture. And it is groce. Please stop doing it. And carry a handkerchief.

6. YOU CHECK YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA WAY TOO OFTEN

I don’t get it.

I don’t get it what the fuck is so important it can’t wait for 30 seconds? Kim Kardashians’ new Facebook photo? Your crush’s Instagram story? Donald’s Trump most recent tweet? Why on Earth do you have the need to check your god damn smartphone everywhere? In the supermarket, while you are driving, even when you are having a coffee with your friends or dinner with your date. Are you really going to miss all that much if you are not connected at any given point in time? Can’t you delay your gratification for just a bit?

The reason I got so angry is that the „you“ in the sentences above is really „me“. I am becoming more and more aware of the effect of the social media and smartphones have on me. Apart from making me anti-social and dangerous for the environment ⁽¹⁶⁾Seriously, people, put the phones away while you are driving, I am most afraid of the effect technology has on my brain.

I can feel my attention span is reducing on a daily basis. I have trouble reading longer articles. I have trouble writing a single paragraph without alt-tabbing. Hell, I can’t even take a crap any longer without solving some chess tactics on my Samsung Galaxy A8.

The scary thing is this is not incidental – technology can indeed shape our brains. In the brilliant book Shallows: What The Internet Is Doing To Our Brain ⁽¹⁷⁾A 2011 Pulitzer Prize Finalist the author Nicholas Carr devotes an entire chapter describing the neuroplasticity of the brain. In a series of experiments on monkeys, neuroscientist Michael Merzenich has discovered that the structure of the adult brain is not fixed – it has the ability to undergo rapid and extensive restructuring. This is true of all neural circuits – whether they’re involved in feeling, seeing, hearing, moving, thinking or perceiving.

Our mental activity can also alter your neural circuitry. It means that when you are checking your social media, you are altering your brain. You are creating a shitty habit that is going to stick, which will, in turn, lead to even more social media checking in the future. This vicious circle can be interrupted, but with every subsequent iteration, it gets more difficult.

What is there to do?

In his book Deep Work, the author Cal Newport offers multiple tips that help you deal with technology and reach the state of „flow“. His advice can be summed up as: unplug yourself. Instead of trying to fight the distractions, he basically suggests removing them instead. Sometimes in a radical fashion like quitting social media, locking yourself up in your office and creating extended periods of „deep work“.

The advice is not revolutionary, but we often forget its significance. I have decided to adopt it before I started writing this article, I installed ColdTurkey for the first time and used it to block a number of websites. I put my smartphones out of sight, I closed myself in my room to avoid talking to my family. ⁽¹⁸⁾This last step was somehow the easiest and most natural I can’t remember when was I focused this much.

Therefore, next time you are having a coffee with your friends, don’t just put your phone on the table and pretend you have enough control to resist the temptation.

Move it the fuck away.

Talk to strangers? Nah, I’ll rather read that click-bait article

8.YOU WRITE CLICKBAIT TITLES FOR YOUR BLOG POSTS IN HOPE OF ATTRACTING INNOCENT VISITORS

And no, the title was not even my own idea.

Sue me!

9.YOU STALK PEOPLE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN WAY TOO MUCH

Look, there is nothing wrong with checking someone’s facebook in order to see how he usually looks like. To get the general impression about the person. To get a basic idea who are you dealing with.

However, if you find yourself going through someone’s pictures from 2009,  browsing through the third page of the google search including his/her name or adding him/her on LinkedIn before actually meeting in person, you might have a problem.

First of all, you are robbing yourself of the joy of getting to know someone in person. Of discovering his joys and dreams. His passions and fears. Reading about someone is dull and boring, hearing about someone from his own perspective, observing his emotions and body language and listening to the tone of his voice is exciting and thrilling.

More importantly, when you are stalking, you are immediately forming an opinion about a person. Everybody knows the first impression is often wrong, especially the one formed on the basis of the limited information. While stalking, you are immediately judging a person’s online image, not the person itself.

Also, you might be considered as a creep if you accidentally slip you know something you have no business knowing.

Don’t do it, man!

10.YOU COUNT YOUR LIKES ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND TRACK EXACTLY WHO PRESSED THE BUTTON

Whenever I post a facebook post/Quora answer/Instagram story, I follow its impact. I follow the number of likes, the composition of likes and the names of the persons who pressed the button. I analyze the significance and importance of every individual like. If there is someone I am interested in, I interpret the existence of like as an open invitation to sex, and the lack of it as the end of the world.

Okay, I am maybe exaggerating a bit, but it is not far from the truth. I enjoy people mocking me for it. I also kinda hate myself for doing it. It is utterly ridiculous and narcissistic. It’s like I am 15-years-old again. It has a negative effect on my happiness. Either I am getting way too little likes and am therefore unhappy. Or I get a sufficient amount of likes and realize Facebook likes don’t really matter.

Not to mention I get offended if someone comments against me WITHOUT liking the content. But at least getting offended in the 21st century is easier than ever before.

11.YOU GET OFFENDED BECAUSE A RANDOM GUY ON INTERNET SKIPPED A NUMBER ON HIS LIST

I bet none of you realized I skipped a number earlier on this list.

I bet you are all scrolling up now in order to check it.

I bet you have all realized it by now and are now cursing the author because who the fuck he thinks he is to pull such immature and cheeky jokes that waste your time.

I bet you are now very angry and offended.

Just like you get offended by when someone makes a comment you disagree with.

Or when someone disagrees with a comment you make.

Or when someone makes a joke you think isn’t funny.

Or writes a swear word in his blog post.

Or calls you fuckface in it.

This is one of the main problems of the Internet nowadays. We live in the age of outrage. People are discovering new ways of getting offended on a daily basis. The Internet allowed us to display our narcissistic tendencies and we started taking everything very very personally. Dealing with this narcissism, holding a brake over our keyboard is one of the most important challenges technology poses us with.

“Wait, why you only put green lasers? Aren’t red lasers also worthy?”

Therefore, let me clarify: I am not writing this for you. Or writing about you. I am writing this for myself. So if you are offended because you don’t like my writing, or by my swearing, or the fact you recognized yourself on this list, there is only one thing to say.

Get the fuck over it!

Fuckface!

THE MARSHMALLOW EXPERIMENT

Throughout the 1960s, Walter Mischel led more than 600 children, one by one, into a room with nothing but a chair and table in it, and gave them a marshmallow. He then left the room for 15-20 minutes, but told the children beforehand if they don’t eat the marshmallow while he is gone, they will get another one upon his return.

No, Mischel was not a perverted sexual predator, but a brilliant psychology professor at the University of Stanford. ⁽¹⁾Cynics would say one doesn’t necessarily exclude the another, but as you all know, this blog is a cynicism-free zone! In the series of experiments which would later become known as Stanford Marshmallow Experiments, Mischel investigated the matters of self-control and willpower. He wondered whether the children are able to delay their gratification for the sake of future gains.

The experiments showed they are. Only one-third of the children ate the marshmallow immediately. Another third hesitated for a while, but then succumbed. And the last third managed to delay their gratification for the entire 15-20 minute period – which must have seemed almost like an eternity for a child who had something sweet in front of his eyes.

Now, Mischel wasn’t interested in the very nature of willpower. Back in the day, it was assumed willpower is a predetermined trait.  ⁽²⁾As we will see later in the article, that is not quite true What Mischel WAS interested in were the methods that helped the children to resist. As he himself said in a recent interview: ⁽³⁾Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/09/what-the-marshmallow-test-really-teaches-about-self-control/380673/

„[…] we were studying the kinds of things that kids did naturally to make self-control easier or harder for them. Four-year-olds can be brilliantly imaginative about distracting themselves, turning their toes into piano keyboards, singing little songs, exploring their nasal orifices.“

You see, Mischel assumed the very same cognitive processes used by children to delay their gratification are used by adults in face of adversity:

„The most interesting thing, I think, about the studies is not the correlations that the press picks up, but that the marshmallow studies became the basis for testing all kinds of adults and how adults deal with difficult emotions that are very hard to distance yourself from, like heartbreak or grief.“

Also, Mischel wanted to find out whether a child’s age has anything to do with the ability to delay the gratification. As the studies showed, the correlation was quite significant – the older the child, the longer it took him, on average, to give up and eat the marshmallow.

In the 1970s Mischel published his findings ⁽⁴⁾For instance, see: Mischel, W., & Ebbesen, E. B. (1970). Attention in delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 16(2), 329-337 and Mischel, W., Ebbesen, E. B., & Raskoff Zeiss, A. (1972). Cognitive and attentional mechanisms in delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 21(2), 204-218  – and suddenly, that was it! The kids went home, he continued his professional life and everybody lived happily ever after. Although the results of Marshmallow Test were important, there were by no means revolutionary. There was no stir in the scientific community, no headlines in the newspapers and no viral posts on fantastic Internet blogs. ⁽⁵⁾Is it just me, or you have heard this joke before. I mean, „joke“

Mischel and marshmallows would have probably never become famous, were it not for the series of follow-up studies conducted by Mischel almost 20 years later.

THE POWER OF DELAYED GRATIFICATION

Mischel’s three daughters, together with a number of their friends, were also the Marshmallow experiment subjects. Throughout the 1970s, mostly during the occasional dinner conversations, Mischel would often ask them about their friends. About how they are doing in their lives. ⁽⁶⁾Apparently, good parents take interest in their children’s lives! So stop watching that fucking football game and ask your kid about his/her day. Yes, I know it is World Championship, but you can’t tell me Uruguay – Egipt match is more interesting than your own child! He began to notice that kids who were able to delay their gratification did very good in the academic environment.

In order to convince himself that is not just a coincidence, in 1981 he sent surveys to the teachers, parents and academic advisors of the original study subjects. He asked them to evaluate a broad variety of traits, like the ability to plan, to think ahead, to cope with the problems, etc. He even asked for their SAT scores.

Approximately one third answered the surveys. Mischel analyzed them. And the rest is history –the results he obtained were earth-shattering.  One follow-up study concluded that children who were able to wait longer are ‘more academically and socially competent, verbally fluent, rational, attentive, planful, and able to deal well with frustration and stress’.  ⁽⁷⁾Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Peake, P. K. (1988). The nature of adolescent competencies predicted by preschool delay of gratification. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54(4), 687–696 Another two stated they ‘developed into more cognitively and socially competent adolescents, achieving higher scholastic performance and coping better with frustration and stress’. ⁽⁸⁾Mischel W, Shoda Y, Rodriguez MI. Delay of gratification in children. Science. 1989 May 26;244(4907):933-8. Review. PubMed PMID: 2658056. and Shoda, Yuichi & Mischel, Walter & K. Peake, Philip. (1990). Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies From Preschool Delay of Gratification: Identifying Diagnostic Conditions. Developmental Psychology. 26. 978-986. 10.1037/0012-1649.26.6.978.  Other psychologists also conducted similar studies and showed childhood delay of gratification ‘predicts physical health, substance dependence, personal finances and criminal offending outcomes.’  ⁽⁹⁾Moffitt TE, Arseneault L, Belsky D, Dickson N, Hancox RJ, Harrington H, Houts R, Poulton R, Roberts BW, Ross S, Sears MR, Thomson WM, Caspi A. A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety. Proc Natl AcadSci U S A. 2011 Feb 15;108(7):2693-8. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1010076108. Epub 2011 Jan24. PubMed PMID: 21262822; PubMed Central PMCID: PMC3041102. It is even correlated with mental health – children being able to delay the gratification suffered from fewer mental illnesses, such as depression. ⁽¹⁰⁾Mischel W, Ayduk O, Berman MG, Casey BJ, Gotlib IH, Jonides J, Kross E, Teslovich T, Wilson NL, Zayas V, Shoda Y. ‘Willpower’ over the life span: decomposing self-regulation. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2011 Apr;6(2):252-6. doi : 10.1093/scan/nsq081. Epub 2010 Sep 19.

Thus, Mischel discovered that children’s ability to delay gratification is highly correlated with his/her overall well-being achieved later in life. ⁽¹¹⁾Okay, to be completely honest, this is not completely true. There is an ongoing discussion about the validity of Mischel’s studies and his conclusions as a whole. Some critics claim the sample was too small, some critics claim the environment wasn’t controlled, some critics claim the sample consisted only of rich children whose background was a greater predictor of later success than the actual delay of gratification. One study that tried to replicate Mischel’s experiment didn’t quite get the same results: Tyler W. Watts, Greg J. Duncan, and Haonan Quan, Revisiting the Marshmallow Test: A Conceptual Replication Investigating Links Between Early Delay of Gratification and Later Outcomes, Psychological Science, First Published May 25, 2018. It is above the paygrade of the author of these lines to determine who is right and who is wrong. For those of you who are interested, I have provided links to a number of articles that criticize the Marshmallow Experiment at the end of this post. For the sake of this article we have taken the stand that, even if the correlation between gratitude delay and well-being is not as high as Mischel thought, it is definitely existent. Mischel himself addressed a number of issues regarding the Marshmallow Experiment in his recent book The Marshmallow Test: Why Self-Control Is The Engine Of Success. When asked why he decided to publish the book so many years after the actual test, he said: „There have been so many misunderstandings about what the Marshmallow Test does and doesn’t do, what the lessons are to take from it, that I thought I might as well write about this rather than have arguments in the newspapers“

Now that we have established it, a natural question arises. Is there any way of becoming better at delaying our gratification? How does one do it? How does one get better at delaying his gratification?

HOW TO GET BETTER AT DELAYED GRATIFICATION

In 2013, a group of psychologists from the University of Rochester decided to repeat the Marshmallow experiment with one significant difference.  ⁽¹²⁾Celeste Kidd, Holly Palmeri, Richard N. Aslin, Rational snacking: Young children’s decision-making on the marshmallow task is moderated by beliefs about environmental reliability, Cognition, Volume 126, Issue 1, 2013, Pages 109-114, ISSN 0010-0277

They divided the children in two groups:

• The first group was exposed to a set of unreliable experiences. They didn’t get the promised reward after the tests and very quickly refused to trust the researcher.
• The second group was exposed to a set of reliable experiences and found the researcher trustworthy.

As expected, the second group was able to delay its gratification for much longer. The child’s ability to delay gratification was not a predetermined trait – it was affected by the experiences and environment surrounding them. And it happened almost instantly – only one unreliable/reliable experience was enough to significantly alter the actions of a child in one direction or another.

The results of this study are consistent with other findings regarding willpower and self-control. In 1998, psychologist Roy Baumeister discovered that the more people were forced to exert willpower, the worse they were at actually doing it. He discovered that willpower is finite and can be drained. He called this phenomenon ‘ego-depletion’. ⁽¹³⁾Baumeister, R.F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M. & Tice, D.M. (1998), Ego depletion: is the active self a limited resource?, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74 (5), 1252

But the good news is – the basic level of our ability to delay our gratification can be increased. As much as the willpower can be drained, its loss can be slowed and it can be replenished.

Think of something mundane as making your bed. When you were a child, doing it was probably a drag. You weren’t able to delay the gratification of doing literally anything else, which led to a number of arguments with your parents, especially your mother. ⁽¹⁴⁾Every similarity with real life persons and events is completely arbitrary However, over the years, you have probably managed to make your bed thousands (or at least hundreds) of times.

This is why willpower is often compared to a muscle. After many repetitions, making the bed isn’t such a huge problem –  it becomes a habit. It doesn’t drain your willpower any longer. Making the bad isn’t an issue of willpower. It doesn’t require a delay of gratification any longer.

And this is precisely the way of improving our ability to delay gratification. Developing habits over the extended period of time is what leads to a greater level of willpower. Developing habits is the key to self-control.

But how does one set about establishing habits? A lot has been written on the matter and it is beyond the scope of this article to dwelve into the matter too deeply. Let us describe a couple of important ingredients of habit building:

• Start small

When starting a new habit, people get overenthusiastic and set the bar at the heights which aren’t sustainable. A person who starts going to the gym will hit the gym five times a week during the first couple of months. As a result, willpower will be drained very quickly and the person will start feeling burnt out. Sooner or later, this will lead to lack of motivation and breaking of the habit.

You wouldn’t go to a gym and try to break the world record in weight-lifting on your first day. Don’t do the same with the willpower. Remember – it is a muscle. And muscles have to been trained properly!

• Focus on the process

We have all heard the old „It’s all about the journey, not about destination“ cliche. In the context of habit building, this cliche is very relevant. Way too often, people decide to exercise habit with a specific goal in mind, like running one marathon or losing 20 pounds. ⁽¹⁵⁾See: any New Year’s Eve Resolution ever

What happens is that A) The goal is overambitious and people give up or B) The goal has been achieved, but what next? The outcome is the same – breaking of the habit.

Therefore, it is much better to focus on something process related – love for exercise, hanging out with people at the gym, becoming healthier in general, etc.

• Forgive yourself

Very often, during the habit-building period, people are too harsh toward themselves. A person who wants to give up cigarettes and smokes one on a Saturday night might kick him/herself for giving in to the temptation. This guilt is counterproductive

Realizing that you are human permitting yourself to fuck up here and there is a much better approach.

• Control the environment

Research about habits shows that the most effective way of developing a new habit is to focus on the routines, the triggers that lead to a certain behaviour.

For instance, it is well known that smokers often light a cigarette when drinking a coffee, during a break at work or after sex.

A person wishing to quit smoking should focus on these pre-cigarette rituals. Not having a cigarette/lighter in the vicinity during these rituals helps to eliminate the behavior associated with them.  ⁽¹⁶⁾Ideally, you’d wish to stop these rituals completely, but I think you will all agree it might not be the best approach here. The key to developing habits is the control of the environment.

And in the 21st century, it is getting increasingly difficult to do so.

B-B-B-B-BUT WHAT DOES FACEBOOK HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

In 2009, Facebook introduced a revolutionary new feature – the ‘Like’ button – and screwed our generation for decades to come.

Out of nowhere our every action, our every Facebook status, our every comment became something measurable. A subject of evaluation. A subject of a judgment of other people.

And since we humans are especially sensitive when it comes to approval of others, the mechanism behind the ‘Like’ button introduced a whole set of challenges connected with the gratification of delay. We humans are wired to seek validation, and Facebook has allowed us to do so instantly, in front of a broader audience.

And the problem is that instant gratification, just like in many other areas, has grave consequences.

Allow me to share my experience. I am pretty much aware I am definitely one of the ‘victims’ of the social media. Whenever I post something, I always keep track of the number of likes on Facebook. The number of upvotes on Quora. A number of views on the Instagram story.

And although I am aware I am behaving like a total narcissist, although I know how silly it is, although I am very much ashamed whenever I refresh my social media feed to see if someone new has validated me, I can’t help it. I laugh at this habit, I mock myself, I know I am behaving stupidly and irrationally.

Yet I still do it.

However, the biggest problem is that the number of likes doesn’t actually make me happy. Waiting for likes is a lose-lose situation  – if they don’t come it is a disaster and if they come, the dopamine rush lasts very shortly. Instant gratification is actually very brief. Instant gratification is fleeting gratification.

In a way, it is like an addiction. In the book Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life, the authors have written that:

 „People who overuse technology display many of the same qualities associated with alcohol and drug addiction. A person receives a psychological jolt or reward (or anxiety reduction) for repeatedly checking social media, email, texts, or whatever it is the he or she engages with digitally. When the sensation or relief has passed, the person has a need for another “hit,” and the “addictive” cycle begins.“

And although social media are the most obvious example, instant gratification is more difficult to resist in other areas of life as well. Modern times are full of challenges related to instant gratification. Many problems in life are connected with the increasing need for having everything AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Instant gratification is degrading the overall quality of our life. Expecting instant gratification refers to long-term career growth, making relationships work and achieving goals. Expecting instant gratification initially and not getting it can make you impatient and give up on your dreams.

For instance, many people are not satisfied with their jobs not because their jobs objectively suck, but because they have unrealistic expectations. The first sign of discomfort and they try finding something new. Something better. ⁽¹⁷⁾Hypocrite alert! Hypocrite alert! But I will be fair – I actually think this lack of patience is one of the reasons my quarter-life crisis is alive and kicking

It is not surprising there are so many „get-rich-quick-schemes“ nowadays. I mean, there are so many millionaires younger than 25, what are you doing with your life? A big group of people became rich only because they promise to make others rich. Who wants to, like, invest and make financial plans when you can have it all now?

It is not surprising that divorce rates are plummeting. The approach to relationships is very much based on instant gratification nowadays. Fewer people are willing to put in work, willing to compromise, willing to delay their gratification. Many people don’t focus on the long-term value of the relationship. Many people approach the relationship in a transactional way: ‘I have a need, I want it fulfilled, the other people are unable to do so at the moment, time to move on.’

This impulsiveness is how kids approach life. Which brings me to the final part of the article.

DELAYING OUR GRATIFICATION LEADS TO ADULTHOOD

When you think of it, Mischel’s work is just another example of a scientific study confirming something all of us intuitively know. We encounter the positive side-effect of gratification delay in our own lives on a daily basis. For example:

• We would very much like to skip going to the gym today, but we delay our gratification because we know we will feel good afterward
• We would very much like to eat a box of chocolate, but we delay our gratification because the summer is coming and we don’t have a six-pack
• We would very much like to play computer games now instead of working on this article, but we delay our gratification because we know we often use computer games as an escape from obligations and not as a source of fun

Now, although the children in the Marshmallow experiment were able to delay their gratification, they were able to do so PRIMARILY because of external factors (they got rewarded!). We, on the other hand, are able to take the CONSEQUENCES into account and act on the basis of the EVALUATION of these consequences. Understanding that immediate pleasure has its price, being guided by a certain set of VALUES and higher-level PRINCIPLES and considering the ‘bigger picture’ while making our decisions are characteristics of true adulthood.

And it has nothing to do with the actual age of the person.

For instance, just the other day a guy in Zadar beat his ex-girlfriend because she ‘behaved conspicuously’. He was unable to control his impulses, unable to delay the gratification of pleasure that beating other people gives him. He is definitely not an adult. ⁽¹⁸⁾Source: https://www.jutarnji.hr/vijesti/crna-kronika/tko-je-nasilnik-koji-je-prebio-djevojku-u-zadarskom-kaficu-darka-kovacevica-u-zadru-znaju-skoro-svi-ali-nitko-o-njemu-nema-niti-jednu-lijepu-rijec/7500885/

Similarly, a person with a drinking problem who can’t delay his gratification and decides to grab the bottle is definitely not an adult.

A person with strong sexual urge who can’t delay his/her gratification and thinks the best way of fulfilling his/her sexual desires is molesting others in real life, or even online, is definitely not adult.

Thus, delaying gratification is one of the most notable stages between maturity and immaturity. Between being a dysfunctional, impulsive prick and being a healthy person. Between being a child and being a true adult.

I think this is incredibly important. Therefore, allow me to repeat this definition once again, loudly and clearly, with a bolded and caps-locked sentence in the middle of the screen:

MATURITY IS LEARNING TO DELAY YOUR GRATIFICATION, TO EXERCISE THE RIGHT CHOICE DUE TO A SET OF HIGHER-LEVEL PRINCIPLES AND ABSTRACT VALUES

⁽¹⁹⁾Naturally, this is a vast simplification. Please bear in mind most of the things I write on this blog are simplified models of incredibly complex phenomena. It is impossible to accurately define adulthood in a single sentence. Developmental psychologists like Jean Piaget, Lawrence Kohlberg and Robert Kegan have dedicated their lives to this subject. If you are interested in a simplified wrap-up of their theories, I can’t recommend Mark Manson’s article –  How To Grow The Fuck Up: A Guide To Humans highly enough. It may be the very best he has ever written

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

GRATIFICATION, SELF-CONTROL, MARSHMALLOW EXPERIMENT

Walter Mischel – The Marshmallow Test: Why Self-Control Is The Engine Of Success

Thoughtcatalog: The Problem With Instant Gratification

James Clear: Delayed Gratification

whatispsychology: Deferred Gratification Stanford Marshmallow Experiment

NewYorker: Don’t

Psychologytoday: 10 Reasons We Rush Immediate Gratification

Mark Manson: Habits

INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND SOCIAL MEDIA

Elitedaily: Instant Gratification

Magazine.nd.edu: Gotta Have It Right Now

Theisthmus: Instant Gratification And The Snapchat Generation

Huffingtonpost: The Era Of Instant Gratification

 CRITICISM OF THE MARSHMALLOW STUDY

thedailybeast: Just Let Them Eat The Marshmallow

Vox: Marshmallow Test Replication Mischel Psychology

nytimes: We Didn’t Eat The Marshmallow The Marshmallow Ate Us

Slate: The Marshmallow Study Revisited

The Atlantic: Why Rich Kids Are So Good At Marshmallow Test

Billie Bob Harrell Jr. had been struggling with his life for quite some time.

For almost two decades, he had had trouble providing for his wife and his three children. Unable to find a stable and well-payed job, they kept moving from house to house, from country to country, desperately chasing the American Dream, desperately searching for safety and stability.

The crisis reached its peak at the beginning of the 1990s. After a successful decade at Gulf Printing inc., during which he worked his way up to shop manager, the company suddenly shut down at the beginning of the 1990s. Billie was forced to take a low-payed job at The Home Depot. The economic situation even forced his wife, Barbara Jean, into the workforce, which further aggravated Billie’s feeling of worth.

Since he had always been a very religious man ⁽¹⁾He met his wife during a Christmas party in church back in 1972. Source – houstonpress.com: Billie Bob’s (Mis) Fortune, he was desperately hoping for deus ex machina in form of a winning lottery ticket. According to his son Billie Bob III:

„He thought about it all the time. More than anything else, he fantasized about quitting his job.“

And amazingly enough, the God Allmighty decided to listen to his prayers ⁽²⁾I know this might ENRAGE religious readers, but I was under the impression that the Big Bearded Guy doesn’t always do so On June 28, 1997, a regular dance of the Lotto balls in front of the television cameras produced the numbers 3, 11, 16, 28, 40, 44. The same numbers Harrell circled on his lottery ticket earlier that day.

Although it took him a whole day to actually realize it, Harrell eventually found out he has won a 31 million jackpot. He immediately started solving his problems and fulfilling his dreams. He bought a wonderful ranch for his family to move to. He immediately took them to vacation to Hawaii. He was finally able to give back to the community – he bought cars and houses to his friends and his family. He gave 10% of his initial 1.2 million check to Calvary Tabernacle Pentecostal, the church in Trinity. For Christmas, he even purchased 480 turkeys for needy families. In an initial couple of months, it seemed like everything was falling into place.

Except that it wasn’t!

The life of the Harrell family altered beyond recognition. The number of people explaining their dire situations and seeking Billie’s paycheck was increasing on a daily basis. People pestered the family so often, they virtually became prisoners of their own home. Various hedge funds and financial companies gathered like vultures and relentlessly tried to get Billie to sell his future lottery installments for a lump sum of money. Although these deals were highly unfavorable for Harrells, Billie eventually gave in and signed on with the Stone Street Company for a quick stream of cash. ⁽³⁾Really surprising when you consider the nature and the ethics of financial companies

These drastic changes further aggravated already existing tensions between Billie and Barbara. The final nail in their marriage’s coffin came in the form of a young pharmacist who worked in a drug store where Billie got his blood pressure medicine. Very soon after the start of this affair, just a couple of months after the lottery win, Barbara filed for divorce.

The end of the marriage had a devastating effect on Billie’s mental state. He became moody and outright depressed. He desperately tried to reconcile with his ex-wife, but Barbara would have none of that. Finally, on May 22, 1998, less than a year after the life-changing event that made him rich, Billie borrowed the keys from his daughter, entered Barbara’s house and pulled the trigger on his Winchester 37 shotgun.

As it transpired later, shortly before his suicide, he told his financial adviser that:

„Winning the lottery is the worst thing that ever happened to me.“

Now, Billie Bob Harrell Jr. is definitely not the only lottery winner whose life ended tragically. But it is no less shocking nevertheless. How is this huge discrepancy between his expectations beforehand and the sad reality afterward possible? How is it possible something he thought would make him incredibly happy ultimately made him deeply unhappy? Hell, how is it possible something EVERYONE thought would make him incredibly happy ultimately made him deeply unhappy? Well, there is only one explanation.

We don’t really know what happiness is.

MYTHS ABOUT HAPPINESS

Human happiness is one of the most researched topics in the history. Philosophers have been trying to figure out the answer to the question regarding what makes people happy for the last 2000 years or so. ⁽⁴⁾Which is, needless to say, a heck of a long time. So don’t get overly upset if you don’t get it on your first try Throughout the last century, scientists have decided to join their ranks and produced a number of scientific articles on the theme of happiness.  ⁽⁵⁾A number of them decided to dedicate their entire career to the scientific study of happiness. You might remember Ruut van Veenhoven from a previous article, for instance

Yet, despite everything we have learned, despite everything we know, it turns out that, just as Jon Snow, we still know nothing. Scientific studies have shown that we humans are terrible judges of what makes us happy. ⁽⁶⁾Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2005). Affective forecasting knowing what to want. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(3), 131–134 It is hard to pinpoint a single factor that causes this error in judgment. However, part of the problem definitely lies in the common definition of happiness.

The common definition which propagates a number of happiness myths from one generation to another.

• Myth number 1 – We excel at predicting what will make us happy

Although the lottery winners are the most drastic example, and the money is only one variable in the happiness equation, to an extent, we repeat Billie’s mistakes on a daily basis.

The mistakes and the reasons behind them are the central concepts of a fantastic book Stumbling Onto Happiness, written by bestseller author and psychologist Dan Gilbert. ⁽⁷⁾One of the authors of the aforementioned study and another scientist who devoted his life to the scientific study of happiness

One of the most remarkable examples of the entire book is a study Gilbert conducted together with T.D. Wilson and J.Meyers in 2003. ⁽⁸⁾Wilson, T. D., Meyers, J., & Gilbert, D. T. (2003). “How happy was I, anyway?” A retrospective impact bias. Social Cognition, 21(6), 421–446 Before the 2000 presidential election, the psychologists asked the supporters of the two candidates (Bush and Gore) to predict how happy/unhappy they expect to be if their candidate won/lost.

Then, a month after the election, they asked the same people how happy/unhappy they feel about the outcome. Bush supporters reported feeling less happy then they expected, whereas Gore supporters reported feeling less unhappy then they expected.

But the real shocker and the key point of the study was discovered five months after the election. The psychologists asked the supporters how happy/unhappy they remember being. Bush supporters remembered they were happier a month after the election than they actually were, whereas Gore supporters remember being unhappier than they actually were.

Gilbert uses a number of similar examples to emphasize how much we humans suck when trying to predict things that make us happy, or how much certain things make us happy. ⁽⁹⁾For a general impression about Gilbert’s work and philosophy, you might want to watch his extremely popular TedTalk. For more information about Stumbling Onto Happiness, you might consider the review of the book on the website metapsychology, or the one on the website enotes In the book, Gilbert describes four main errors in judgment we most often commit while trying to measure/predict happiness:

• Subjectivity

Using the example of Lori and Reba, conjoined twins who refused a splitting operation, Gilbert explains how the perception of the happiness is highly subjective and why the immortal „The Children in India can’t be happy because they don’t know better“ is invalid precisely because of the children’s ignorance:

„What we can say is that all claims of happiness are claims from someone’s point of view – from the perspective of a single human being whose unique collection of past experiences serves as a context, a lens, a background for her evaluation of her current experience.“

• Realism

One of the central arguments of Gilbert’s book is that our imagination can’t be trusted. In the chapter about realism, he describes how, when imagining future, we fill in the blanks and unknowns with details we think to be accurate. Details constructed despite the serious lack of data. Details that often turn out to be wrong.

For instance, when imagining his future, Billie Bob Harrell imagined only the good sides, like being rich and being able to help others. His imagination either failed to consider or decided to misinterpret the downsides of being a lottery winner, which ultimately led to his doom.

• Presentism

Another drawback of our imagination is presentism – the tendency to remember the past or predict the future on the basis of the present. Billie Bob Harrell’s main concern in the 1990s were monetary issues. It is not surprising he thought everything would be solved if he were only able to lay his hands on a certain amount of cash.

Presentism is quite easy to detect in our own lives as well. For instance, if you have had a terrible day at the office during which your boss yelled at you and your friends invite you to the cinema, chances are you will not quite be in the mood for the movie. ⁽¹⁰⁾Every similarity with real-life persons and events is completely accidental Naturally, your prediction of the future will be greatly affected by your present mood and it will have nothing to do with the movie itself.  ⁽¹¹⁾Unless that movie is the new Spiderman in which Peter Parker is 15 years old… Seriously, Marvel, what the fuck?

• Rationalization

Finally, if we are bad at predicting the actual course of future events, we are even worse at predicting our feelings regarding these events. We think bad events will make us feel worse than they actually do. We fail to consider our tendency to adapt to the new circumstances.

On the other hand, we also think good events will make us feel much better than they actually do.  In the process, we overestimate the importance of our goals, our dreams and of the future events we anticipate will make us happy. Way too often we focus on accomplishing those goals and dreams. Which brings us to another common misconception about happiness.

• Myth number 2 – The Paradox of Happiness

In the era of capitalism and materialism, many people think happiness is something one should strive to achieve. The perception that happiness is attainable is ingrained deeply in our culture, in our belief system. The American Dream promotes the algorithmic approach to achieving happiness. Accomplish goal X – become happy. Start your own business – be happy. Become a millionaire – be happy.

Take of the modern marketing methods as an example. The idea that happiness can be achieved is the basis for the majority of ads nowadays. Buy X and be happy. Learn Y and be happy. Get Snickers and beee haaaaapy.  ⁽¹²⁾Mark Manson actually described this phenomenon excellently in his e-book about happiness and in the post How Your Insecurity Is Bought And Sold.  Btw, you didn’t really think I could write an article without mentioning my favourite blogger, did you? #Marknation

Now, it would be false to claim that pursuit of the happiness doesn’t bring any results whatsoever. For instance, during my education, I never learned for the sake of learning – getting a grade was the whole point.  I would lie if I claimed I didn’t feel happy whenever I scored an A on an exam. The problem was this happiness was usually very temporary and followed by an even longer period of even greater unhappiness.

And it would appear this psychological process isn’t restricted solely to the academic world. In his fantastic book High Price Of Materialism, psychologist Tim Kasser has written the following:

“When materialistic individuals are successful at meeting their goals (they get an A, they make a million dollars, etc.), they experience positive feelings about themselves and their accomplishments. Such positive feelings tend to be short-lived, however, and the sense of worth is fairly unstable, as new challenges and threats quickly arise that can easily deflate their self-esteem.[…] These results suggest that in their day-to-day experience, people with strong materialistic values focus on rewards rather than fun, interest, and challenge. This is notable in their work, relationships, and leisure activities. Such an attitude sabotages feelings of flow and intrinsic motivation, as people have fewer experiences conducive to the free expression of their own interests and thus less fulfillment of their needs for autonomy and authenticity.”.

The psychology professor at the University of Kansas, Ben Eggleston, has written something similar.   In one of his publications, he coined the term paradox of happiness and described it as:

„ […] the puzzling but apparently inescapable fact that regarding happiness as the sole ultimately valuable end or objective, and acting accordingly, often results in less happiness than results from regarding other goods as ultimately valuable (and acting accordingly)“

Finally, Viktor E. Frankl, a man who survived Auschwitz, had something to say about this topic as well. In his classic book, Man’s Search For Meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust:

“But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to “be happy.” Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically. As we see, a human being is not one in pursuit of happiness but rather in search of a reason to become happy[…]”

It would appear Frankl himself did find reasons to “be happy”. However, his path toward them was extremely difficult and definitely not easy. Which brings us to the following myth.

• MYTH NUMBER 3: HAPPINESS SHOULD BE EASY

In a study conducted by S. Parker and T. Roberts, ⁽¹³⁾Parker Schiffer, L & Roberts, Tomi-Ann. (2017). The paradox of happiness: Why are we not doing what we know makes us happy?. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 13. 1-8. 10.1080/17439760.2017.1279209 participants were asked to rate activities in three main categories: How enjoyable an activity is, How much effort does it take to initiate the activity and how often do they engage in these activities. A half of activities were considered as „active“ (e.g. cooking, journaling, exercise), while the other half was considered as „passive“ (e.g. checking social media, watching TV, surfing the Internet).

Although the participants were aware that „active“ activities supported long-term happiness better than „passive“ ones. However, the majority of participants reported indulging in passive activities way more often. Apparently, the effort required to initiate the activity proved to be an insurmountable obstacle. ⁽¹⁴⁾This might seem contradictory with an earlier claim that we can’t really predict what makes us happy. However, Gilbert’s research revolved more about events and less about our habits and activities. Besides, predicting whether playing video games or exercising will make us happier is not a difficult task.

As the authors of the study explained:

„Csikszentmihalyi has argued that passive leisure can be pleasing and healthy when people use it as a restorative homeostatic activity; using it strategically in order to refuel and recalibrate to then return refreshed to flow activities. However, when people engage in passive leisure exclusively, thinking that ‘relaxing’ is the key to happiness, they run the risk of becoming complacent. Stagnation and complacency are characterized by shying away from complexities and adversity; people become overly secure in routine, and assume success in all facets of life. In other words, passive leisure can provide pleasure to help maintain the body and give us a sense of feeling relaxed and restored, but alone it cannot facilitate growth or lasting happiness“

The results of the study scientifically prove something everyone knows on the subconscious level. As the old adage says: No pain, no gain. Running a marathon makes us happier than obliterating a Big Mac Menu. Yet, most of us prefer to visit the local McDonalds instead of the athletic track on a regular basis. ⁽¹⁵⁾Naturally, I have deliberately chosen two extremes to make a point here. The difference in effort between activities is usually not so pronounced

Apart from the fact we are all lazy motherfuckers, ⁽¹⁶⁾Okay, I admit, this guy called Elon might be an exception another reason why people often choose the easy path is tightly connected with pleasure. More often than not, pleasure is not really difficult to achieve. And waaaaay too many people believe pleasure is the factor X that is going to make them happy.

Which leads us to the final myth about happiness.

• Myth Number 4: PLEASURE LEADS TO HAPPINESS

If you ask an average person how he defines happiness, there are big chances he will answer with the something from the domain of pleasure. Bigger house, more money, new car, traveling around the world, more sex, more money, more likes on the Facebook page, more Instagram followers, Pina Colada per day, oh and have I mentioned more money?

Although seeking a little more pleasure seems harmless, excessive pursuit of pleasure might lead to a disaster. Almost every sort of addiction happens because a person can’t control his or her need for an additional pleasure. Also, as I have elaborated earlier, I think a great deal of Croatia’s problems is caused exactly due to the value system that puts pleasure on the pedestal.

Now, please, don’t get me wrong. Little pleasure is great. Little pleasure is enjoyable. Little pleasure is necessary. But as the aforementioned study pointed out, as a number of studies mentioned in Tim Kasser’s High Price of the Materialism have pointed out, as a number of articles all over the Internet repeatedly point out ⁽¹⁷⁾Just google „Happiness is not pleasure”, pleasure is not the same as happiness.

Pleasure is only a small part of it. Which brings me to what actually happiness is.

SO, WHAT DOES MAKE US HAPPY?

Before I get to THE actual definition of the happiness, I would like to mention another one of Gilbert’s discoveries I haven’t mentioned so far. You see, Gilbert’s research demonstrated that after a major life event, your happiness returns to a certain level, the very same level before the event actually happened. No matter whether your spouse dies, your favorite football team wins the Champion League or you lose your job, at a distant point in the future you will feel the very same amount of happiness – your baseline value will NOT be affected. Dilbert called this resilience to either good or bad events psychological immune system.

And I know you must be thinking, what does all that mean, Vjeko? Is this some sort of nihilistic hullabaloo? Do you want to say there is no point in experiencing anything? That major life events bear no significance? That there is no real way of becoming a happier person?

Well, not really. Although studies ⁽¹⁸⁾Lu, L. (1999). Personal or environmental causes of happiness: A longitudinal analysis. The Journal of Social Psychology, 139(1), 79–90 have shown that external occurrences have zero effect on baseline happiness, they have also demonstrated baseline happiness varies from individual to individual. ⁽¹⁹⁾So fuck off and attend your wife’s mother birthday you have been avoiding, you inconsiderate prick! As Mark Manson explained:

“Not only does everyone have a different baseline level of happiness, but people are also able to slowly inch their baseline happiness up or down over time depending on how they live their lives.

That is the ticket to happiness — not a new car, not a fancier job, not a more attractive partner — but a permanent shift in the baseline happiness you continually return to despite whatever external factors occur in your life.”

With that in mind, let us finally get to the long-awaited definition of happiness. Ever since I started reading self-help and psychology literature, I’ve read a dozen of different definitions of happiness. Just on this blog, I have mentioned that the happiness equals solving problems and that the happiness is the process of becoming an ideal self. Listing all the other definitions of happiness I have stumbled upon over the years would be A) really an arduous task and B) completely incomprehensible.

However, one particular definition I first read in Eric Barker’s Barking Up The Wrong Tree and which originally appeared in the book Just Enough written by Laura Nash and Howard Stevenson, stood head and shoulders above the other. They divided happiness into four categories: ⁽²⁰⁾To be completely honest, the authors’ originally defined success in this manner. However, I think this division was an excellent definition of happiness instead. I have taken some liberty and slightly altered their definition to fit the purposes of this article. I know, I know. Sue me!

• Pleasure – Having feelings of pleasure and contentment in your life OR enjoying yourself
• Achievement – Achieving accomplishments that compare favorably against similar goals others have strived for OR winning
• Significance – Having a positive impact on people you care about OR counting (to others)
• Legacy – Establishing your values or accomplishments  OR extending

The main reason why I have become an advocate of the definition above is its balance. Using these values to measure our life essentially covers every possible area of human life and every possible aspect of happiness often mentioned in other definitions. I especially like the fact significance and legacy are included. They are often overlooked by a number of authors, yet those who DO mention them always emphasize their importance. ⁽²¹⁾For instance, Mark Manson recommends us to Cultivate a perspective beyond ourselves as a way of increasing our baseline happiness. Something similar is the central theme of the book Denial of Death by Ernst Becker, in which the author claims the goal of our actions is to establish a legacy as a way of transcending death

However, despite its universality, this system doesn’t throw some general terms, like meaning in front of our feet. It is very easy to measure how well you are doing in each of the four categories. If you are lacking in a certain area, it is easy to identify it and to try to improve it, which ultimately leads to an increase in your baseline happiness level.

I can definitely say this system helped me a lot in my battle against the quarter-life crisis. Some year and a half ago, when I was just starting my chess blog, I worked night and day, and completely disregarded my friends and.. myself. Everything revolved mainly around achievement and partly around legacy,  but the pleasure, and especially, significance parts, were completely missing. I didn’t go out much, I didn’t watch the television, I avoided hanging out with people under the I-have-much-to-do pretense. As a result, my baseline happiness was extremely low for an extended period of time.

After a while, I realized I need to change something in my approach to life. First of all, I permitted myself to relax more often and to stop kicking myself in the butt if new blog posts don’t appear on the daily basis. I have tried focusing more on people around me and, although there is still a long way to go, I feel much more content in the significance category. I also decided to open popsychle and realized it was a major step forward in the legacy category in contrast to the existing chess blog. Finally, although it is yet unknown how much these blogs are going to achieve one day, the very fact I am working on them makes me feel like a winner.

In any case, there is no denying that my baseline level of happiness is significantly higher than it used to be one year ago. ⁽²²⁾Naturally, there is a number of other factors that contributed to this that weren’t quite mentioned here. For instance, factors like therapy or learning how to apply boundaries, that probably deserve a separate article

Now, if you will excuse me, I have an article I predict will make me extremely happy to post.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Daniel Gilbert: Stumbling Onto Happiness

Mark Manson: Happiness Is Not Enough

Jennifer Hecht: The Happiness Myth

Psychology Today: 7 Myths About Happiness We Need To Stop Believing

Mark Manson: Guide To Happiness

M.L. Kirngelbach, K.C. Berridge, The Neuroscience of Happiness and Pleasure, Soc Res (New York), 2010 Summer, 77(2):659-678

Mark Manson: Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck

Tim Kasser: The High Price Of Materialism

Eric Barker: Barking Up The Wrong Tree

The evening was not going according to the plan.

After approximately 10 rounds of a „friendly“ Cards against humanity game, I was very much lagging behind. As the next black card with the words: „What will always get you laid?“ appeared, I decided it was time for desperate measures.

I looked at the best card in my entire hand I have been holding for quite some time now. After a couple of rounds, this was the moment to finally use it. With the best poker face I could muster, I put it among seven other white cards selected by other participants. The Black Card Holder took them all, shuffled them and started turning them around, one by one.

After what it seemed like an eternity to me, he finally reached my brilliance. With a smirk on his face, he read its content in a highly dramatic tone:

Active listening

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Depression, and mental illnesses, in general, have become a major problem in today’s society.

Depression is an extremely complex illness. Its exact causes are not yet known, but there is a number of factors that might contribute to its development. For instance, one article mentions abuse, trauma, genetics, major life events (even good ones), personal problems, serious illness and substance abuse as the possible causes. This complexity is one of its main problems – when people don’t understand something, they often tend to ignore or neglect it.

Yet, according to the WHO (World Health Organization), depression will become the second biggest health issue by the end of 2020. It is estimated that 300 million people all around the globe suffer from some sort of depression. ⁽¹⁾Source: http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs369/en/ In the United States of America, major depressive disorders affect approximately 14,8 million adults older than 18 – which is almost 7 % of the population. ⁽²⁾Source: https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/depression-information/depression-facts-depression-statistics/

And although the rest of the world likes to look at the USA with condescendence, depression is not something unique correlated with living on the American soil. For instance, according to the Varaždin Public Health Institute, 19% of women and 10% of men in Croatia suffer from depression. ⁽³⁾According to this article: http://www.varazdinske-vijesti.hr/aktualno/uoci-svjetskog-dana-zdravlja-depresija-je-sve-ucestalija-i-treba-ju-destigmatizirati-15194/

According to the statistics, the number of people suffering from depression is increasing on a daily basis. The good question arises – why is that so? Why is this number so much greater than some 50-70 years ago?

Naturally, there is a number of factors causing this phenomenon. Let me mention a couple of sociological ones I have considered particularly interesting or relevant:

• Cultural influence

Quite simply, considering that even today ‘coming out of the closet’ is extremely stigmatized, you can imagine how it looked in the past. Some 50-70 years ago, people simply didn’t talk about the depression. People didn’t want to admit to themselves they had a depression. People weren’t able to find professional help so easily – the whole field of psychology is relatively young, to say nothing of psychotherapy.

• Fast paced world and chasing poorly defined success

I have already written extensively about how the world around us affects us and how badly success is measured in our society. Psychologist Tim Kasser, author of the book The High Price of Materialism and one of the co-authors of the celebrated book Psychology and Consumer Culture has shown that chasing goals such as money, fame and image are correlated with anxiety and depression.

• Disconnection from the people around you

Let’s be frank – due to technological advances, we spend more and more time bleeding our eyes to death in front of our screens instead of spending time with people. Our communities and ties are weaker, our friendships are fading with years and more and more people feel lost and alone. Even when we do spend time with people, there is this thing in our pocket constantly bugging us, reminding us to watch the latest funny video or to check the latest snapchat story to see who our crush is ‘spending time’ with. ⁽⁴⁾Actually, one article blames smartphones as one of the main causes for the increasingly depressed number of teens. Check these two pscyhologytoday articles for more details: Why so many todays teens are depressed and Why so many people are stressed and depressed

Oh, look, they are hanging out…

Now, why am I writing all this? Because only a couple of months after starting popsychle.com, Antonio, a friend of mine, asked me if I accept guest posts.  Considering he was the first person to ask me that question, I was slightly taken aback. But I was happy to know I motivated someone to write about something that is important to him, so why not, I thought.

Antonio then proceeded to tell me he wants to write an article about depression and whether I think it would be suitable for popsychle. Considering making people who read this blog feel miserable is one of its main aims, I told him it is a perfect match. Since I knew he volunteers a lot, I thought he has met a number of depressive persons and that he wants to offer his two percents on this subject.

What followed shocked me, to be honest – Antonio wanted to write an article about his own battle with depression. The worst point was – I had no idea. Although I haven’t known him for all that long, I would have thought he was the last person on the planet to experience this problem. It really struck me how easy it is to get fooled, how little real attention we pay to other people.

It also made me realize how brave Antonio’s request actually is. How difficult it is to write openly about such a problem – there is so much stigma and shame revolving depression and mental health in general, that it is always considered as ‘weird’ to even talk about it. But it also made me all fuzzy and warm on the inside – my writing has inspired someone on such a tremendous act.

Thus, after lengthy editing process and a number of back and forth iterations between Antonio and me, this article finally saw the light of the day. I can say I am quite proud of the final result. I don’t think the article is necessarily earth-shattering. But it does offer a unique perspective in the mind of a depressed person. Hopefully, people who suffer from something similar will be able to relate to it and ease their situation by realizing they are not alone out there in this cruel world.

So without further ado, I give it to Antonio.

My name is Antonio and I am depressed.

To begin with, I want to address the question that many people often ask: Is depression a real thing? Isn’t it all just in your head? I want to say it once and for all: a) NO, IT’S NOT! and b) FUCK YOU!. Depression is not all in our head. Depression is a real thing, a serious concern in today’s society. It is a crippling illness that gets a person to the state that he/she feels unloved and alone.

Yet, despite the scientifical evidence, despite the statistics, many people still believe that depression is something you consciously decide you have. That being depressed is a matter of choice. More importantly, few people think depression is something serious. Most elderly people often think it is some adolescent invention.  That it all comes down to looking out the window and listening to sad music.

What, feeling a little down, are we? Cheer the fuck up, you wuss!

It’s a very dangerous misconception. You don’t choose to be depressed, depression chooses you! Trust me, if I could choose, I would definitely choose not to have anything to do with it. Like, ever.

Alas, fate decreed otherwise.

You see, when I was 19, I have been officially diagnosed as depressed. To be honest, I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment when I realized I have it. I started feeling the symptoms when I was 16. I don’t know why I suffer from it, either. Depression in my life just appeared one day and started snowballing ever since. And this snowballing, this gradualness is one of the main problems. It’s not like you wake up one day and say: Oh fuck it, I feel very down today.

Nothing of a sort.

Depression is coming for you quietly. You start to struggle with small things, like going for a walk, but you ignore this alarm, by saying to yourself: „Oh, I am just tired, that is all.“. You give an explanation for this behaviour, you say to yourself: It’s just a temporary thing.  I will be back to the normal state in no time. It was only a bad day. Alas, little by little, day by day, the depression gets stronger and the hole you find yourself in starts getting bigger and bigger.

You stay in this state for a longer time. You accept that as a normal fact and put the mask on yourself. The mask that says to other people „I am fine, I am happy.“. You continue to live with other people with that mask on because that is what you have to do. After all, humans are social creatures. This mask works for some time, but every day it gets harder.

If you are lucky.

You feel like you will never be happy. The terms „satisfaction“ and „happiness“ seem like an unknown thing. The things that brought you happiness and joy in the past, suddenly become worthless. Even the most trivial and elementary duties and tasks become very painful and difficult. You start to feel heaviness all over your body. Every step you make seems like the most difficult task ever. You start to blame yourself and feel ashamed for everything that you have done and everything you haven’t done.

That is the moment when you lose your motivation. You ask yourself: Why would I try to do something properly if it won’t make me happy anyway? If nothing makes me happy, what’s the point? Weeks and months go past, and your life seems like an infinite loop of pain and sadness.

There is a small part of you that wants to make things right. But that part lives about few hours. You want to go out and make new friendships and relationships, and this „positive energy“ lasts very shortly until it completely runs out.

You start to struggle in everyday situations, like talking with your friends. You start to think: „Do I really need people around me?“ It seems like every interaction with other people ends up as a failure. You are already so ashamed of yourself that another failure is not an option, so you start to avoid any interaction. In the end, you choose to live within your „comfort zone“, where nobody asks (stupid) questions.

Eventually, you start pushing people away. You start breaking your relationships and friendships.  And considering that the people around you are the best way out, you find yourself in some sort of vicious circle – the more depressed you are, the more you push people away. In the end, you start ignoring your family and friends altogether.

Family and friends that are still here for you.

You realize you can’t live much longer this way. You basically have two options. The first option is trying to deal with it, which is probably impossible without seeking professional help. The second option is choosing the easy way out. Choosing to end it here and there.

Choosing to take your own life. ⁽⁵⁾I might sound like a melodramatic emo teen, but this is the reality.  According to a Mayo Clinic study, about 65% of people diagnosed with depression have suicidal thoughts. Around 6% of them attempt suicide

As the more perceptive of you might have noticed, considering I am writing this, I haven’t yet committed suicide. After a lengthy and prolonged battle, I managed to gain some ground. The periods of depression still exist, but they are less frequent and less intensive than ever before.

How have I managed to get better? How have I dealt with all my issues? There are three major factors that contributed:

• Antidepressants

Antidepressants were the key part in the early stage of my battle. The aim of antidepressants is to prevent depression from returning and to relieve its symptoms.

There is a lot of stigma revolving around people taking medications. Just think of it, if someone approached you and told you he just bought some Prozac, how would you react? You’d probably assume there is something wrong with him. You’d probably back off a bit. You’d probably think you are dealing with a madman.

This judgement is not only typical of the ‘outsiders’. Even people who experience depression often refuse to take their medication. They think acceptance of the medications means they have officially lost their mind. ⁽⁶⁾You might remember Elliot Rodger from the previous article who went through something similar  – Vjekoslav Nemec. They doubt that antidepressants can actually help them.

Unfortunately, some of them are right. As with other medical treatments, this kind of medications may work for some people and have absolutely no effect on others. Moreover, some therapists are keen on prescribing them as a magic solution. What these ‘professional pill prescribers’ fail to recognize is that, in most cases, antidepressants are most effective only when combined with some sort of therapy. In his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, cognitive therapist David Burns writes:

 “Drugs are the most common treatment for depression in the United States, and there is a widespread belief, popularized by the media, that drugs are the most effective treatment. However, this opinion is not consistent with the result of many carefully conducted outcome studies during the past twenty years. These studies show that the newer forms of psychotherapy, especially cognitive therapy, can be at least as effective as drugs, and for many patients appear to be more effective.“

Moreover, it is well known that antidepressants can have some very negative side effects. When I started taking them, I became a victim as well – and it was very unpleasant. I suffered from severe headaches, dizziness and serious sleep deprivation.

However, most of the side effects appear in the first few weeks of treatment and later they disappear. Despite them, antidepressants helped me a lot. My “depression episodes” became shorter and less frequent. I feel like they were the key factor in my battle against symptoms of depression, such as feeling empty, exhausted and extremely sad.

It is important to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of antidepressants with your doctor. But in the end, it is up to you to decide.

The effect of the antidepressants on relapse prevention (Source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0087089/)

• Therapy

Arguably even more important factor in my battle were sessions with psychiatrists.

Understanding my feelings and raising my self-awareness was arguably the most important benefit of going to therapy. In conversations with my psychiatrist, we managed to find the mechanisms which can help manage my problems and feelings more successfully. He was able to see things from a different perspective and managed to put “that positive perspective” inside my head, as well.

It’s not all shiny of course. Throughout the therapy, you experience numerous difficulties. ⁽⁷⁾One could even argue therapy is not efficient if it doesn’t ‘hurt’ The main obstacle to overcome is that there is a chance that your closest friends and family will not really ‘get the point’ or understand why you ‘have to go to the therapy’. Similarly like with antidepressives, going to therapy is shrouded with stigma and judging. People that go to the psychiatrist are often labelled insane.

Also, there will be times when even you won’t ‘get the point’. A major issue that often appears during the course of therapy is the feeling of being stuck. Of not making any progress. But in the end, after numerous sessions, I saw the light at the end of a very, very long and dark tunnel. It’s like I got a new chance in this world.

After losing many battles, I finally got the chance to win the war.

• Other people

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Although the professional help was definitely helpful and required, in the end, the most important role was played by those closest to me. Family and close friends who were there when I needed them the most. In the last several years, I made a number of strong friendships that helped me overcome the depression and its episodes ⁽⁸⁾If you guys are reading this, thank you once again, you are the best!

If you have depression, I wish that you will find the needed comfort in the fact that, no matter what you think, you are not alone. You are not the only one in the world with similar problems. There are people around you that care about you and love you the way you are. Even though you are often ashamed of what you are and therefore feel abandoned, trust me, you are never really alone.

When you are surrounded by friends and family who understand what is going on, who look you in the eye without judging you, depression episodes can be solved ever so easier. There were numerous instances when I had panic attacks, and people willing to talk with me until everything was resolved were simply there. Often, this conversations would last until the early morning hours (5-6 AM). These people often had obligations the very next day. These people often had something to worry about themselves. These people often had their own life to live.

But they were there.

And that’s what mattered the most. Being there. Because if you don’t suffer from depression, it’s pretty logical that you will not understand the pain that they are going through. Nobody expects that from you anyway. Just being there for that person is a perfect help!

Often, the depressed person doesn’t know what he/she needs, but they need someone in the same room who will not judge them and who will be there for them. They need someone who won’t mind if a person screams or cries, someone will help them to survive the tough times.

Because in the end, that is precisely what depression is all about.

Surviving.