5 Books That Changed My Life

In the last year and a half, ever since getting my own Kindle Paperwhite, I have read more books than I can remember. Some of them were brilliant, some of them were utter crap, but all of them influenced my way of thinking in one way or another.

However, allow me to paraphrase George Orwell and his famous Animal Farm quote: All books are equal, but some books are more equal than the others. On this vast list, there were definitely books who influenced my way of thinking more than others. Who made an everlasting impression on me. Books I would recommend as a must read to my closest friends. Even my closest enemies. To everyone, basically.

So, without further ado, let’s take a look at the list of five books that changed my life a.k.a. opus of Mark Manson and the other three.

1.  MARK MANSON – MODELS: ATTRACT WOMEN THROUGH HONESTY

What is it about?

Before devoting himself to “giving life advice that does not suck” on markmanson.net, the famous blogger and published writer Mark Manson was an active member of the so-called pick-up artist (PUA) community. PUA community can be basically translated as “dating advice for men” industry. Mark spent a number of years working as a dating coach and later wrote a lot on the matter on his site postmasculine.com ⁽¹⁾Which doesn’t exist anymore as it became the part of the afore-mentioned markmanson.net blog.

Considering all of the above, it is not surprising Mark’s first book, Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty is a men’s dating advice book. However, this is not just another PUA book. Although he was a member of the community for quite a while, Mark has gradually broken away from its ideas and actually become one of its main critics.  ⁽²⁾One of the main complaints regarding Models is that criticism of the PUA community is one of its hidden agendas. If you are interested in a brief version of Mark’s side of the story, I suggest you read his article My Life As A Pick-Up Artist, and decide for yourselves In contrast to the traditional PUA methods, Models advocates diametrically opposite approach and system of values. As the full title of the book suggests, the central concepts of the book are vulnerability and honesty.

Mark introduces the three H’s – three fundamentals of a successful love life. He defines honest living as removing the separation between the person you desire to be and person you actually are. He defines honest action as removing the separation between what one desires to do and what one actually does. And he defines honest communication as removing the separation between what one believes and feels and what one says. Or, more simply, honest living is the good old “be yourself”, honest action is the good old “fuck your anxiety” and honest communication is the good old “express your feelings” advice.

From the standpoint of these fundamentals, Mark covers a wide array of topics tightly connected to seduction, relationship, intimacy and attraction. Confidence, approaching, body language, looks, dating, humour, kissing, sex, etc., are all there. With the help of the three H’s, the book offers a fresh and unique perspective on almost every aspect of attraction and dating. For instance, some of the ideas outlined in the book are:

• Rejection is not a bad thing; don’t fear it
• Express who you are. Be open about it and proud of it
• Talking about your emotions and imperfections is hot and sexy, not shameful and lame
• Widely accepted metrics of success with women are crappy (quantity instead of quality, never being rejected, dating a better-looking woman than your friends, etc.)

In their essence, the concepts presented in this book are by no means revolutionary. Most of them are pretty instinctive and natural. One could argue that almost everyone is familiar with them to a certain extent. Be yourself? Seriously? Do I really need a book and a guru to tell me such a cliche answer? Boy, Vjeko, considering the things you are reading, you have even more problems than I thought.

Well, I think one of Mark’s greatest abilities as a writer is stating the obvious in a very simple and very elegant way. A way that makes you go: Oh, it makes a lot of sense! while you are well aware you would never be able to explain the very same concept in a similar manner. ⁽³⁾In the words of an anonymous Amazon reviewer: I read it and honestly felt stupid for not realizing whats in this book,  it’s so obvious yet you have to read the book to really get it. Hard to explain, just read it. Moreover, although all these ideas don’t seem extraordinary, the truth is most of us aren’t aware of them.

They become obvious only after someone Mark takes his hand and points them out to us.

How it changed my life?

I have first gotten into contact with the PUA literature when I was in high school. Between hours spent playing DOTA and hanging out on Windows Live Messenger, I stumbled on the celebrated book The Game by Neil Strauss. ⁽⁴⁾For the sake of the article, let’s assume you indeed DO randomly stumble on such a literature At a time, this book seemed like a holy grail. Wow, there are guys who are able to sleep with any women they want? Where do I sign?

Over the next couple of years, I read more PUA books than I am willing to admit. Tao of the Badass, The Mystery’s Method, even Lovesystems’ Routine Manual, to mention a few. I devoured other material, watched videos, followed websites and forums and accumulated a lot of “knowledge” about the whole process of seduction and attraction.

However, it goes without saying that when I tried applying that knowledge in real life, it didn’t have much effect. All the theories about approaching, openers, transition, escalation and whatnot would collapse like a house of cards once I engaged in a conversation with an actual human being.  The best I could do was to get the chance to walk away with some dignity. More often than not the result was just an astonished, what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about look on the girls face.

Naturally, it had a disappointing and discouraging effect on me. After all, these things are supposed to work, no? Pick up lines and methods are obviously not the problem. You are Vjeko. Moreover, the books didn’t have anything to say about failure. Failure was not an option, really. What the fuck are you crying about, you wuss? Don’t have the results? Go practice more! Go approach more!

In such a state of mind (which, mind you, lasted a couple of years), Models was just the right book I needed.  It helped me understand my own behaviour and its consequences. It helped me break away from my juvenile and immature views on love life and relationships. Not just male-female relationships, but all sorts of relationships. I firmly believe it has helped me come one step closer  to that word defining adulthood we all fear so much ⁽⁵⁾Hint: It starts with M and ends with aturity

It made me realize most of the PUA advice I read is bullshit. The whole premise of having a certain set of tactics that ultimately works is pretty derogative for the opposite sex.  It assumes women have to fall for us if only we execute correctly. Nowhere have I read about them saying no. About different types of women. About their different preferences. About their thoughts, rights and opinions. About their boundaries. No, the whole interaction turns into a roleplaying game, with us being the main actors and them mere spectators.

Moreover, when everything is scripted people think more about the way they are interacting instead of, you know, interacting. Thinking there is some magical formula for success shifts the focus of our actions from the person we are talking to the goal we have in mind. It is a pretty shitty way of treating anyone.  And it completely removes the authenticity and honesty of the conversation. ⁽⁶⁾Also, when we have a hidden agenda, we often try to achieve it by any means necessary. Search the dictionary for the definition of the words manipulation and lying for more details

I think the lack of authenticity is precisely the reason why these pick-up lines worked so poorly for me. I didn’t enjoy a single moment of it. I hated it. I hated the clubs and the pressure of having to approach and the well-established definition that the night is not a success if you haven’t “scored”.

As Mark explains, your intentions in interactions are what matters. And my intentions were clearly way off. I didn’t engage in a conversation because I liked conversing. Or because I loved meeting new people. I did it with the ultimate idea of getting into someone’s pants. While trying to hide my insecurities and the real me all along. Which was impossible. No matter what I did or said, this insecurity, this lack of comfort, this lack of self-esteem would always come out on top. And detected by ever-intuitive women.

This violation of the “honest living” principle wasn’t visible only in nightclubs. It occurred regularly in everyday life. For instance, for a long time, I had trouble telling people I love chess. I feared they would mock it, I feared they would think of it as a nerdy activity and I feared girls would find it unattractive. I remember how astonished I was when a fellow chessplayer told me: “The first thing  I tell people is I play chess”. To my mind it was terrifying – what will they tell?

 Only after reading Models and growing up a bit did I change my attitude. I mean, chess is an integral part of my life. Why on Earth would I want to hide it?

That is not to say I suddenly have illusions about chess being the most interesting thing in the world. Hell, just very recently, I met two girls and one guy at a birthday party. When another friend asked me something about chess I started passionately answering the question. Later, I got the comment that a conversation wasn’t particularly enticing and that I the afore-mentioned trio was quite bored.

Earlier, I would have been quite struck with such a comment. Earlier, I would have wanted them desperately to change their opinion. Earlier, I would have hesitated to answer the question in the first place. But today, I am aware chess is not a particularly exciting topic for most of the people. Today, I realize them reacting this way tells a lot more about them than about me. ⁽⁷⁾Especially since I tried to be considerate and not to talk about the 5 greatest players in the chess history in great detail. You can read about it here, while we are at it. Shameless self-promotion, you are doing it right Today, I realize if they didn’t like me for who I am, someone else will and there is no point in trying to convince them to change their mind.

It has to be said that “for who I am” in the previous sentence actually means “for who I am at the given moment in time”. Throughout the book, Mark suggests multiple advice to improve your looks, communication skills, humour and other essential components of not only sexual interactions but social interactions in general. And that is the aspect of the book  I like the most. Because although PUA resources occasionally suggest working on yourself, ⁽⁸⁾As, for instance, this article on the website girlchase it is never truly in focus. Mark is the first to come up with an overall self-improvement theory as the best approach to improving your love life. As he put it in another blog article:

„The best dating advice is self-improvement“ ⁽⁹⁾Before you jump to proclaim my love for Mark, I would like to point out that he is definitely not the only one with a similar mindset. There are multiple writers on Quora whose set of values pretty much aligns with everything written in the Models. The most prominent is certainly, Franklin Veaux. I have learnt so much from his answers and I can’t recommend going through them highly enough. It’s eye-opening

2.  DALE CARNEGIE – HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

What is it about?

Written way back in 1936, Dale Carnegie’s book How To Win Friends and Influence People can be safely regarded as one of the first self-help books. The book that practically started the whole industry. Since its first edition, it has been sold in more than 30 million copies worldwide. It has been endorsed by people like Warren Buffet and Johnny Cash and can be rightfully be regarded as a true bestseller.

As the title suggests, the focus of the book is the development of one’s social skills. Throughout the series of stories and real-life examples, Dale Carnegie gives a ton of advice on the matter of dealing with other people. Yet, despite its cheesy title, the book is not dedicated to lonely losers who spend their days in their room crying in solitude because they are unable to have a proper conversation with another human being, let alone making friends. It gives numerous examples from business, stories from successful managers and salesman, and focuses at least as much on professional relationships as on private ones.

The book is divided in three parts and it teaches us:

• Six ways to make people like us
• Twelve ways to win people to our way of thinking
• Nine ways to change people without arousing resentment

Although the book is bit outdated (it is more than 80 years old), I still believe you can gain a lot from reading it. It offers a lot of useful tips that should help you navigate your conversations, your business inquiries and, in case you are selling something, your salesman techniques. Similarly like Models, it does give you a certain „No shit, Captain Obvious“ feeling. Most of the tips are kinda obvious and should be common knowledge, yet I still feel most of us often neglect them in our everyday life. For instance, let’s look at six ways to make people like us:

• Become genuinely interested in other people
• Smile
• Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language
• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
• Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Now, although everyone might agree these points are a matter of basic human decency, there are certain caveats. Book’s critics rightfully point out it is too simplistic. While all these advice, in general, have a lot of sense, I think they shouldn’t be followed blindly. Most of the suggestions lack sophistication. For instance, consider this passage on the theme of smiling:

„You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile.  If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy,  and that will tend to make you happy.“

Although this is the basis of a great number of modern self-help books, I have never liked this “positive psychology” approach. In the context of smiling, there are even studies that indicate that “fake it until you make it” actually has a negative effect on your mood. I think that we should be aware Dale overgeneralizes when he makes his suggestions.

Listening to others and encouraging them to talk about themselves is another point that should be taken with a grain of salt. While it is indubitably useful to employ it in your own life, I think it shouldn’t be done unconditionally. We all know that active listening can be very demanding. I personally know a couple of great listeners who have told me that people start expecting them to listen always and it can be incredibly draining and exhausting. There are days when you are simply not up to it. When you have the right to say no.

Therefore, I think that saying: “In general, you should listen to other people and encourage them to talk about themselves, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect them to sometimes to the same” would be much more pragmatic and accurate than the way Dale has phrased it. ⁽¹⁰⁾And much less sexy if you intend to sell the book, of course

Also, at first sight, it might appear the book is suggesting us to be manipulative and exploitive when dealing with other people. That all these suggestions are merely means to achieving our ends. That influencing people means mind tricking people into liking you.

In my opinion, the book suggests nothing of a sort. Just like in Models, the key concepts are honesty and sincerity. For instance, he doesn’t suggest asking other people about themselves for the sake of asking, he suggests doing so with genuine interest. Similarly, every other advice comes with the flavour of honesty. The book provides you with much more than a couple of tricks for dealing with people. Firstly and foremostly, it suggests maintaining an open mind and improving yourself. Dale suggests cultivating a mindset that will truly raise your interest in other people.

Still, if you are not a careful reader, you can extract wrong conclusions quite easily. The review of the book on Lifehacker has put it quite nicely:

„While people like Buffett praise it for its management techniques, it’s also easy to see how one could use those same techniques for evil. Which is to say, depending on who you are, you can read Carnegie’s book in  two distinct ways: to win friends or to influence people.  Which route you take can change how you feel about the book, yourself, and your relationships[…] How you incorporate Carnegie’s lessons into your life is totally up you.“

How it changed my life?

All the criticism aside, this book has had a major influence on my life. It was the very first self-help book I have ever read. At a time, I had a big aversion toward the whole self-help industry. I felt kinda pathetic when I took the book with such a title. Still, I wasn’t quite content with the way I was dealing with people and I thought, fuck it, there is nothing to lose.

So, how have I benefited from reading it? Well, first of all, the book changed my attitude about social interactions. Earlier, I have considered dealing with people something very challenging and difficult. The cornerstone idea of focusing on the other person made me realize it is actually something very simple and intuitive. I have realized everyone in the world has a favourite topic to talk about – themselves. And that it is incredibly easy to make them start talking about it.

Secondly, the book has made me appreciate other people’s hobbies and interests much more. You see, during my college educations, I have met many brilliant programmers who were very passionate about their craft. They often talked about their latest achievements in great detail. I was always quite bored with those conversations. Like, wtf loser, who wants to listen about those nerd topics. ⁽¹¹⁾When you think of it, I was merely projecting my own, chess-related insecurities. Ever since I have, fortunately, managed to change my approach. Today, I am guided by the It is your job to find the best in people, not theirs to show it principle.

Finally, the book has made me realize that there is something in these self-help books. That, as long as one is reading them selectively and with a critical mind, one can learn a lot from them. Ever since I have been very much into similar literature. Had I not downloaded Dale’s book from the Internet that day ⁽¹²⁾Sue me!, this blog would have never seen the light of the day. ⁽¹³⁾Yes, humanity, you owe Dale big time.

3.  MARK MANSON, SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK

What is it about?

Now, now, I know what the most of you are thinking. Common, Vjeko, ANOTHER Mark Manson book? Do you read anything else these days? How much does he pay you to advertise him?

Well, since he doesn’t accept affiliates since, like, 2015, unfortunately – none.  I have decided to include Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck because I think it is a fantastic book. And if someone thinks the list could have been more diverse, guess what? I don’t give a fuck.

Uhm, anyway, after writing Models, Mark has decided to broaden the array of topics he is writing about. The focus in the subsequent blog post was less on the relationships, and more on the “life advice that does not suck”. Mark started presenting his overall life philosophy through articles about motivation, society, happiness, life choices, etc. His writing has been unequivocally called more mature, retaining the combination of blunt honesty and light-hearted humour all along.

Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is the result of the five year’s work in this direction. The book is sort of extended synthesis of Mark’s best blog posts in that period. Multiple stories, personal experiences and anecdotes are blended with key ideas presented earlier. This extra touch makes Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck extremely enjoyable, easy and instructive read.

Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a self-help book. However, it is not a self-help book in the traditional sense of that world – quite the opposite. Just as Models go against everything dating industry advocates, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck contradicts conventional self-help wisdom has to offer (in a much less vindictive or personal manner, as well). In contrast to the standard positive psychology approach, Mark is of the opinion that self-improvement is a painful process and by no means easy or… pleasant. ⁽¹⁴⁾The summary of Mark’s thoughts on the infamous Law of Attraction can be read in his article reviewing the book The Secret with the modest title: The Staggering Bullshit of the Secret

There is a reason why the subtitle of the book is a Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life.  Mark’s life advice is counterintuitive and unpleasant to hear at first. However, once it is processed, it starts making a lot of sense. Just as in Models, Mark tackles complicated ideas and elaborates them in a very comprehensive and simple manner. Among other things, the book teaches us that:

• Happiness is not an absence of problems. Happiness is solving problems.
• If everyone was exceptional, no one would be exceptional.
• We choose which metrics we want to use to measure success in our life.
• Even though something is not our fault, we are still responsible how we respond to it.

Despite its title, the book doesn’t suggest total apathy as a solution. It doesn’t say we shouldn’t give a fuck at all. On the contrary, it tells us our fucks are too precious to be given so easily. That we get to decide what is important to us and what is not. That we get to choose what we want to give a fuck about, and what not. That learning to give a fuck about things that matter is a first step towards living a good life.

How it changed my life?

When I was young I used to give too many fucks about too many things. I used to give a fuck about whether I got A+ or A- on the test.  I used to give a fuck whether that cute girl I will not even talk within a couple of years actually looked in my direction. And that’s pretty normal. As kids, we don’t really know where to put our fucks.

As years went by, however, I didn’t make much progress. I still gave a fuck what people thought about me. I gave way too many fucks about people who were completely unimportant and who treated me like shit. I gave way too many fucks about how successful I am. Partly because, from my earliest days, I never stopped to think what success actually is.

Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck was a game changer in that regard. Or more precisely, one huge hit in the head with the self-awareness sign. Reading it made me reflect on my past. It made me reevaluate my goals and plans for the present. Which yardsticks when I am measuring my own life. It made me question everything I thought I knew about life. It made me realize I can use my fucks much more wisely and explained in detail how to do it. In the end, it has influenced and formulated my life philosophy.

And with it, most probably my future as well.

4.  ERIC BARKER, BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE

What is it about?

The full title of Eric Barker’s book, Barking Up The Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong suggests it is a book about success. However, as the title also points out, it is not just another generic book about success. That offers „advice“ you can read on the Instagram of the trendy influencer. How you should follow your dreams. How you should never give up. How you should go against the odds, believe in yourself, create your own luck, because you are like, amazing and unstoppable and indestructible.

You know, all that bullshit.

Barking Up the Wrong Tree tries to tackle the conventional definition of success from a different angle. First of all, it offers a different perspective on what success actually is. Similarly as Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Barking Up the Wrong Tree reminds us defining our own success is entirely up to us. It is that much-needed reality check some of us need when we forget what is really important in life. It teaches us that conventional success most often comes with a price.

Take for instance Albert Einstein as an example. Everybody knows of his contributions to the field of physics. What everyone is not aware of is the fact his first wife had to sign a contract in which his family duties were strictly defined. ⁽¹⁵⁾And you thought Sheldon’s character was too exaggerated A contract according to which his wife was prohibited to disturb him whenever he is working.  A contract which stated Einstein should not be obligated to attend any family gatherings.

Lucky bastard!

Secondly, the book does offer a perspective on the conventional definition of success and means to achieving it. However, that perspective is quite unconventional and refreshing. The main theme dominating the book is The Golden Mean. Throughout the book, with the help of numerous examples, stories and scientific studies, Eric Barker keeps assuring us that moderation is the key. That the truth is always somewhere in the middle. That common advice about success is too general and in most cases – simply wrong.

Over the course of six chapters, Barkers sheds a new light on the questions such as:

• Do Nice Guys really finish last and is it worth going against the rules?
• Should you stick to your dreams no matter what, or should you know when to quit?
• Is who you know more important than what you know? Do extroverts really do better than introverts?
• Where is the thin line between confidence and overconfidence?
• Is working like there’s no matter a guarantee of success? Is there something to be said about work-life balance?

Apart from being written very fluently and with a great dose of humour, the book doesn’t try to give any definite answers. Barker doesn’t pretend he has got it all figured out and doesn’t tell you how to live your life. He simply states there is a number of approaches that might or might not have worked for different people. It is up to you to figure out what works best for you, I can perhaps only offer some tips that might help you in the process.

The process of discovering you are most likely already successful. You just haven’t realized it yet.

How it changed my life?

I have to tell you, out of all the books on this list, Barking Up the Wrong Tree is arguably my most favourite one. It can be partly explained by the fact I stumbled upon it at the height of my quarter-life crisis. As explained previously in the blog, I was full of questions and answers were nowhere to be found. I value this book because Barker answered those very questions for me. When I was reading it, there were moments where I had the feeling like I personally gave him a list of my concerns and that he wrote the book on the basis of these concerns.

For instance, once I opened my chess blog, I started working like a maniac on it. There was so much to learn. So much to do. My god, I need to do this post today. Now. Fuck, I should have done it yesterday. I am already late. I would go to sleep around midnight and wake up at 6 and go to the table tennis practice in the meantime. There was a period where I completely disregarded my social life, my friends and broader social circle, even my family. Only after reading Barker’s book did I realize it might have gone too far.

In the chapter dedicated to work-life balance, Barker talks about the life of Ted Williams, a baseball superstar from the middle of the century. He describes Williams’ work ethic, perfectionism, dedication and perseverance. He also describes how, when his daughter asked him something about himself, he told her to „read his biography.“ In the very same chapter Barker talks about regrets people had on their deathbeds resonated with me. Among the top five regrets, „I wish I hadn’t worked so hard“ and „I wish I spent more time with my family and my friends“. Reading this made me realize chess blog will not run away, while relationships and friendships might.

The chapter on work-life balance is only one example. I have extracted similar lessons from almost every other chapter of the book as well. For instance, the story about Walter Green is also quite instructive and inspiring. In his retirement, Walter Green decided to make a list of people who have had a major influence in his life. After assembling more than 40 names, he decided to pay each and every single one of them a gratitude visit – a personal visit during which Green would sit down with a person and tell him exactly how big of a difference that person made in his life. Some of the visits included flying to other continents. But in the end, he carried all of them out. The effect of the visits was so powerful that they regularly ended up in tears. Not only that, he inspired a number of people to assemble their own gratitude lists.

The story made me realize how we are too focused on big things to appreciate small things. Like a smile from a friend. Like sharing a beer and a good laugh with someone we care about. Like writing a couple of sentences and then publishing them online, even though most people will laugh at them. It reminded me of the importance of gratitude. About the importance of showing people around you what they mean to you. Because, you know, they won’t be here until the end of time.

I could probably go on and on about this book for quite some time. But since this post is getting way longer than I initially envisioned, perhaps I should stop wasting your time and start talking about book number five.

Because Nice Guys don’t waste other people’s time.

5.  ROBERT GLOVER, NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

We have all heard about the term Nice Guys. This term usually has a very positive connotation. When we think of a nice guy, we think of someone who is extremely polite, easy going, calm and not very aggressive. Someone who is possibly slightly shy and introverted. Someone who never gets into conflicts, who is always in control of his behaviour, who doesn’t get irritated or angry so easily, who is very likeable as a person.

In his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert Glover, an American therapist and marriage counsellor, challenges this well-established opinion. According to dr. Glover, Nice Guys are anything but Nice. Some of the actual traits characterizing Nice Guys are:

• Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest
• Nice Guys hide their true intentions
• Nice Guys have trouble asking for what they want, so they resort to lying, manipulation and emotional blackmail
• Nice Guys are dependant on external approval and validation of others

Nice Guys operate under what dr. Glover calls covert contracts. Covert contracts are silent contracts Nice Guys make with the person they are interacting with. According to them, that person has certain obligations toward Nice Guys. If a person refuses to adhere to their side of the bargain, Nice Guys get upset, angry and passive-aggressive.

Some examples of covert contracts are:

• Doing people favours and expecting them to return them
• Telling I love you and following it up with Do you love me
• Complimenting a woman because you think compliments will make her like you

Everything Nice Guys’ do is almost always based on expectations. On hidden agendas. Although they outwardly seem pleasant and nice, their actions never come without any strings attached. They might seem like people pleasers, but their only intention is to ultimately please themselves. It is not about the actions; their intentions are what makes the whole difference in the world.

Franklin Veaux, a famous Quoran already mentioned above, gave a very accurate and concise definition of a Nice Guy:

 „The stereotypical Nice Guy is anything but kind and compassionate. The stereotypical Nice Guy is a guy who thinks that if he does emotional labor for a woman—that is, if he listens to her, does things for her, spends time with her, and supports her—he is entitled to get sex in return, and if she doesn’t give him sex, she’s doing something wrong.

That kind of Nice Guy is not well-regarded by most people. He doesn’t directly ask for what he wants; he feels entitled to get what he wants as compensation for his time and attention“

HOW IT CHANGED MY LIFE?

Going through this book was arguably one of the most painful things I have done in my entire life. Whenever I opened it and started reading the sentences, I felt as if someone just threw me in a ring with angry Mike Tyson in the prime of his career. Hell, I had the feeling that even if he suddenly took a bit of my ear, it would still hurt less than Mr. Glover’s words.

The book was incredibly relatable. I had the feeling like the author has been following me from the beginning I was born, writing episodes from my life down in his notebook and publishing them in a book. More than once I stopped reading to remember a certain episode from my own life and to reevaluate it with the help of the content I have just assimilated. I have realized there were numerous moments where I have operated under covert contracts. Where I have hidden my true intentions under the guise of being approachable and ready to help. Where I have behaved as a Nice Guy.

For instance, you might remember how I fell for my friend and how she rejected me. After the first rejection though, we continued to be friends. The problem was that from that moment onward, I wasn’t a friend just for the sake of friendship. Everything I said, thought and done was a calculated act of some sort. I thought me behaving nicely, avoiding conflicts, validating her opinions, withholding my emotions and being considerate would ultimately change her mind. “Convince” her I am the right for her. Naturally, when that didn’t happen, I was full of anger and resentment and in the end behaved like a typical Nice Guy, exploding in rage and destroying the whole relationship.

Of course, the syndrome most obviously manifested itself in the context of my sex life. However, the book made me realize the sex life is not the only area of my life that might use some serious work. For instance, some of the quotes that really rocked me like a hurricane were:

• It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from quitting a job he despises. It is fear that gets in the way of a Nice Guy starting the business of his dreams. It is fear that prevents a Nice Guy from living where he really wants to live and doing what he really wants to do.
• Nice Guys are terrible receivers. They are terrified of asking for help. They are completely miserable when others try to give to them. A major reason Nice Guys frequently fail to live up to their potential is they believe they have to do everything themselves.
• They might be jack of all trades, but they are typically masters of none
• The more dependent a man is on external approval, the deeper he is going to have to hide his sexual behaviour.
• All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings.
• Women consistently tell me that even though they may be initially drawn to a Nice Guy’s pleasing demeanour, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him. Often the partner feels defective, but it is really not her fault. There is just very little about Nice Guy Persona to flip a switch or arouse a prospective partner.

To be completely honest, I am not the only one who is guilty as charged. I have noticed some characteristics of Nice Guys in stories and actions of my friends, my acquaintance, my colleagues, even my father. Many men around me occasionally operate under covert contracts without them even being aware of it. Not only that, when I try hinting their intentions might not be fundamentally genuine, I am usually met with a combination of defensiveness, denial and good old ad hominem aggression.

I know a man whose wife is completely unhappy with her job. While she does nothing to change her situation, he actively searches for jobs and he writes application letters for her, even though she never asked him. He just assumes he has to take responsibility for her well-being.

I know a man who never tells the boss he is overwhelmed and overextended, yet he often complains about it when the boss is not around. He is outwardly nice and willing to do everything, but in reality, he is just unable to maintain his boundaries and say no in a healthy way. While he tries to do it in a passive-aggressive manner, he is full of resentment and anger.

I know a man who is outwardly calm and content. He is proud that he is not confrontational. When things don’t go his way, when the perfection in his world is shaken, he is unable to express himself, tell what’s bothering him or tell what he really wants. He indulges in self-loathing and explodes in rage instead.

Honestly, certain traces of a Nice Guy are (or were) present in almost every men I know. I think everyone can benefit from reading this book at least once. Naturally, that is not to say I agree with every single statement in it. I think it is important to bear in mind everything dr. Glover writes comes with the assumption that Nice Guys’ intentions are fundamentally dishonest. And once again, it is worth repeating that intentions are what ultimately determine whether an action was honest or not.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to seek approval by sharing this article on social media.

Further reading

1) Very honest and detailed review of the How to Win Friends and Influence People

2) Eric Barker’s official blog

3) Dr. Glover’s official website

4) A nice summary of the No More Mr. Nice Guy 

5) Another very precise review of the No More Mr. Nice Guy