„Yeah, man, I love travelling, too.“

„We are totally going somewhere this summer.“

„Whatever you are planning, count me in. BRUH!“

In the summer of 2015, I wanted to go abroad. The replies I got were promising. I got stoked. I started exploring the options. I looked for Ryanair tickets, cheap hostels and bars that offer good beer – everything an average college student requires when organizing a trip.

When I arrived with the concrete plans, however, the old story repeated itself:

„ Uhm, yeah, I don’t have much money right now.“

„ I thought you were talking about next year.“

„ What’s wrong with going to Croatian seaside instead. It IS beautiful, you know.“

In July 2015, I have had enough. After experiencing how difficult it is to maintain a male-female friendship, my heart was broken. I needed an escape. I needed to get away. I needed a trip. ⁽¹⁾A trip, not TO trip. Although I did visit Amsterdam in the end. Nice and cultural city, I’ve got to say!

So, I said – fuck it. If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad can go to the mountain. After a lot of googling and zillion of requests on Couchsurfing, at the beginning of August, I did something I have never done before.

I travelled alone.

I was scared.  I felt pathetic. A lot of people asked me what’s wrong with me. But I did it.

In total, I spent 12 days in Belgium and the Netherlands. I slept in the homes of four people I haven’t met before. I hanged out with new people every day. I cycled in the countryside around Brugges. I smoked pot in Amsterdam. ⁽²⁾Whoops! Busted! I drank beers with three Americans and one Taiwanese. ⁽³⁾Who got drunk from one choco beer which contained 3.5% of alcohol. Everything they say about Asians and alcohol is true!

All in all, the trip was a memorable experience.

Nevertheless, I thought it was a one-time experience. „Okay, Vjeko, you have tried it now, you have proven to yourself you are able to do it, but it is not something you will repeat.”, I thought. I doubted I would ever travel alone again.

Naturally, three years later, in August 2018, I found myself alone on the road again. The circumstances were different – I combined pure travelling with a chess tournament. But out of 15 days, I spent 7 days completely on my own.

The second trip was much more difficult. Despite spending less time on my own, despite having gone through a solo journey before, I was uneasy. Already before setting my foot in the first aeroplane, I somehow felt isolated and depressed. Even though there were numerous beautiful moments, even though once again I met a multitude of different people, I couldn’t get rid of these negative emotions. Toward the end of the trip, I was fed up with everything and couldn’t wait to return home.

Upon my return, I started thinking about my experience. What has changed in these three years? How come one trip was challenging and rewarding and the other just plain difficult?

That’s when I realized both trips were a big learning experience. I learnt a lot about people. I learnt a lot about places. But most importantly, I learnt a lot about myself.

The lessons often happened where I least expected them. They were not always pleasant. Some epiphanies were rather painful. Some truths were rather unwanted. But they were valuable. They helped me reshape my thinking and alter my behaviour.  I firmly believe travelling alone helped me grow.

Of course, it is up to you to decide. Here are 10 lessons I learned during the 19 days I spent travelling alone. ⁽⁴⁾I know, I know, 19 days is not THAT much. But considering most people score 0 in this category, I think I am kinda qualified to share my 2 percent

• The best thing about travelling alone is being alone

Have you ever travelled somewhere with someone only to discover your wishes are completely different? Or that you’d rather not see that person every day over an extended period of time? In general, the size of the group is positively correlated with the amount of problems members are going to have between themselves. Especially in a foreign country.

The most exhilarating aspect of travelling alone is that the group consist of – yourself. You are not accountable to anyone. You don’t have to arrange things in advance. You don’t have any responsibility toward other people. You can go around and do anything you want, without worrying about whether somebody else will like it, whether he has had his lunch in time, whether he needs to go to the toilette, etc.

If you want to change your plan in the middle of the day, if you suddenly want to have a kebab or grab a beer – you are able to do so. If you want, you can visit all the museums you want, without someone complaining you can’t really take selfies at a museum or asking when are you going to do some shopping instead.

This freedom is liberating and beautiful. The ability to do what you want, whenever you want, is the best thing about travelling alone.

• We are poor at predicting what is going to make us happy

The first destination I visited in Greece was the biggest city on the island of Crete – Heraklion. Since I am a history buff, I looked forward to visiting the Palace of Knossos. I expected to learn a lot about life in Ancient Greece – after all, the place is celebrated for a reason, right?

After waiting for more than an hour in the queue, however, I had to embrace the greatest disappointment of my life. The palace is primarily an archaeological site. Most of the signs tell a lot about the reconstruction of the palace, but nothing about ancient Greece. Basically, I paid 15 euros to watch a pile of rocks.

At 12’o clock.

On 35 degrees.

Ironically, if you asked me beforehand, I would have said visiting the Palace would make me extremely happy. Much happier than everyday things like reading a book on Kindle during my flight. Or drinking coffee in a no-named street with a Vietnamese guy I just met. After all, major sights and grand events comprise the hearth of every journey, right?

My expectations were completely misguided. But it is not so surprising, though. I have already elaborated how we humans are terrible at predicting what makes us happy. How we often confuse pleasure for happiness. Since travelling is the ultimate form of pleasure, we often overestimate how content we will feel just because we have gone somewhere.

This discrepancy between expectations and reality is amplified by the social media. Not only do we rely on our own predictions about happiness, we increasingly often rely on other people as well. FOMO or Fear Of Missing Out influences us all. When someone posts a photo from/of an exotic location on Facebook, we completely disregard everything that led to that photo. We forget the photo is a highlight reel. We want to go there. NOW. We can’t delay our gratification – we want it instantly.

We rarely stop to think with our own head. Which brings me to the next point.

• We have the power to think with our own head

It definitely wasn’t the first time I thought mainstream tourist attraction is… well…shit. Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin, ⁽⁵⁾A photo of a man in the middle of the street?, Acropolis in Athens, ⁽⁶⁾20 euros to climb a hill and see 18 columns of Parthenon? more or less whole of Venice, ⁽⁷⁾Seriously, have you ever felt the smell of the sewers? just to name a few. Quite often, I found hidden gems and less touristic spots way more attractive.

For years, however, I thought there is something wrong with it. I would express my opinion and face the „What is wrong with you, how can you not like XYZ“ comments. It took me a while to realize I have the power to decide what I like and what not. That many attractions are popular just because they are popular. That many people read reviews and go with the flow instead of thinking with their own head.

When you are travelling alone, you remain alone with your impressions. There is no one to influence your point of view. You can hear your thoughts and decide for yourself. You are able to think with your own head.

In fact, the very decision to go travelling alone requires you to think with your own head. Had I listened to other people’s reactions, I would have probably never dared to leave my room. ⁽⁸⁾There is one caveat in the whole „thinking with your own head“ philosophy. It is not the same as being different for the sake of being different. Many extremists are proud to go „against the flow“, whereas they are merely repeating somebody’s thoughts. Most notable example: Flat Earth Movement

Because it seems, everybody thinks people are dangerous. Whereas in reality, they are not.

• People are inherently good

In the book Leviathan, British philosopher Thomas Hobbes wrote: Homo homini lupus. ⁽⁹⁾Actually, it would appear Plato was the first to use this expression. But Hobbes made it famous.  He assumed people are each other’s worst enemies. He assumed people are inherently evil.

Although Hobbes is not the first philosopher to take the pessimistic stance in the Good vs. Evil debate, everything I experienced while travelling alone disproves his theory. During my travels, I haven’t had a single bad experience with other people. Hosts I found through Couchsurfing are the most notable example. ⁽¹⁰⁾The whole idea of Couchsurfing is based on human kindness and generosity

But it is not just them. Hostel owners and cashiers, waiters and stewardesses, free tour guides and free tour visitors were all friendly and helpful. Not once did I feel judged or mocked in the „look at this alone loser guy“ style. I found dealing with other people easy and pleasant.

That is not to say things can’t get dangerous out there. I am not that naive or idealistic. As the recent tragic death of four foreign cyclists showed, morbid people are willing to hurt even innocent people. There ARE people who are lupuses. But I still believe THE MAJORITY is not.

To an extent, it is easy for me to talk about people being good when I haven’t experienced anything remotely scary and terrible as that. That is not to say I might not change my opinion one day.

Hopefully, I won’t.

• We are creatures of habit and routine

I recently watched a podcast with Francisco Vallejo Pons, the best Spanish chess player, World’s number 39. Among other things, he talked about the boemic lifestyle of a professional chess player. A lifestyle that involves a lot of travelling. He complained about how difficult it is to remain in shape and have a work out routine when you are constantly on the road.

His words were relatable. One of the reasons why I usually get nervous after 15 days of travelling alone; after 15 days of spending time away from home in general, is the inability to stick to my habits and my routine. I get nervous if I can’t have a table tennis practice, write, play the piano or eat food made at home in a while.  ⁽¹¹⁾What can I say – my mother is a fantastic cook! While travelling alone, I realized how important the certainty and the routine of everyday life are.

Of course, that is not to say you should never leave your neighbourhood. We all need to go on adventure sometimes. Occasional novelty is exciting. Occasional novelty is thrilling. Occasional novelty helps us grow.

But constant novelty gets gruesome and tiring. We don’t need a constant change – we need a constant.

• Being alone for short periods of time is healthy

During one of the sessions, my psychotherapist asked me if I spend some time completely on my own. Without technology, without music in the ears, without gadgets or smartphones, without other people. Completely on my own.

„What for?“ I asked, in genuine surprise. For someone like me, obsessed with work and being productive, this was a sin. A terrible waste of time. I couldn’t conceive why anyone would want to do that. I completely forgot I spent a lot of time on my own during my 2015 Belgium/Netherlands trip. And I completely forgot how healthy that is.

Many successful persons ensured they have some alone time. Immanuel Kant and Sigmund Freud, for instance, are both famous for taking extended walks in nature between their clinic work and writing endeavours. Stephen King, Marcel Proust, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are also famous for taking breaks and devoting some time to themselves. ⁽¹²⁾You may recall Archimedes had his „Heureka“ moments in a bath. If you experience something similar, running around the city completely naked is not the best idea, though It is not a coincidence that meditation – the ultimate form of being alone – is often featured on „Top 10 habits“ lists.

Spending time alone has multiple benefits. It increases your concentration and productivity. It helps you become more creative. It actually helps you to become more productive. But the most importantly – in our fast-paced world, spending time allows you to pause and evaluate who you are and where are you going. ⁽¹³⁾Read more: Psychology Today: 6 Reasons You Should Spend Some Time Alone and Psychology Today: 7 Ways Spending Time Alone Will Change Your Life

In other words, it makes you more self-aware.

• Travelling alone makes you self-aware

When you are alone, you are your only company. You get to know yourself. One of the main reasons why people avoid being alone is a fear of finding out that this company is not pleasant at all. When you are alone, you find out whether you are OK with yourself, or not.

This is not only important for obvious reasons like self-respect or confidence, but also your relationships. A healthy relationship consists of two people who are OK with themselves. When one of them isn’t, you get the „I need you to feel complete“ type of toxic relationship, prone to manipulation, drama and boundary issues. The good old „you can’t hang out with your friends without me“ type of relationship.

When you are travelling alone, you have a lot of time to breathe and think in greater depth. You become more aware. Not only of yourself, but also of the situation you left at home. You become aware of how the situation at home affects your well-being.

This is the main reason why my two solo trips were so different. When I was fooling around Belgium and the Netherlands, I was just a carefree student. I didn’t have so many obligations, I had all the time in the world to pursue my hobbies and I was constantly hanging out with other people. Sure, my heart was broken, but when you are 21 and going around Europe, you don’t really care all that much.

Or at least it is easier to pretend you don’t.

In contrast, the trip to Greece was difficult because it was highly influenced by the „adult world“. My life changed compared to my student days. Apart from the quarter-life crisis, the realization I am not fully satisfied with my job and lack of time for all my hobbies, the biggest changes happened in my social life.

I remember my therapist asking me: „Do you ever feel lonely?“ and me answering with a firm and resolute: „No, never!“. Later I realized that there is a difference between alone and lonely. That, despite being surrounded by people, I sometimes feel lonely.

A number of factors contributed to this feeling:

• Established patterns within my family where I felt unimportant
• A full-time job which leaves you with less time for friends
• Like 18-year-old Vjeko, I have a tendency to make myself unavailable.  It let some valuable relationships out of my hands.
• I also have a tendency to take important relationships for granted and to devote myself to other, less important ones. Which are often shallow. And shallow friendships add to the feeling of loneliness.
• I also maintained a number of unhealthy friendships. The main effect of therapy was establishing boundaries and moving out of harm’s way. It reduced my social circle, though – these persons weren’t immediately supplemented.
• Constant longing for a girlfriend which arises when you are single for a long time.

Don’t get me wrong – things I wrote above sound worse than they are. Some of them are healthy (getting rid of toxic friendships), some of them can be resolved (Vjeko’s unavailability) and some of them have to be accepted as such (family patterns). The feeling of loneliness appears here and there – it is not a constant state of mind. And it is normal – I believe everyone feels like that once in a while.

While I was in Greece, this feeling resurfaced once again. While Croatia was united and celebrating the success of football national team, I was stuck at the Athens airport. While I was watching other people going to the seaside with their friends and/or girlfriends, I was afraid to take a nap because there was no one else to guard my stuff.

This awareness led to a small crisis. Everything written above was comprised in a single question I asked myself on the very first day of my trip:  „Why on Earth am I travelling alone again?“

• The worst thing about travelling alone is being lonely

Being alone for longer periods of time is not quite healthy. We, humans, are social animals – we are not wired to spend a lot of time in isolation. Anyone who tells you he doesn’t need other people is either lying to you… or to himself. One of the most popular Ted Talks of all time claims the meaning of life is relationships. The other says the meaning of life is a sense of belonging. ⁽¹⁴⁾Both talks were given by psychologists, who based them on real-life studies. So it is not just some self-help guru babbling.

Apart from my own issues, the very nature of travelling alone inevitably led to the feeling of loneliness. You have just visited an amazing sight, but you have no one to share your impressions with? ⁽¹⁵⁾Don’t forget – not mainstream touristic one!! You want to have lunch, but you have no one to split the menu for two with? You need to take a crap, but no one can guard your stuff?  And I haven’t even mentioned all the banter and jokes, small talk and deep talk and bonding that happens when a group of people is relaxed and away from their problems.

As good as being alone is, after a while, you have enough of it. You want to have someone beside you. If no one familiar has arrived with you, there is only one way of finding company – meeting new people.

Fortunately, meeting new people is quite easy.

• Meeting new people is easy

I often say I am a natural introvert who has learned how to be an extrovert. Although many people find it hard to believe, anyone who knew me in high school should be able to remember that shy and socially awkward kid who had serious trouble having a proper conversation. The first couple of years in college weren’t really different.

Student trips to Albania in 2013 and Russia 2014 were the first step toward change. But the real catalyst was  Belgium/Netherlands visit in 2015. For the first time, I realized meeting new people is not at all that scary, but rather interesting and.. fun?

 That’s the main beauty of travelling alone. It puts you out of comfort zone and forces you to be social. You don’t have the safety of your friend or group – if you wish to have a conversation, you need to have it with someone new, in another language.

Never before have I met so many people in such a short span of time, as during my two solo trips. It surprised me how easy it is – how willing other people are to make friends. The most obvious ‘targets’ were other solo travellers and Couchsurfing hosts, but I met different groups of people in hostels, during Free Tours, in pub crawls, etc.

There is one caveat, though – after a while, meeting new people becomes exhausting. As I have previously described, the constant feeling of novelty is draining. After 12 days in Greece, I was tired of telling my life story over and over again, listening to small talk or serious talk, other people’s families and dreams. These friendships were short-term and shallow – I was perfectly aware I wouldn’t see most of these people ever again.

After a while, I realized the meaning of life is not any sort of relationships. But deep, meaningful ones. Which brings me to the final point of this article.

• The meaning of life is depth

The first day in Greece, I met Mike. Mike is a gay from America who spent the last 2.5 travelling alone around the world. He spent 8 months as a Scuba Diving Instructor. He travelled to Greece without a plan.

“I just go and see where it takes me”, he said.

Mike has a unique, carefree, „go with the flow“ attitude which makes him incredibly interesting and engaging person. When you first hear his story, you get jealous – it sounds like he is driving a dream life and has nothing to complain about.

However, when you scratch the surface, a number of problems connected to the ‘constant travelling alone’ becomes apparent. Mike was a bit concerned because his lifestyle makes it incredibly difficult to form any sort of meaningful and deep relationship. ⁽¹⁶⁾Another issue no travel blogger will talk about

Travelling alone taught me to value depth. Lack of depth was what made me lonely. That’s the problems with shallow relationships – it is hard to show your true self. We, humans, have the need to feel understood. But can you feel understood if you can’t express who you are without fear of being judged?

Think of the most memorable conversations of your life. Were you talking with your neighbour about the weather in the elevator? Or were you talking about your greatest fears, your hopes and dreams, about love and about the meaning of life with your half-drunk friend at 2 AM while you were waiting in the queue for the best kebab in the city?

But it is not just about relationships.

I firmly believe that, in order to find meaning in life, we have to find depth. This is the central theme of two fantastic books: The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing To Our Brains by Nicholas Carr and Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport. Whether we are talking about relationships, your day-time job, your creative endeavours or something mundane as reading a book, depth is what makes it worthwhile. In the words of Cal Newport:

„Human beings, it seems, are at their best when immersed deeply in something challenging.“